When Morella goes to bed -- I get anxious. Really worried and overcome with how things are going to work. Can I do this without Tim's awesome help? Is this the manifest of baby blues this time - a knock out of my confidence? I feel like I need to make up some kind of mantra to get me through these long night hours. Things like:

1. Other people are doing it, so can you! (Admittedly, this one isn't very encouraging).

2. Athena is only a baby, she won't remember if you don't fawn over her every second of the day -- whereas Morella doesn't know what the eff is going on and needs you. Thankfully, Karen from the Playgroup keeps reminding me that. To spend the waking time with Morella, to put the baby down because she will get her closeness when she feeds, at diaper changes (which she hates) and after Morella is in bed.

3. It won't be like this forever. Each day Morella is one day older and will understand just a little more. Athena is one day older and a little more mature and better at eating, chilling and living. [The drawback to that of course is "Oh no! My babies are growing up too fast and I am wishing for that!"]

4. Breastfeeding is only hard right now. In another week or two (is that true?) your nipples will toughen up, you will get better at getting Athena to latch, she will learn to latch better, and her mouth will be bigger and able to hand the dreaded left breast. Besides, you have Good Ole Righty to fall back on to help you through it.

5. To take advice from Sarah's Mom "Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you," in regards to -- yes Athena will get sick, yes they both get sick at the same time, yes you got a whole nother round of teething to go through just as one is starting to show signs of finishing up (though not this week). Don't worry about it until it comes -- this is a debt that does not need to be prepaid.

6. You have handled bigger adversity. You can do this. Don't let fear get the best of you. [To which I respond ... "Have I? I have never before been the caretaker of two little girls before who depend on me and Tim for everything. I don't think there is bigger adversity."]

7. One day at a time.

In the end, it's the one day at a time that gets me through it.

Other things:

I had a terrible shoulder muscle spasm today. It was so painful that every breath radiated daggers up my neck, down my arm, and in my shoulder. I felt it coming on and told Tim to take Athena while I tried to figure out away around it. I eventually got most of the pain to subside by focused relaxation and a vicodine (which by the way isn't something I won't be taking without extra help around because ... whoa....). Gah, what if that had happened while I was alone? Okay. Okay. Athena would have gone to the swing, I would have gone to the floor and Morella would have just been like "What the...?"

I also feel like I have a raging urinary tract infection. I always feel anxious when I have one of those, the constant pain is just ever present. On the other hand, is it a UTI? Or is it a side effect of labor? Is it from the catheter that was administered right before Athena was born to make extra room? Do I bother calling the doctor to have it checked out? Meanwhile, I am getting through it and drinking as much cranberry juice as possible and hoping it doesn't make me diabetic. (In regards to a study that linked juice drinking to diabetes). Maybe I should just email the doctor and see what she thinks...

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Morella wakes up every morning asking for Dada (me) and Bebe (Athena). She gets her feelings hurt very easily whenever she is criticized, which is going to happen alot when she is around Athena because she's just a little too rough sometimes. I mean, come on -- she's only one and half! Watching her go through this new development pokes at my heart and makes me question why we decided to have another child and how could I mess up such a beautiful schedule we had going. [I know, I know, another beautiful schedule will take it's place ... but since we aren't there yet I can't help but to ... well you know.]

Athena is now squaking at me from her cosleeper. I think she pooped and needs a change and probably wants to eat again since almost an hour has passed. She seems to really cluster feed at one time during the day. I hope this cluster feeding means she'll sleep through the night relatively well again like last night. Only getting up twice to eat and going back to sleep. Her right eye is also a little gunky. Time to break out the vasoline and eye massages.

One last thing before I go, I do get all comments -- they are all emailed to me and read and cherished. The thing with blogger though is that in order for me to respond I would have to add my own comment and you would have to remember to go back and look to see if there WAS a comment. Therefore I don't always comment and will often just reply in the blog.

And Sarah - I don't know about the breastfeeding -- how many times a day. I was wondering that today myself. I'll keep track tomorrow. It's definitely more than 10-12 though.