Things I have accomplished today:

--Taking a shower. This is huge, folks. Huge.
--Getting Morella dressed.
--Getting Athena dressed.
--Going to the park and playing with Morella
--Picking apples from "Apple Guy" yard/tree. Morella LOVES this.
--Buying apples from another house a block up...two big bags for a buck.
--I wish I had an apple tree of my own. :(
--Giving Morella lunch while Athena howls.
--Getting Athena to take a nap the same time as Morella
--Enjoying duo naps and catching up on the internet! Oh man it's nice.
--Paid the mortgage.
--Paid the cell phones.
--Wrote a few cards and birth announcements.
--Washed and dried a load of laundry.
--Going the the massive clothes disarray in Morella room. Switching seasons is hard when kids outgrew things so fast and you have to sort through the smaller to bigger stuff she is going to grow into over the fall and winter.
--Made tuna fish sandwiches for myself.
--Made the bed.
--Read my email.
--Hammered out Playgroup events for October.

The day is not done...

Athena has been crying most of this evening as she did last night -- I think it's because I had ice cream. Sigh. I hope that she is feeling better soon and it's gone by tomorrow night. She is arching her back, urpy -- all the reflux signs. Poor kid. Poor me. Poor my back.

Very blustery today. Regardless I took Morella and Athena to the park where she and Noah were the only two left (not hard when only four kids showed up ... and lots of others skipped the park altogether). She loved the wind howling through her air as she swung on the swings. Maybe she is Tim's kid after all -- has a bit of the ice running through her veins. But you know, I used to love winter too. I think when I broke my back the ice that I had trickled out.

Athena is crying again. I had only five minutes respite there. :(

SO it doesn't look like I am going to be visiting my Mom this weekend. Rachel was right -- they don't want little children in the Intensive Care Unit. They don't have a specific rule but if we had brought them in it would have had to been for a super short visit 5-10 minutes and we would have had to hold them the entire time and not touch anything. If she was in her own room it would be a slightly different story -- but so far she is not. This morning she was having a invasive test performed to see if she has any gallstones that is causing her liver and kidneys to fail (even though she doesn't have a gallbladder anymore). Our revised plan had been to call this afternoon at 3:00 to see if she would be moved to a room tomorrow (Sunday). Then we were going to still break up the drive and go this late afternoon.

That's all fubared because Morella was up until 9:30 last night and then woke up crying this morning at 6:00 complete with a faucet nose. I tried putting her down at 10 but she howled and then I fed her lunch and put her down about 20 minutes ago and as we speak she is saying "Down! Down!" in her room. She almost feel asleep at the table over lunch! What the heck is going on?

So since she is sick she has a lowered immunity system and ... well travelling with a sick toddler is one of my worst nightmares. It just sucks that Athena is going to get it. She had just gotten over that two week stuffy nose.

GO TO SLEEP MORELLA! You are sick! You need to sleep!

Her being sick scrapped the Greyhound Gala plans this morning too. She was going to go with Tim and I was going to get to spend the morning with Athena. Seeing as Athena has slept almost the entire morning and was good when she was awake it would have been like a freaking vacation. But no. The best laid plans...or even plans kind of made at the last minute ....

It's the first time we are missing the gala since we moved to Madison six years ago. Bummer. :( It would have been nice if we all could have gone but our car won't hold all of us and the dog.

For lunch I made Morella a cheese pizza on a pan to make the crust softer. I ended up eating 3/4 of the darn thing. It wasn't filling at all (I also didn't have breakfast and was famished). I quit at that point and ate some leftover meatloaf which DID fill me up. Maybe because it was just cheese with no good toppings that made it so insubstantial.

Yesterday was a good day despite it being grey and gloomy. I wasn't quick enough to get out the door for a music lesson, in part because Athena was on day two of eat eat eat eat eat ... oh and more eating. So I decided to walk the kids to the library and spend some time there. Morella is in a looking at books phase again, so I thought it would be nice. Plus we ran out of caffeinated coffee and I wanted to get some at Java cat, which is a block away from the library. We got some books, ate some lunch, picked some apples off this guys lawn (I asked him about it last year -- he said he doesn't use pesticides and to help ourselves). One of the apples ended up with Morella who nom nomed it all the way home. It had just rained all morning so I am sure the apple was fine. There was a "band" (two people with ... uh... musical talent...) playing music at the coffee house which Morella enjoyed, so I gave her a buck to put in the tip jar. As she was doing that they thanked her and said they also do parties. Ha ha ha. Um...no.

I brought my camera...so here are some photos from the day.



I had her wear the blue fancy "princess" dress her step grandmother had made her for Xmas. It's the kind of thing that I figured didn't really need a great excuse for her to wear other than a trip to the library. She made several other little girls jealous and they wanted to be a princess too. Ha ha. She destroyed it with apple juice from the apple by the time we got home. I'm sure it will wash out...right?



I set an automatic timer and took this photo of us. Morella is making her scrunched up face when she thinks something is really funny or clever.

By the way she is still crying. She has five more minutes to go until I get her out. I have no idea what to do with her after that.



A comment from Kathleen reminded me that I didn't need to go Happy Bambino to spend 75-85 dollars on sling when I could just modify the moby to do the same thing. So I set it up and voila! Worked like a charm. It was great! I love how versatile the moby can be.



I has saved the pregnancy test that tested positive for Athena -- in part as a reminder over the pregnancy that I was really pregnant (despite the big belly), and also to remember that day and how shocked I was ... anyway. I thought it was time to get rid of the stick and remembered the advice of "take a picture of it" if you are keeping it for the memory. Athena was there and so I took a picture of the stick and her as sort of a "full circle" photo. That stick meant this little girl was on her way. :D So no, I am not pregnant again. You can breath now.



One last look at my adorable, cute and cuddly vaguely ethnic baby.

Now I have to go and rescue Morella...I can't take her for a walk because as soon as I do Athena is going to want to be fed. Sigh.

Athena has been nursing non stop all evening. It's incredible. I actually feel sore and don't think it's thrush. I fully expect her to double in size overnight. ;) It also explains why I am so hungry.

A few things while she lets me -- I tried to just put her down because she had fallen asleep but I think she might fuss in a minute. I can just type so much faster with two hands than one.

Morella loves baths now and didn't want to get out of hers tonight. I actually had to do the age old "pull the plug" trick and let the water drain out. Once she realized the water was gone she started scrubbing herself with the wash clothes. Sheesh. I pulled her out and let her do some naked time before getting her into pajamas. Then we commenced the rest of our Thursday ritual of single parenting in which I let her stay up until 8 because we watch Bones and snuggle. She is SO good during this time. I think she knows she gets to stay up late and is mellow and good natured and it's almost a shame when I do put her down to bed.

One of Morella's cute things is hiding something behind her back and then asking me "Where'd it go?" and then showing it to me a few seconds later. "There it is!" Ha ha. Oh man. I think she really thinks she has one on me by making it disappear.

Athena has been giving out more smiles and is starting to be awake longer in stretches during the day. She went to bed last night at 9 --- it doesn't look like that is happening tonight though. :( Oh. Tonight while I was letting Pluto out and carrying her against my chest, her head slipped a bit and she started to latch onto my neck. It was funny because Tim likes to call her a milk vampire and here she was, acting like a real vampire and trying to suck my neck! No but really, tonight this milk bandit is in full form. Oh and look that. She is falling asleep. That's nice. I have to change her diaper.

Cloth diapering her is awesome. She was blowing through every single disposable whenever she pooped -- all the way up her back, or her front. It was disgusting. But the cloth diapers contain it...every drop. It's amazing. I think it's because they absorb the liquid faster than the paper ones. Whatever it is, it's amazing. I still use a disposable at night for her because she rarely poops just pees alot and they seem to hold more pee comfortably than cloth.

Cloth diapering Morella has become a challenge. She has a rash on her inner thigh that has been plaguing her all summer because of chaffing from the diapers because they sag once they become wet. No matter how vigilant I am her diapers become so soaked with pee that I would have to know the instant it happened to avoid any saggy diaper syndrome and that just isn't going to happen. I have tried. I tried a contoured diaper called Tiny Tush but even with doublers she is leaking out of them pretty bad (enough to have to change pants). I got six of them so I am sort of disappointed about this turn of events. Maybe she just needs two microfiber inserts...I am not ready to give up yet. It's just that they aren't at match for her deluge of pee. I also splurged and got one of those fancy all in ones - twiddlewinks I think. It's awesome. Oh so very awesome. I love it and can totally see how people would spend oodles of money on diapers. Sigh. I just have to hang in there. Soon it will be pants and onesie under all clothes weather which should help until she can be potty trained.

My Mom was transferred to Sacred Heart in Eau Claire. We are going to go and visit her this weekend, spending the night in Eau Claire. They are still running tests, but there is something very wrong with her liver and her heart. Both liver and heart specialists have been called into to give their professional opinion which we will hopefully hear tomorrow. I am not sure if young children are allowed in the intensive care unit so I am sort of hoping she'll get transferred to a room. She said that she has been feeling much better because of the breathing treatments she has been getting. Now I need to find someone to watch Pluto and book a hotel that has cribs in Eau Claire. I guess I could be doing that right now.

[just looked ... gonna need more time on that .... maybe Tim should just do it]

So I had a granola bar like a 1/2 an hour ago and I am still hungry. Sigh. I have refrained from a lot of obvious dairy and Athena is back to her old self. I had heavy cream the other day in my soup and she spit up and screamed the next day .... I think that there is a connection though her intolerance is obviously not as bad as Morella's was/is. I wonder if we should do another milk trail with her. It would sure as heck be a lot cheaper and easier than having to buy 8th Continent Vanilla Soy, especially since she is drinking so much of the stuff lately. She's obviously going through something because her mouth and head seem to be hurting. I wonder if she had headaches. I wonder if they are two year molars.

Gah, wearing silk pajamas with a laptop on you is one recipe for being over heated. Well the laptop is going to die in a few minutes (battery) so I should sign off. Here are some more photos:

Noah - one of Morella's BFF's.

I found her in the kitchen like this back when Tim was on paternity leave. Little stinker.

Burping the baby.

My brother called me this morning to say that Mom was taken to the hospital last night because of vomiting and severe chest pain. He also mentioned something about kidneys and liver failing as well and gave me the phone number to call her. I did, she was very out of breath and said the pain in her chest is still there and the doctor told her to see a specialist. She wasn't really able to say much more and the nurses came in for more medication. Sigh.

I don't now. Shane said things aren't looking too good for her and I hate it when he says that. You know? So know I am thinking of how I am going to take two kids up to see her. I can't not leave them in what might be their last chance to see her on the other hand I don't need them to be there the whole time. And I'll need help. I think I could call upon some old friends that are there to see if the would have time to help. I just don't know. I am probably jumping the gun. But you know she was in the hospital just last week for five days for low potassium and I have just seen too many cases where when things start to fail so close to each other then it all goes downhill quickly.

Oh I just don't know. It's a wait and see right now.

Meanwhile I have a doctors appointment this morning for my post partum check. I was going to take both with me but now decided that isn't a good idea. So I am going to drop Morella off at Ann's in a little bit and just take Athena. 11:30 is a crappy time for an appointment. Sigh.

Also, Tim misplaced all my nursing bra's the last time he did the laundry. I have no idea where they are.

Photos -- it's been awhile, so I thought I would work through the August and September pictures I have built up.

Me and Morella

Athena - 3 weeks

Before the carousel ride -- she was VERY concerned that she wouldn't get to have a ride on it.

On the ride. Thankfully, she is happy with one ride, and she rides it with the utmost seriousness.

Two or three weeks...

"No, no, no, no, no ..... " Morella scolds Leo for touching her dollhouse.

Can you guess what this photo is all about?

Ha ha ha ha... oh it cracks me up.

Taken an hour or two ago.

Quick! Post while Morella is distracted by Seasame Street, and Athena snoozes off her long night. Thoughts on my mind right now:

--I wish I could drink more coffee in the morning -- was that thai iced tea that kept Athena up so late last night?

--Is the thrush acting up again? I felt a few stabs in my left breast yesterday and the nipples on both feel a bit dryed out and tender. Is that because of thrush or because Athena has been eating a lot? Also, that white coating in the back of her tongue is that thrush or just milk tongue? I doesn't look like the thick white coating she had when she really did have thrush, but maybe it's just the beginning? But it hasn't changed in the last three days so I should quite worrying about it already.

--I have the six week follow up doctor appointment on Wedneday at 11:30. I have NO idea how I can keep that appointment with two young kids, at lunch time. I should really cancel and reschedule but I that would require work.

--I want my stamps to come in so I can send out more mail.

--I have to play the gas and electric bill today.

--Playgroup is this morning at 9:30 and then Toddler Time at the library starts up again at 10:30 today. Should I try and make both? I just don't know. It's all grey and gloomy out. I am tried. My hair is all greasy so soon after that Saturday shower -- I don't know what to wear because all of my clothes are in storage and the leftover maternity stuff looks like stretched out old clothes on me.

--Put baby powder in my hair to hide the state it's in.

--Get the kids dressed and ready for leaving the house. (Hm, I guess I decided to go ahead and do that).

--Stephanie brought over browies last night and chili. She included a small baggie of pasta O's. I asked Tim was that was for and he said "Some people are still under the impression that chili must include pasta." To which I replied "Chili with pasta is called goulash!" (And age old pet peeve of mine).

--Anyway, those brownies were so good and I had to eat a big one. I tried to keep it real with a small piece, but it just kept on in my head. I even ate a stupid apple, drank a cup of tea, drank water, delayed etc...and finally just had to give in. It was really good and craving was satisfied afterward.

--Really, I want more coffee than these two cups that equal one cup. I can't help but to think about women in the old days. They didn't drink coffee and would have been up a lot sooner than I was this morning working. Their kids would have a wooden spoon to play with, a handful of rocks and ... I don't know what else. They wouldn't get specialized attention. They would just follow their Mom around as she did all kinds of manual, mind numbingly borning labor such as washing clothes and diapers, making bread,

n Ugh morella is here.

Morella and her BFF Leta watching her second movie ever...she lasted about 15-20 minutes before losing interest...but they were a jam packed, nail biting 20 minutes.

What a full day. But to go backwards, I just took a shower and feel pretty awesome. It's funny how I didn't need to shower that much when I was pregnant. I could get away with one a week -- sadly those days are over. Now I am back to the every 2-3 days because everything goes south so much quicker. I wonder why that is?

This morning we went to a music lesson at the Children's Museum. We went last week and Morella clung to my skirt the entire time, shaking her head no and staring at everyone suspiciously. We know she loves music. She just needed more time to get used to it. So I went again even though I knew we were going to be late. As it turned out we were only 10 minutes late to the 30 minute class (cost is a $1), so it wasn't too bad. Morella warmed up much faster this time. Maybe it was because she saw some familiar faces, or maybe it was because she remembered from last week. I hope next week she is even more at ease.

After class we played a bit in the museum, I fed Athena and then stopped at Ian's Pizza for slice on the way home. I so wished I could have gotten a coffee but that's impossible when carrying Athena in the Bjorn and pushing Morella in the umbrella stroller. Sigh. Thankfully, I had coffee left over from this morning that I warmed up when I got back. I had forgotten my phone in the rush to get out this morning, so I had to unload everyone at Tim's work so we could drop off his wallet in a baggie. It was in a baggie because Morella had bombed it and I didn't know how everything went. I threw in a $20 for his trouble.

Got home and put Morella down for a nap after she unwound a bit. Fed Athena again and put her down for a nap, and finally had time for myself. I shopped. It was awesome. First I got stamps, and then I got more disposable diaper liners, and even splurged on Tiny Tush contoured diapers for Morella. They say they are more trim and I am looking for ways to help alleviate her chaffing leg problem. I even got myself an all-in-one. I figure it's not too bad for getting these purchases because Athena can wear them. Speaking of which, cloth is SO much better for her. When she wears disposables and poops it usually ends up as a blowout. I think it's because it's just too liquidy for the diaper to soak up that fast. The cloth sucks it up and I never have a problem cleaning her up.

After nap time was over (too short!) I tried to do some stuff in the office while Morella watched Yo Gabba Gabba shorts on their websites before I had enough and took the kids outside and played for a couple hours. (Really she was getting whiny). Then it was time for a walk (Morella wanted to go). I have been taking out the double stroller from the garage to put Athena for afternoon siesta's. So it's already out when Morella finally gets the idea that we should go for a walk. I also think she does that because she starts to get tired and wants to ride.

We went over to Emily and Leo's to see if they wanted to walk and Morella ended up staying for Toddler Supper. I changed a diaper or two and we continued on our walk after about an hour. I stopped at the blue park on the way home and soon thereafter, two other boy toddlers showed up around her age. The awesome thing about that is that they are runners. So for the next hour, these kids pretty much just ran around in circles screaming at each other. It was great!

When we got home Tim whisked Morella off to Target to buy a new video game that we can play together and get some dinner (Flatbread melts) which is in the oven as we speak...er type.

Yeah so that was my day. It was pack full of stuff. Heck the whole week was packed full of stuff.

Oh Athena is up again. Laters.

"Momma's gonna sing you lullaby..."

Things are good. Once again it is Thursday night and I haven't posted since Monday. How does that happen? How is it that the weeks are going by so fast? I guess that is what happens when the days are so richly filled (whining, crying and tantrums included). sINCE i AM YET AGAIN PECKIN THIS ENTRY OUT WITH A NEWBORN...OH nuts. I am not going back to fix that.

So pecking = tidbits.

• Athena has had a stuffy, congested nose for two week now
• She smiled at me for the first time on Tuesday.
• First tears showed up today---the waterworks have started!
• Morella actually got some air in a jump! Also likes to spin to get dizzy, play "go!" in which she yells go and everyone runs.
• Visited Hilary yesterday and after some warm up time with Cullen eventually played with him quite a bit by quitting time. She also loves Leta. She was sitting next to her on the couch watching a movie "Cats and Dogs" -- her second movie ever and she was a huge chatterbox, sitting on the edge of her seat, big expressions ... it was SO cute!
  
• I went to the dentist today with Athena and got my teeth cleaned and stage one of a crown put in. I was also going to get a new mouth guard but they wanted $550 for it. I mean, that cost more than the crown! Ugh. The lab tech said to try the store solutions first. I think I'll just do that. I wish I wasn't a grinder. It sucks that I grind -- and its the reason for the crown right. I would have held it off another three years or whatever except my tooth started hurting after having Athena.
  
• Playgroup at Tenny Park today. One of the tots was violently..no strongly? pushed off one of the playground equipment causing the toddler to fall into the chain. Her Mom caught her before she hit the ground and took her away to calm her down. Now a normal person would scold, or talk to the parent of the pusher right? In this case the person was a tween with Down's Syndrome, and her helper seemed like a teenager. What do you say? I mean the DS girl obviously knew she shouldn't have done that because she was saying "no hitting" after it (and then five minutes later pushed another toddler over). I've been trying to think of the proper response to the whole event and I can't come up with a solid answer. What we did do was remove ourselves from the situation and go to another park. Hopefully the kids are young enough to hopefully not connect the dots on why we left.
  
• Morella waded in water today off a beach on her own accord!
  
• I went out last night with a friend for a couple of hours for some adult conversation. I took Athena and she was pretty good for the most part. It was SO nice to get out. I also scrapped this stupid low yeast diet because it's stressing me out more than anything and I don't notice any change and in fact, since I stopped last night I seem to be better ( as in no symptoms, imagined or not).
• I am really into Bones right now and got Season 1 disc on Netflix. I am now going to work my way through them.
  
• We watched the second season of True Blood this week and it was good. "Heart sick and eyes filled up with gloom...."
• Birth announcements are coming along...I actually manged to finish about 30 of them today and can start sending them out. I need more stamps. I should just order that online because going to the post office with both of these kids is too much of a hassle.
• My Mom was in the hospital again this past week into the weekend because of low potassium from too many water pills, and starvation...if you will believe it. Sigh. I hope she can keep it together for a while longer. I at least want her to meet Athena at Thanksgiving. Sometimes I wish I lived closer so that I could go over and help her out more and visit and cheer her up. Even if it was only a 1/2 an hour a day or whatever. I talked to her tonight and she is doing much better.
  

Athena is crying. Dang it. I really wanted to finish my tea and this post. Oh Tim just took her. Well I can at least finish my tea and call it quits on this post and get ready for bed.

I am having a rough day. I mean despite the rough day, I feel like I am hanging in there so that is good I suppose. I sort of feel like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner .. or any of his movies for that matter. Beat up but not down.

It started out with vinegar coffee. I was going to clean the coffee pot yesterday but half way through the process (read turning it on) I got pulled away to nurse Athena or put out a Morella fire. So when Tim made coffee this morning he was naturally puzzled as to why there was extra water in the pot. Whoops. There goes the morning coffee for both of us.

A short while later I was in the bedroom feeding Athena and Morella was playing next to me on the bed. Then I took a moment to give her some cuddles. I had decided to give her a strawberry? We when you blow on their tummy, and made a big show of it. Morella was getting excited about it, I inhaled a big breath, bent down and just started the "Tbbbtt" when suddenly something happened. That something hurt a lot. It took me almost a minute to put it together. I saw a confused toddler. A puffed up grey cat. My head and neck hurt. Athena was crying.

Migo was in the window right next to the bed. I guess when I started the strawberry to Morella she got scared by the noise and ... attacked my head. Yeah. Just like in movies when a desperate hero throws a cat the evil villain and they turn around in circles screaming. I touched my neck and my fingers came away bloody. I had no idea where to touch my head because it seemed like it was everywhere. Eventually I found the two puncture wounds in my hair and my fingers came away bloody as well. However, hair seems to soak that up so it wasn't that bad.

Anyway. So there I sat. After I realized what happened and threw a shirt at Migo to get her away (she went off and immediately attacked another cat, because you know that is what cats do when they are all riled up), I started to cry. It hurt. It really, really hurt and I just covered my face and cried. Athena cried too but then fell asleep and Morella stood next to me confused. She hugged me long and hard and tried to talk me down. I cried for about 5 minutes before I felt calm enough to thank her for her kind words and try to clean up the attack. Cat claws always infect. Ugh.

Up to that point I was going to walk to the Red Park for Monday play group but then decided to drive so that I could go to McDonald's and get a coffee and a breakfast sandwich.

The play group actually went quite well. Good turnout and all the tots were in good moods and well mannered. The not so great happened again returning home. I gave Morella a lunch she barely ate, changed her diaper and put her to bed. Two minutes into the nap she started screaming NO NO NO NO. I went in and gave her some tylenol (she's teething the last incisor), reminded her it was nap time and went to nurse Athena. She howled for almost 15 minutes screaming NO NO NO NO until she fell asleep. Right as I was done feeding Athena and about to get her. Thank god I thought. Well Athena has an awake time while Morella naps so I was feeding and attending her ... and only 30 minutes passed before Morella woke up and immediately started screaming NO NO NO!

Sigh. I let it go for 10 minutes before it was apparent to me she was not going back to sleep. I went into to get her (nothing was wrong btw) and she wouldn't let me put her down for almost 15 minutes. Thankfully, Athena feel asleep in the swing and is still sleeping while Morella plays with some garage sale find next to me while I retain some sanity and write this out.

Other than today, this weekend was pretty good. We spent a lot of time outside. Bought Morella some new shoes she needs to get used to (for the cold days ahead), played outside a bunch, went to a garage sale, grocery shopped, when to an neighborhood party, watched a few movies, and managed to sort of keep the kitchen under control.

I'm hungry, but there isn't much to eat that doesn't involve bread. I did loosen up yesterday for the party and had a few sweets but limited it, and ate salads and chicken and Tim's curry puffs. So far so good! But I should ease back into it right?

Seriously folks, being attacked by a cat in the head is not a great way to start the week. I think I need to go take some tyelnol myself because my head still hurts. She got me in four spots (one for each leg) and each point is radiating ouch.

I really need to get back into blogging and make sure that I make time for it. There have been too many days now where everything is just so toddler and baby centric that I don't get a chance to talk to anyone else. When Tim comes home from work and after helping put a very energetic toddler to bed, usually just wants to retire to the computer with a cocktail and "turn off" so to speak. Leaving me just nursing a baby all night. I have been watching a lot of movies and shows -- like I just blew through season two of This American Life. But I need to also communicate a little. Or at least talk to someone (you, my journal) to feel like I am being heard, not being redundant, naggy, or boring.

Sigh.

Anyway, on with the comments I have for no one's ears in particular. My own eyes and ears I guess in a few years. I mean to say that writing in a online journal is better than talking to a brick wall, right?

So yeah. Some of those thoughts are:

--Athena has been a much calmer baby this whole week than the week or two before I wonder if it is because the thrush is under control? This diet may feel like the end of the earth to me but she sure seems to be much calmer on it. Or maybe she is starving from the quality sugar and fat ridden milk and has not energy to fight and be colicky. Thrush is supposed to make you feel much gassier and she was terribly gassy, and her mouth was red and she had a white tongue.

--When do start easing up on this wretched diet? Could I start allowing wheat back into my diet and still hold off on the sugar? It's going to be really hard tomorrow because there is a party up the street for a neighbor who is moving. I hate to let good desserts go untasted but it's only been one week. Is that enough? Would two do it? Hm. I have only eaten on light bowl of soup today, some tea and coffee and lots of water. That isn't enough to make quality milk but I am just frozen by what I can eat and how to get it, that I don't eat at all. GAH!!!!!

--I took Morella for a walk this morning to a garage sale a couple blocks over while Athena was taking her morning nap. After leaving the sale with a bag full of stuff, we passed a house with two dogs in it. We have passed this house before. One big black dog barks and barks and the other big white dog watches. This time, the black dog barked, however the white dog was muzzled and howled. You know that "ooooohhhhhhh" over and over. Morella stopped and became very concerned. It took me several minutes to get moving away from the mournful dog and when she did she started signing that she wanted to go bed. I took her home and gave her lunch and she talked about the sad dog (signing bed, and panting). She took an hour nap and got up crying. A short while later she panted and signed bed and looked very concerned again. She was really moved by this howling dog!

Oh crap, Athena is awake and Tim is back with Morella. Here is a picture from yesterday.



ETA: Two other thoughts on the calmness of Athena...could it be the probiotics? Or is it because she has been sick and snuffly? There.

Look at that round face. It just cracks me up to look at her sometimes. Oh goodness, it cracks me up most of the time, the other time I can't stop thinking about how freaking cute she is, and what beautiful eyes she has, and how squishy she is, and how she really looks at me like "aww shucks!" and now inserts a coo every now and then. And yet, I can't imagine what she will look like when she is older. I have been going back to look at photos of Morella when she was a baby and some of them really look like her now, and how the early photos look like generic baby. I think her real appearance started to emerge around 5 months. That said, there is some resemblance I can see in the early pictures, like the expressions.




Morella got up from her afternoon nap in a super crabby mood, and crying. She had a poopy diaper and wanted me to change it right away but didn't want to go back bed (despite needing it). I plopped her on the couch for 10 minutes of Wiggle songs. While sitting there and I finished feeding Athena I asked Morella if she could sit next to her. She nodded yes. Then Athena started to slip down the couch cushion onto Morella. I was sending Tim the first picture when I heard I "NO!" and looked over to see that Athena was trying to eat Morella's arm, much to her dismay.



Tonight is Thursday and game night. Tim went to buy pizza for the guys since it's their one year anniversary. I can't have pizza on this bullshit diet so I decided to go to Copp's to get a deluxe salad from their salad bar. When we got there, I saw that cart was available so I asked Morella if she wanted to ride in it. She LOVES these plastic cars (much to my horror) and so it was the most pleasant shopping experience in ages!

A word on this low yeast diet. Notice I said "low". I tried to so the No Yeast Diet but I just can't. I need to eat some fruit to help feel full and make things work. You know? Eating just vegetables and meat makes me feel incredibly hungry. I am nursing which is a hungry making job already and then add this on top of it and I am in my own little hell hole. Yesterday, I was SO angry at the people who thought of diets and people who follow diets. It's so machochistic. It's like a glorified form of cutting. And by diets, I mean these strict diets not just cutting back on bad food and eating healthier. I am talking the "don't eat figs, food that grow in the moonlight, wheat, sugar, blah blah blah" You can eat millet and you better be happy doing it. In fact, you eating millet makes you better than everyone because you have such marvelous self control, and love to torture yourself ...

Ugh See? I'm getting angry about it now.

So I decided to just do my very bestest to not consume large amounts of refined sugar. I felt like I was making some serious progress until tonight when my nipples started to feel a bit tender and things started to get itchy elsewhere, if you catch my drift. Was it dryness? Was it all the extra nursing Athena did today because she couldn't much last night on an account of her cold? Is it all in my head? Was it the dressing I put on my salad yesterday that had sugar in it? Were the stars aligned just right? Am I crazy? GAH! I wanted to quit. But quitting is going to help anything. I just need to keep trying and see if this just something that happened this evening.

Thankfully, Morella went to bed somewhat early at 6:40 after a bath, and stories, and Athena finally settled down around 6:30 so I could put Morella to bed and read those stories. They have both been sleeping peacefully the last almost two hours leaving me precious time to take a shower, get dressed, do some internet reading and commenting, eat my sushi dinner (with soy sauce that contained wheat which I considered to be the winner over soy sauce that had sugar), pick up some toys outside, feed the pets, pick up toys inside, and make the bed better (set up for night time with Athena).

Last night, while cuddling a sick Athena and tethered to the couch, I watched Penelope. I have been watching A LOT of movies these days. Most evenings Athena will settle if I am settled with her. I would rather just sit on the couch and not be able to do much rather than keep trying to put her down for five minutes of freedom only to spend 15 minutes calming her down.

Or maybe it's her cold that is making her all bearable...or maybe the thrush is really under control in her and she is more comfortable...or maybe all those stupid probiotics I've been taking have been helping her somehow...or maybe .... or ....

Lastly, Morella has had lots of playdates recently. I almost feel like we are seeing more people after Athena was born then before. I feel like my hermit side is about to kick in, but then at the same time that would mean I would have to entertain and burn off Morella's endless energy all my myself -- and it's just much easier to have another toddler do that. ;)

Athena is one month old. She is lying in my arm right now while I hunt and peck this post out. I would put her down but I am afraid that she will wake and get fussy thereby giving me no time to write. So slow writing is better than no writing.

For her one month birthday she has the pleasure of experiencing her first cold. She got it from Morella no doubt. My hope is that it will be as mild as Morella's was and that breastmilk will contain some immunity for her. The most I felt from the cold was a bit of a scratchy throat for a day yesterday. It is quite sad to hear her little snorting noises as she tries to breath through her nose. She has been sleeping a good portion of this evening giving me a bit of break, and I hope that doesn't translate into up all night. Poor Athena. Morella didn't get her first cold until she was six months old. I guess, it is one of the hazards of being second born.

Aside from regular newbornness, I noticed that she is starting to pay more attention to the face of whomever is holding her and really looking at us. The last day or two she as even started to coo and try out her vocal chords. Cool! Soon Ill be able to bust out her play mat and let her look nat the lights and listen to the music. The biggest challenge regarding that will be keeping Morella from stepping on her stomach.

One of the hardest things so far in this new adventure is keeping Morella from crushing Athena while I am nursing her. Even the gentleness of "be careful" reminders soon has both kids bawling with me trapped between.

I was thinking tonight about my expectations in what it was to be a Mom. Whenever I thought about it, I would think about baking cookies, doing arts and crafts, playing in the leaves, watching them put on plays for me, eating dinner together etc. I guess a big part of me doesn't really feel like a Mom yet. For example, when I look at the other Mom's in our playgroup interacting with their kids, they seem totally "momlike" to me. I still sort of feel like an imposter. A glorified baby sitter. So much of this Mom business is getting through each day keeping them alive.

[nursing break]

Sure I appreciate all the sweet moments and try to get through those rough spots (all the while trying not to wish away the early days too fast) ...

Maybe I'll feel the Mom bit when someone actually calls me "Mom." Or maybe I feel it already and it's time to adjust those old expectations. Hm. No...no, I am still waiting for that "I'm someone's Mom" moment.

Oh! In other news, Morella used the potty for the first time today! I even had Tim bring in the potty to show me, in front of guests, to verify that there was indeed pee in the potty. Wow! Tim has been working on using the potty with Morella. I always thought I would be the one to potty train the kid, but I guess not.

The sucky thing about three day weekends is that you get used to having extra help around the house to distract Morella while I nurse Athena -- which as many of you know is a lot. I look forward to when I can distract her with toys, when she goes longer between sessions, has a more concrete nap schedule and is a more effective nurser.

This is one of the rare Labor Day weekends where we didn't go and visit my Dad and it was quite nice. I mean, sure I would have liked to have seen my Dad, but staying here all nights was great.

Athena snorts and I must answer.

Okay. I think it's time to face the facts. These last two weekends I have been presented with cake. Lots of it, and like a total idiot I ate lots of it. I mean, sweet things are the easiest things to eat when you are strapped for time and when they are available. But like last weekend, when I eat the cake I feel the thrush act up. Sigh. I don't want to do it. In fact, I feel very resentful whenever I have to do something like follow a diet but in this case, I think I need to stop eating sugar for a week or two. I know. It's not the end of the world. I can go back to eating it after the time is up and when this thrush is gone, but ... gosh darn it I really resent doing it.

I mean, I feel the same about dairy. I don't want to give it up, even when I think it might help colic or possible reflux, but at the same time I end up cutting back what I eat and avoiding it anyway. I might as well just do it. Not that I have been eating lots of dairy anyway, I mean the sugar. Sugar is one of my favorite things in the world so giving it up is something I never really wanted to do. But it's for the greater good, right? And like I said, it's not permanent. I sort of wish I could go back and not eat all that sweet food but then again would it have really sunk in that these two things are related?

Maybe.

In other news, Athena is a total fuss buss at night. The classic colic period. The bright side is that when she goes down around 10:30 she is down for the night. The last three nights she has sleep 5, 6 and then last night 7 hours without getting up. I hope that trend continues when the colic starts to fade.

We ended up going to the neice's 1st birthday party in Milwaukee because Morella wasn't showing any signs of sick today and she had no temperature. I really hope that even that one day of sick doesn't lead to an ear infection. Especially since she lost our good thermometer and I only have the one that takes forever to read a temp. Both kids did fairly well on the trip and I can't help but to think how Sarah and her two little ones are faring on their long ass drive to Colorado. Ugh, I can't imagine especially at night when one of them is fussy like this.

I wonder if I will feel better for not eating sugar. I wonder what I will find to eat or if I will just end up fasting for most of it. I bet I'll be fasting more than anything. Tea without sugar? Hm. I guess I'll just try and pretend that is how is I have always liked it. Sugar? Who needs it?

So the reason Morella was a total bear yesterday and has been night crying the last two nights is because she is sick. Today she is the classic image of a snot nosed toddler. I don't know what Athena's issue is, but she is equally unhappy.

The pediatrician said we had to do a round of gentian violet for three days followed by another round of nystatin to try and kick this thrush. I now have purple boobs and a purple faced baby. Needless to say we aren't going to be leaving the house today.

For the moment, both are taking naps. I should take one myself. The bright side to all of this is that I got a really cute picture of Morella holding Athena. As soon as I had put her in Morella's arms she fell asleep. Morella held her for about 20 minutes before she had enough. What a great big sister.

I got conned into a soy latte about an hour ago so I don't need to try and take an afternoon nap. Instead I can work on a much needed update, and finish up ordering a crapload of pictures -- included in those is the photo for Athena's birth announcement. I would much rather get hers done in less than the five months it took for us to do Morella's. ;) At first it started out just me ordering that photo and a few others but you know how it goes "might as well do them all since I am here and making the effort, and they have the 10 cent per photo special going on."

---Had to get Athena...she won"t settle down for nap. Now I am reduced to one finger typing....----

Whoa, okay so she went to sleep and I finished my ordering, though no pictures from the last week were included. That would involve downloading, etc and that is a process that doesn't need to be done right now. You know, if I did it I would never get it done! I kept reminding myself that last night as I tackled cleaning off my shelf and desk in the bedroom. After hours and hours of staring at it I wanted it to be clean. The key is to just put the stuff where they belong and not get bogged down by wanting to organize the stuff where it went, reading magazines or books, finishing letters, putting away photos. No, those are projects for another time. Oh and I took a shower and finally put in a teabag in the water I have microwaved four times over the course of this morning.

This past weekend we went to Chilton to have Athena baptized. It was our first long car ride and it went okay, better than I expected. In fact that one night have Tim's Mom help out by holding Athena has me now thinking of imposing myself, Morella and Athena on their hospitality for a week or so to get a little extra help and time to myself to rest and relax. Ha ha. I mean, of course I would still have both kids during the day but maybe at night I would have a little extra help holding Athena while I did something other than just care for babies all day long. Sigh, sometimes I wish my Mom lived closer so that she could hold the baby at night.

I talked with my Mom this past weekend and gave her the assignment of writing me letters telling me all about what it was like for her with us kids. I mean, she had Doug and Shane at about the same age as Morella and Athena and then put in me, and the other brothers and it's a story I want to hear about. She called me back a day later and asked "Are you sure you want to hear it? There are some pretty miserable parts." I told her "Yes, because if it was all sunshine and daisies then I would feel like a bad Mom." I am looking forward to reading these installments.

Anyway the baptism was a nice ceremony. Uncle Mark and Aunt Erica, along with my friend Sarah all agreed to be sponsors for Athena and travelled up to attend the event. There were lots of kids, lots of cake and some really, well thought out gifts for Athena. I was really impressed -- Athena got this silver charm bracelet from Mark and Erica with a little peridot stone (birth stone), the A initial, and a little cross to mark the occasions they have spent with her. They plan on adding a charm as she grows up -- it's some really awesome jewelry. I didn't get great jewelry like that until my engagement ring! Oh I wonder if that fits yet...I should look for it and try it on. Wearing rings again sounds lovely...

Sarah gifted Athena with a little Owl Babies book (Athena's familiar), a Greek stories book for when she is older, a handmade card that I intend to frame, butterfly shoes that Morella could wear but Tim doesn't want her too because those Robeez shoes are really best for one time kid wearing, and a stack of her wonderful rocky road bars (all gone now), and a batch of Dave's famous lasagna! What a bounty!

Lastly, Athena received a My first photo album for her Aunt Sarah and Uncle Luke and her grandparents gave her a beautiful statue music box. Personally, I love music boxes and I am sure the girls will really like theirs as well when they are older. Though at that point, I'll probably have to put them away until they can't break them. ;)

In nursing news -- we are still nursing. The thrush is better but not gone. I can still see a lesion on her right cheek and I still have occasional tenderness and shooting pains in both nipples. I kind of wish that I had pushed for the diflucan route instead of this nystatian nonsense. It's such a pain in the ass squirting this yellow horrid stuff in her mouth after every feeding and trying to minimize swallowing because I think it gives her an upset tummy and diarrhea. It's not gone yet, and .... ugh. I have a feeling I'll be calling the doctor on Friday and seeing about getting something else. On the other hand I feel obliged to at least try and finish this treatment instead of abandoning it half way through.

This morning I had a epiphany regarding Athena nursing from the left breast. She has such a shallow latch and is constantly popping and off and it's incredibly frustrating for both of us. Well this morning after about 10 minutes of fighting with her about it, I realized that she had no problem nursing from it in the side lying position. I figured I had nothing to lose since we were still in bed and gave it a shot. What do you know, she latched right away and had a great session! I think the side lying position somehow affects the flow from the breast because it has such a heavy and fast let down. I mean you even touch it and it sprays milk. Now I wonder how long she will have to nurse from that side lying down ... until she has bigger mouth or can handle a fast let down? How long will that take?

If I can just shake this thrush I might actually declare nursing to be something that I like. I mean, it's just SO much easier than pumping. Oh man, even thinking about pumping gives the willies.

Athena had a dentist appointment yesterday. She was declared the youngest patient ever at 3 1/2 weeks. They decided to leave the tooth alone since it's not fully erupted and embedded enough that they don't think it will fall out. Thankfully I didn't have to pay out of pocket for her because .... I had my tooth checked out that they recommended for a crown and set up a cleaning appointment and crown work to be done on the 17th. Ugh. It's all because I started grinding my teeth again. I do that when I get stressed out. Thanks Athena. :P I did bring the camera but forgot to actually take a photo once I was there. Nutz.

They were really eager to do it right then and there, but I said no because I needed to get home so Tim could go back to work. Then they wanted to do it on Thursday and I said that wasn't enough time. I think they must be pretty desperate for work. Tim said maybe it's because in a recession people are more willing to let dental work slide.

This morning I ventured out to try and shop for a birthday present for my niece who is turning on Saturday. I tried to go to this store called Cupcake but it was closed! Of course, now I see on the website it says to call head for hours. What the? I mean, do they have any idea how hard it is to pack up a 22 month old crabby girl, and a 3 1/2 week old infant for this little trip only to be letdown by a closed sign? Ugh. Since we were out I stopped at Absolutely Art because Hilary said they have kids stuff. Sadly the selection was very tiny, and it was just shirts, a few onsies and a bunch of artsy fartsy stuff that meant I had to carry both girls the ENTIRE time I was there. Escaping from that store without breaking anything we headed next door to Cafe Zoma. I got a turkey sandwich, peach muffin and a soy latte and was going to head outside to sit and let Morella play on the little plastic playground area they have except I noticed she was minus one shoe.

Ugh. I left the food, and a dollie and headed out to search for the shoe. Thankfully it was in the car. I went back, we went out side and was soon swarmed by bees. I mean it. There were no less than seven hornets fighting over our food. Plus there was a Mom there with an 18 month old genius proclaiming very loudly to her friend and some stranger they just met about what a brilliant kid she had and how she does things. I mean, it sort of makes me want to carry about "World's Greatest Mom" buttons to hand out so I can fully acknowledge it. For the record, her kid didn't seem that genius-y to me. In fact, she was one of those kids that just stands there and eats something while Morella runs circles around them and tries to engage them in ... well anything.

We ran away from the bees. I left my plate on the table even though I am sure it's a "bus your own" sort of place because of the hornet swarm. I figure someone who works there can take that risk but I was unwilling to let the aggressive bees take out their angst on Athena, myself or Morella.

Came home. Morella didn't eat lunch. I put her to bed for a nap. Athena took an hour to settle and ate a ton. Once down I celebrated by finishing ordering photos, taking a shower, making some tea and writing this mega post.

I just heard Morella cough. I think she might be getting up soon. We are going to go over to Ann and Noah's this afternoon to play. Ann has been just wonderful coming over to take Morella out for a bike ride, to the park or for a walk giving me a chance to feed Athena in peace, take a shower, get dinner ready and overall relax a bit. She and Noah is going to be a way for a week and I know already that Morella and I are going to miss them.

So my next big project is going to be sending out birth announcement photos and thank you cards. I am looking forward to this because it is a reason for writing that MUST be done. Speaking of which, I need to email the playgroup asking for addresses.

Okay. That's enough for now I guess. Wait, how am I doing over all? I guess I am doing pretty good. It's so easy to forget that I shouldn't overdue it. On one hand it feels like a million years ago that I was super pregnant and uncomfortable, and tired all the time so now that I am really starting to recover I want to jump ahead and do all the things I used to do. There are reminders though that it was less a month ago when I carry both kids for eight blocks and feel like my pelvic floor is going to fall out later on, or when I can't fit even my fat pants despite loosing 26 pounds (I still need another 16 to go before I am at pre pregnancy --- but it took at least five months for that with Morella so I would do well to remember that it took 10 months to change my body and it's going to take about as long to get it back). I am still not back to my previous shoe size -- about a 1/2 a size off ... but I know I'll get there. I am regaining my energy during the day and don't always need to have a nap especially when I had what I consider to be a good night's sleep. Emotionally there are still times when I feel very challenged - especially when both children are crying at the same time and I am racing to get dinner on the table so that each can be dealt with, or when I think about leaving the house and thinking about the process of getting both ready. I just have to remember to do it. Go for it -- it gets easier with practice and time and staying holed up in the house isn't going to help matters. I think that keeping in mind winter is coming with all the sickness, bitter cold, snow and mandatory housebound is incentive to get my butt out there and enjoy as much of the beautiful days and weather we have now.

Gosh, did I write a novel or what?