This morning I am going to have lunch with Hilary, Leta and Mina at Original Pancake House. Yummy! I can't wait. What do I want to eat? Hmm. The problem is, when I prethink about what I want to eat, it always happens that when I finally get there, I realize "hey I don't want that after all....I'm gonna eat ____" Then when I eat _____ I realize "Damn, I should have gotten what I came for."

I am sure that happens to all of us though. Right?

I made the mistake of calling my Mom to see if Josh passed his physical. Apparently, he's borderline and next week - the 8th I believe. He is going to get one one more test -- a breathing test before they do this operation to take out all of his wisdom teeth and the entire upper row of teeth. They are all rotten and causing him extreme pain. If has one "one little wheeze" the operation is off. The doctor is gone for 4 months and there goes his chance to have this done and paid for -- which is VERY hard because he's on medicaid and no one takes medicaid. It took my Mom over a year to get him to this point...so what is he doing the week before this very important breathing test?

He's still smoking like a fucking chimney and surrounding himself by cats. He's very allergic to cats so they are constantly aggravating him but he won't give up his favorite cat. Oh no. The smoking? Well Mom had a bad flare up of emphysema three days ago and had to go to the hospital to get treated. Since then she has quite smoking. Of course instead of supporting my Mom in her lastest attempt to quit -- he's still smoking. I bet he's also teasing her (I've seen him do this) with things like "Wouldn't it be nice to have a smoke mom?" as he smokes in front of her. Can I even describe to you how much disgust I have at his total lack of ... fill in the effin' blank. Everything!

I got so mad I gave up on them. The whole conversation was how bad my Mom's breathing was, how sick she still is from the flu she got last month, how rotten Josh is doing, etc etc. I finally just started saying "That's great!"

At one point she said "The doctor said that was the highest level of CO that he's ever seen." (in regards to her emphysema)

"Congratulations!" I said cheerfully.

"Yeah..." she started and stopped, confused "Wait, carbon dioxide? That isn't good."

"But you got the highest level ever! Congratulations!" I repeated enthusiastically. "I have to go walk the dog now, talk to you later."

I guess what gets me the most is that Josh is such a .... blah! I mean I asked her "What has he done for himself in the last five years. Name one thing."

"Uh," she struggled for a several, long seconds, "He saved up money to buy himself stuff."

Stuff? I'll tell you dear readers, that stuff is a playstation 3 and video games to go with it. The last time he got new clothes was when I gave them to him at Christmas. I can't tell you the time before that.

"Stuff doesn't count," I said.
"Uh, he's trying to take care of teeth problem," she replied.

"No he isn't," I said. "You did it all and he's been fighting you every step of the way. Including right now when he's still smoking. He doesn't care. He's a fucking retard."

"What?!" She said upset. "He's not a retard. You don't really think that do you?"

"Well if he isn't a retard then he's definitely mentally crazy and fit only for life in an institution. What is he gonna do is something ever happens to you? He can't take a shower for three fucking months....that should give you a clue. Homeless crazy people take better care of themselves!" (Do I even need to mention he doesn't cook or make his own meals, pay bills, do anything????)

She got really mad at that and told me that he's smart, he just "doesn't care to do anything" and that "he's lazy." (She said like it's a long time joke.)

"Well okay," I replied with a forced laugh "I guess that it. He's just lazy and doesn't care too. I guess that makes everything OK!"

I think it was then that I started my conversion to being happy about every rotten thing they bring upon themselves because "that is just the way it is."

So there you have it. That is just the way it is. I guess that is a good enough reason to do anything, or in the case of my family NOT do anything.

-----

Two more things, she was spending over $200 a month on smoking. Secondly, I had no idea she had emphysema -- apparently she was diagnosed with it in 2002! Holy cow!

--emphysema
--depression
--diabetes
--high blood pressure
--high cholesterol
--constant pain
--two strokes on record
--two heart attacks on record

Sigh.

Is this what it looks like when you give up on life? When you aren't the reason for your failures because 'that is just the way it is?'

I need to stop now before I depress myself.