I am feeling so depressed. There is just this heaviness that I can't seem to shake for the moment. I know, I just found out this news and need to process it and eventually I will feel better, but for right now I just feel .... sad.
We had Morella's suck/swallow test today. She can suck and swallow ... just fine, it's just that she's silently aspirating. I guess it's a good thing that she stopped breastfeeding when she did. Did you know that breastmilk is thinner than water? I didn't know that. She was first tested with the breastmilk/rice with a little barium and after a little bit she was aspirating. Then they switched to a nectar/syrup consistency with just barium and she still aspirated. Then they switched to a honey texture and she did much better, only almost aspirating once -- as in it thought about going in the wrong direction but didn't.
What does this mean? I guess it means we have been extremely lucky she hasn't developed pneumonia at this point. However it also means that she needs to have all of her milk thickened significantly by some thickener (Thicken Up) that we can get at Walgreens. The bad news is that it doesn't bond well with breastmilk. I tried when we got home. I made a bottle of formula with the thickener and a bottle of breastmilk with the thicker. The formula thickened to the right consistency but the breastmilk never did.
I fed her the formula bottle and she drank it right down with no problems. She drank the whole thing with no choking, stopping or anything. And afterward she was a happy mellow baby. [Though she just woke up right now].
Then next step is for her to see a Ear, Nose and Throat specialist to see if there are any physical reasons to this. I have an appointment with the pediatrician on Friday though I decided to call today anyway to see if I could get an appointment a bit faster with an ENT instead of waiting until Friday. But since it isn't the system yet, I might very well have to wait.
In the meantime...what do I do with the breastmilk? I mean, do I keep pumping but ease up in case there is something that CAN be done about this? Do I quit and just accept that it isn't going to happen? Is it possible to give her a little breastmilk with the formula? Is it worth it in the long run? Will it thicken to the right consistency? I am not sure -- I haven't tested that theory. But only a tablespoon of breastmilk ... will that be worth pumping? Is it hard to just ... dry up?
Do I accept that without breastmilk she is going to get more colds and sniffles -- but that is still a hundred times better than getting pneumonia? I mean, THANK GOD she hasn't gotten sick so far. We are so lucky in that regard.
Who know that breastfeeding was the worst thing that I could be doing for this baby? She was getting the thinnest stuff possible stuff forced down her throat once the letdown started. So not only was she dealing with reflux because of this, but she was also aspirating. Double whammy. My poor baby -- her first month was probably hell.
---couple hours later ----
Anyway, now that I have calmed down a bit. I decided to just freeze the milk I do have, keep pumping -- but drop it down to 6 times a day and just keep it up until we get and have the appointment with the ENT. Though I will bring this up with the pediatrician on Friday and see what she says. I went ahead and made two bottles -- well made, as in measured out the formula and thickener into bottles so that I just have to add four onces of water later. I also made four nipples to go with them. Since the milk has to be honey consistency, I had to crosshatch cut the nipples so that she could actually suck the sludge out. I am SO glad that I got a bunch of those nipples from the hospital. I am also glad for these samples of formula. BIL Phil said he has some he could give me too -- at first I said no...but now I think I will revise that.
My poor baby. Every week has been a different feeding tactic for her. Tim said that the feeding has always been the same, that we are just learning more and getting better. Maybe he is right, but honestly it's just tiresome to have to have to constantly change it.
At least I was able to cancel the lactation appointment today with a clear conscious and actually felt a little good about not having to reschedule.
Well, I am going to do dishes and clean up the kitchen until Morella wakes up for her afternoon nap. Cleaning makes my mind easier.
As one friend said, maybe now that we are making eating easier for her, we will be able to see more of her personality now that she isn't consumed with pain and discomfort.
posted by hadjare @ 4:18 PM
3 Comments:
Keep your chin up and keep pumping if that makes you feel better. Just stockpile in the freezer. There may be a point down the road when Morella doesn't need quite as much thickening (my nephew had this and did not require the thickening agent his entire infancy)
What formula are you using? I don't have any samples, but I often run across moms who do. Same with coupons.
Agreed. If you want to pump, things may work out still. It certainly isn't hurting anything. I would try putting a bit in the thickened formula too just to see how it goes. Maybe half and half will thicken, or 3/4 formula 1/4 milk...experimentation is the root of parenthood.
Question though: Why can't you thicken with rice cereal? That would absolutely thicken the breast milk and being a month old, she is definitely able to process it. I riced up the bottles after a couple of weeks with all the kids. As long as you make sure it's smooth I personally don't see a problem and you would be able to continue pumping and using your milk. I'm sure your doctor gave you reasons, I'm just curious here.
It's not hard to dry up. usually the doctor will give you a pill to take to keep you from getting mastitis, but I would hold off. I am really thinking this is something she can grow out of. Another month or so and she might be fine or if there is something physically incorrect with her esophagus like a hiatal hernia or deviated something, they can fix it. BF is important to you and you should give yourself and Morella every chance to continue despite the bumps in this particular road.
Lastly, it has only been a month. Remember how short a month was before the baby? It's the same now and you need to look at what is going on 1 day at a time. I think your feeling like all is lost right now because your seeing the problem as everlasting. Instead of doing that, focus on where you want to be 30 days from now. Your going to learn a lot about how to deal with this, probably know exactly what the problem is and possibly have a definite plan of action. She's good now. Already you learned what is going on when the milk goes down. You had no way of knowing before this point, she does not have respiratory problems and you have it figured out how to feed her now. Next week you will know something else, the week after you will know something else and so on. What I'm saying is, don't despair now and give up because 30 days from now she might be drinking breast milk again like a pro. As for a hard first month, it's not your fault, even the doctors had no idea. Babies are so resilient and tough. I don't think anyone really knows how tough they are, but I can assure you she is happy shes yours and in her own baby way can't wait to continue her adventure with such a caring and devoted mama.
wow, I was shocked to read this! For one thing, I've never even heard of this aspiration business, which is like, whoa! Because I'm a doctor! I had a couple of feelings about it. One is that I wondered if it was kind of a relief, but then another can of anxiety because now you don't know what is causing the aspiration and you have aaaallllll this time to wonder about it. DON'T look on the internet. I'm sure you already have and are in the fetal position hyperventilating. I hope you're okay, and that everyone is okay, and that Morella grows out of this and that it's no big deal. Maybe you could donate your milk! Or save it because maybe she'll be able to drink it later? I have no idea.
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