I am tired. I am tired of my worries. I am sick to death of this anxiety. Just when I think I can get used to something and calm down, something else comes along. Right now it's worrying about poop, food allergies and what if's. I know, I know, stop paying a debt to something that isn't there...but still.

I guess I can focus on the poop thing. Her poops are thick and sticky. It looks like they are held together by gum -- which is true. The poop is soft, but you can sort of pull it apart -- it looks like tacky paper mache... It's good that it's poop and that it is still soft, but is this a bad thing for her? Was it because I used straight up xanthan gum when I had to bridge the gap between the samples and the stuff I ordered? But then xanthan gum is the main ingrediant in Simply Thick..so would this have happened anyway? Should I care? I mean she is still pooping -- that is what matters most, right?

Right now she is sleeping in the cradle swing that my friend Hilary is letting me borrow. Thank god for this -- I have been able to put her in the swing when I need to pump and when she isn't feeling well after eating and her reflux is bothering her. I hate to listen to her breath though -- it's congested. I don't think she is aspirating on the milk anymore -- but she might be on the reflux. Her breathing gets rotten after she has a mini attack and sort of stays that way forever. I wish she would cough more.

I wish she could drink normally and have normal wet, messy, explody poops...though when she was on straight breastmilk with a little rice cereal she only pooped every two to three days...so maybe ....

I wish her reflux will get better at the 3-4 month mark.
I wish that her refluxing getting better will make it so that she won't aspirate.

I have now gotten reports that it can take anywhere from 7 days to 4-6 weeks for the prevacid to really work and make a difference. Uh at that point she would be 3-4 months...is that coincidental or are they serious?

Will I have to buy more Simply Thick -- I figured out that my 100 packs is actually more like a 20 day supply. That isn't long. Will her poops look different from just using this? Is using the xanthan gum homemade stuff out of the question? How long should I wait until I request another barium swallow study? The doctor has said three months, but then she also stressed that if I wanted to do it sooner than that, I could. I asked if they meant like 6 weeks....
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but six weeks seems like an eternity to me right now. I wish I knew if she was okay, even though she wheezes constantly, refluxes wet urps, and has the weirdest stickiest baby poop around.

Why is the internet only full of the toughest cases? I want to someone who has used Simply Thick with breastmilk to tell me what their babies poop looked like. It's been done before, why hasn't someone blogged or written about it?? I want to see more examples of babies growing out of this.

I just really want me little girl to stop struggling so much to eat and breath.

So this is what is in my head. It's not a nice place to be right now. Quite frankly I am surprised that I am not experiencing PPD considering the trials and tribulations we have had so far.