To answer Hilary's question - yes we do have a swing -- but it's one of the older models that is just a swing that goes back and forth. It is not one of the fancy cradle swings that goes either way. It's my experiences that babies like the sideways motion when they are little and the back and forth motion a little later. At this point, Morella still hates the swing. I try it every now and then to see if she has changed her mind and so far now. I WISH I had a cradle swing. I had said it was one of the things I had wanted -- but I guess I am getting by without it.

Thank god for the exercise ball. Though it takes a toll on my back it's the only thing that calms her down when she's really shouting is to bounce.

And now for the reason I am posting -- while pumping last night I came across this site: Hands free pumping that involves four hair bands total. I tried it out and holy cow! It works and I don't have to get no special bra! Hurray! Hurray for typing and surfing the internet and pumping at the same time or I can do chest compressions at the same time to speed things up. I don't know I could handle holding a baby though. I guess time will tell.

Man I need a shower.

Baby Mad! Baby Smash!

Man, this baby was a total pill today. She was up at 6.30 and went straight on until I put her to bed at 10.30. She just wouldn't sleep very long -- there was a two hour stretch from 2-4 that we both took a nap but that was it. Just little cat naps otherwise and huge helping of crying. We went over to brother in law Phil's house for a Christmas celebration/visit and she cried almost the whole two and half hours we were there. We think of one her problems is that she has to poop -- her digestive system is still pretty wonky and slow and she only poops every other day. Her last poop as of tomorrow morning, will be two days ago. Sigh.

I was able to get her to sleep by giving her a bath and putting on some of that lavender calming comfort lotion afterward, feeding her another bottle (she wouldn't really take one before that) and rocking and then holding her while she fell into deep sleep. By that time I was afraid to get out of bed for fear of waking her that I feel asleep and didn't get up until Tim went to bed at 1:00 -- at which point I got up to pump. So that was a three and half hour stretch...and I pumped for 23 minutes (you do it longer the longer you go) and I got a little over four ounces. At this point I am producing more than Morella is drinking and I am freezing the excess. That is only because Morella is on the low end of the 19-30 ounces that a baby drinks every day. I think, based now on a week of looking at it, that I can pump about 27 ounces a day. So you see, there is really no room to spare regarding maintaining the supply, and they say it takes 12 weeks for your supply to be firmly established. All the reports say to pump 10-12 times a day for the first 12 weeks...but who can do that? I pump as much as I can and I can still only average 7-8 times a day.

It's really, really hard to pump during the day when the baby is constantly fussy and won't sleep. I had to resort to using the vacuum today and listening to her cry while I just resigned myself to power pumping (aka five minutes here and there whenever I get a chance).

Anyway. At Morella's weight check appointment this past Friday she had gained another eight ounces in four days for a total of 8 pounds and 7 ounces. That means she gained about a pound in ONE WEEK. A pound folks. That far outstrips the lousy 10 ounces she gained during a whole month with breastfeeding as the focus.

Sigh. I still want to breastfeed though -- and I offer it to her daily. We have a little session where I try, but she still has such issues eating and latching -- and just barely squeaks by with the bottle (as in she doesn't eat that well from a bottle either as it's a struggle for her to finish one without her choking several times).

So I am keeping my hopes up in that regard, but I have also started to try and change my perspective regarding exclusively pumping. If I don't change my perspective on this and make it a positive one -- I am likely to go mad. If I just accept it, then maybe it won't be so bad figuring out the ropes to doing this. Though I have already learned a few tricks -- like refrigerating the pumping bottle/equipment after a session so I can cut down on the amount of washing I have to do. I might also succumb to buying a hands free pumping bra -- though I have managed to find a way to keep them precariously in place just using a plain old bra, but like I said it's precarious. Eventually I will be able to drop down to only 6-7 pumping sessions a day. Some of them are 10 minutes long, others are 20 minutes (double pumping) -- but at the end of the days it's still about 2 1/2 hours spent total sitting here and pumping. I suppose that's not to bad considering how often some people have to breast feed. I guess there are pros and cons both ways here.

I should go back to bed in case Morella does this again tomorrow. Of course the grandparents are visiting -- and she probably will have tired herself out from today and just sleep all day tomorrow (and poop hopefully!).

Stinky Baby

Tim declared Morella to be too stinky to feed so we just HAVE to give her a bath. She is pretty stinky -- she spits up ... well is it spit up if she never swallowed it to begin with? Well when that stuff oozes out and we aren't fast enough to catch it with a burp cloth (why aren't we using bibs???? note to self, start using them!) then they slide into neck folds where they molder....and thus we end up with a stinky baby.

She isn't feeding as great today. She was all fussy and not feeling that well this morning. She has been tooting all afternoon, so I think it's a combination gas and reflux (since she keeps straightening out and eating really slowly and lack lustery). I am so tempted to just give her a bottle of straight up expressed milk without the rice thickener because maybe she would eat faster...but I don't know how much good that would do. Other than that, she was up most of the day. Just looking around. Not wanting a whole lot of interaction with me or Tim but wanting to be held (not too close though!) and just ... chilling. :D She finally crashed at around 5:00 in my arms and instead of fighting it, I just went to sleep with her. So for two hours we all slept in this house. She is still sleeping right now in fact -- only getting up to eat a 1.5 ounces...though she'll be up more in a bit when she takes that bath.

Hilary had gotten her an adorable outfit a few weeks ago, and when she first got it she swam in it. Today she fits this outfit perfectly. I mentioned this to her and she said that next week I'll be packing it up. That just a little bittersweet -- she'll officially outgrow an outfit (and possibly a few more). At the same time she'll be entering the wide world of 0-3 month clothing. No more Newborn for our little Bit.

Not only is Morella being much more wakeful, but I tried out the exercise gym (play mat thing) that we had gotten from Lowen and it's broken. The music has a glitch that it plays over and over. We are going to try and return it to Babies R Us without a receipt tomorrow...but we did try it out and she loves it! She likes looking at the stuff hanging down and the light... I had tried it out in the beginning and she wasn't interested but now she is. I also think she is getting some chub to those cheeks! Maybe she'll get the Redeagle cheeks...maybe.

Oh the bath begins, I should go hover. I have yet to give her a bath on my own. Tim is just so good at it. I did take a shower with her once...but that isn't the same. In minutes we will have a clean smelling fresh baby. Normally she loves baths, but right now I hear crying. I think it must because she doesn't like being awakened from a nap to take a bath.

Tomorrow we have a weight check for the baby...I hope she does well. I am already not looking forward to Tim going back to work. :(

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

We just got back from an overnight stay at the grandparents (Tim's side) for Christmas. It was a pretty special one because not only was it Morella's first Christmas but she was also baptised. :D Her Grandmother got her, hands down, the most completely adorable baptismal gown I have ever seen. I mean, it was perfect -- it's heirloom quality.

It was a fine Christmas and Morella made out like a bandit! She got some great outfits but more importantly she got to spend lots of one on one time with her relatives. Tim and I got in a few naps ourselves. ;)

Without out further ado -- here are some photos!







An update on the doctor's appointment on Monday --- Morella gained 7 ounces. Yes, you read that right. She gained 7 ounces in four days. What did we do different in those four days you might ask? We bottlefed her expressed milk and she was on baby zantax. It was a tough four days though because all day was spent feeding baby off and on. We are all fairly certain that she has reflux and so it took forever. It was nice to see that this hard work paid off though (not only in constant feedings but the pumping schedule too). The doctor recommended that we start adding a teaspoon of rice cereal to her bottle to thicken the milk and keep it in her tummy (try to reduce episodes of reflux). After two days, I think we both agree that it's having an affect. She is eating her bottle faster, not having as many episodes -- oh and yeah she is drinking from a regular bottle nipple now. The special haberman feeder won't work with the thickened milk.

We are having another weight check on Monday, and she is still going ahead with the suck/swallow test next week to evaluate that. She is still having difficulty with breastfeeding -- this really might be something that she just one day "gets" -- but at this point in time she doesn't. In the meantime, the best I can do is offer it to her once awhile with no pressure -- and continue pumping, thickening, feeding and giving her medicine. The plus side to this (aside from her great weight gain, less fussiness and overall more happy baby) is that Tim gets to spend some quality bonding time with her. Not to mention that I get to spend time with her without feeling overwhelmed and like a failure.

Anyway. She stirs...I must go.

In a one handed, typing nutshell, while baby sleeps in crook of arm:

• I am pretty much still pumping and bottlefeeding. Attempts for Morella to take the breast are futile. It's ok though because now we are able too see how much she is getting--and it's on the low end of normal. We might get the base 19 oz today -- maybe. It's also easier to see when she is having reflux.....which brings me to point two..
• The test on Friday only tested to see if she had a normal stomach and esophagus. Thankfully she does. However, in the 5 minutes that the test was performed, Mmorella refluxed twice up to her collarbone. Suddenly, and really over the course of the day--it totally makes sense. I mean, we SEE it happening to her now that we know what to look for. We think her swallow/suck reflexis fine and that the real culprit is severe reflux.
  
• Feeding her is an all day affair. She can only eat 1 to 1.5 ounces before the reflux starts and she stops, stiffens, cries and then calms down. Now that we know what we are looking for we can stop, scale the food down to nothing so that she won't choke on more liquid going down her throat. It's not uncommon for her to take an hour and a half to eat 2.5 ounces.
  
• We wonder when the baby xantax (randidine) is supposed to start working and how long it will be before we can get to prevacid. So Karen, you were totally right.
  
• We are also going to ask for more info regarding fortifying her milk---sadly it will be with formula but there are the benefits of breastmilk still there. That said, it would hamper breast feeding.
• Tim said not to get all down about it and attack with one problem at a time. After we get this reflux under control we can focus more on her breast feeding again.
• She has anaother doctor appointment for Monday when we discuss this. She also has the real suck/swallow test scheduled for Jan. 2nd.

Other things...

• Morella is going to be baptised on Christmas Day. We are heading up there on xmas eve and spending the night. I have been looking forward to this so I can get some sleep and have some help! Since the breastfeeding is stalled she would drink by bottle --leaving me to only get up to pump, instead of pump and feed her until it's time for the next pumping....
• I love duel parenting. Tim has an 11 day stretch to be home with me and the Bit--and it's really nice. He made a really awesome dinner tonight of mashed parsnips (with a little brown sugar and pepper) and an indian dish -- paneer makhanwala. We got the ingrediants from a real indian grocery we found by accident last Saturday. It was SOOOOooo good. Tim even went all out and made some eggnogg. I was surprised he was in such a festive mood!
  
• I left the house and visited the Samsa's this afternoon for a quick visit and gift exchange. I am afraid that I totally came out ahead. Rather, Morella did. I think that it a sign of things to come, which is totally okay with me! I am sad to say that I felt anxious as I came back though -- now I am completely worried and focused on preserving my milk supply and keeping ahead of Morella. I am only one feeding ahead of her so I feel the gun to constantly pump. I made some cookies to help and looked for fenegreek at Walgreens but they didn't have it. I know Community Pharmacy would have it, but how do I get there with Morella? Rather...how do I find parking....I'm such a wuss when it comes to public parking and walking several blocks with a baby in a car seat to go to the store. I would do the sling thing except, she isn't that big of a fan of it right now. Hm.

It's time to give Morella more medicine (she hates it) try to feed her some more, and .... you guessed it....pump.

-

It's Not Me - It's the Baby

Tim took some time off to go to the pediatrician appointment with me. I didn't think it would take long -- why I thought that is beyond me. It was another 2 hour adventure.

We show up and of course they want a demonstration that I know how to breastfeed and that Morella can latch. Morella does latch right away and nursed for only 2-3 minutes before she started crying. They always think that everything is okay when they see her latch and nurse for a few minutes -- but I told them to wait and for once, Morella didn't let us down. Then the doctor wanted to see her eat by bottle -- and again Morella didn't let us down. Though she ate from the bottle for 2-3 minutes she eventually started her shenanigans of eating, stopping, sucking without swallowing and choking when too much milk get into her mouth. She let formula slide out of her mouth -- etc. All the stuff that I have told you. All the while she showed signs that she was really hungry, crying and eventually falling asleep.

It was a long appointment where Mama Doctor came out (the original Pediatrician that I have labeled as no-nonsense is now Mama Doctor -- because the other pediatrician seemed more like a ... well I don't know daughter doctor). Anyway she came and Daughter Doc said "She chokes, I think she has a weak suck and bad swallow reflex -- it's discordant. You expect this in a new born of 1 - 2 days or premies -- but not a one month old."

Mama Doctor decided to try and feed the baby the bottle. In the course of 15 minutes, with Morella crying and fighting the whole time she magically made her finish the bottle and then was quite proud of herself for doing so.

In any case, we got a prescription for some reflux medicine, and an recommendation for Morella to have a GI Barium test done to check her swallow and suck reflex. After we left and while waiting for the prescription, I looked over at Morella -- sleeping in her car seat suddenly start vomiting -- it was like a bubbly fountain. I was horrified and went to help her. At the same time Tim was on the phone with the GI people scheduling this test for her. All I can say, is thank god I had an extra onsie, outfit and receiving blanket in the diaper bag. It gave the waiting room quite the sight to see us scramble and clean up this whole mess. Tim said "what would did they think when we put her on the floor?"

I said that she was on her receiving blankets and it was much safer than the seats. Besides who cares.

I think the reason she vomited was because she was force fed a bottle while screaming the whole time.

After much calling and arranging - Tim finally ended up with a appointment at the UW-Hospital tomorrow for the barium/suck/swallow study at 9:00AM. She can't eat four hours before the appointment and I have to bring milk with me.

We went home and she slept the whole time. This should show that this baby has taken a turn for the worse this week. She's shouldn't be sleeping -- she's that hungry. She has only gained 10 ounces in a month, that's only about 2 ounces a week. Not nearly enough. She expends most of her energy eating and therefore hasn't been gaining.

Is this because of reflux? Or her weak suck/swallow? We don't know, not yet. We might not find out the answer. But the other pediatrician did mention the possibility of her being admitted to the hospital. Another possibility mentioned is that we might have to fortify the breast milk that she does get so she gets more calories. Baby Power Milk. Ha ha. Well, I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

In the end, I am doing everything right. Even though I am constantly under fire to demonstrate that I know how to breastfeed -- it is usually agreed that both Morella and I are doing everything right. What isn't right is why she doesn't stay latched, why she doesn't eat from the breast OR bottle well.

I hope that Morella doesn't have to spend her first Christmas in the hospital. I hope this medicine helps her and she eats better. When she came home we gave it to her and I fed her a bottle. I am now letting her rest, but she'll have to get up again at 5 so I can try to feed her some more. She did drink it all with less problems than before -- but she was also somewhat sleepy and hungry I am sure. In the meantime, I have to keep pumping and doing what I am doing.

Poor girl. But you know, even though she hasn't caught on with this whole eating this (maybe something was damaged in the suctioning when she was born, or maybe it's just some plain old physical problem like the muscles don't close all the way -- or maybe it's a combination of reflux or maybe it's just reflux. In any case -- keep her in mind that she gets over this hurdle quickly and will be on her way to thriving in no time.

--Also, we came back to two packages in the mail from Carla and the Spencers! Cool. That helped cheer this day up a bit. Especially since the outfits from Carla are newborn. And everyone told us she would grow out of them right away -- HA! Morella sure showed all of you. :(

Morella: 26 Days




Last night she went to sleep a little roughly. Her breathing is a pain for me to hear -- I wish I could fix it right away. We got her to sleep by letting her have a good cry (no longer than 15 minutes) she only cried for 7 though before crashing out. I called the clinic and have an appointment with another pediatrician tomorrow morning at 11.45am.

After taking way too long this morning trying to get her to breastfeed (success at only 45%) and an hour had passed she was getting sleepy again and she needed to eat. So I succumbed to bottle so that I could go and pump. I woke Tim up for that duty, but it was like 5.30 at that point anyway. :P

She went to sleep after eating only about an ounce and half. I figure that she might have gotten an ounce from me. Not that much. She slept for another 3 hours before I woke up her up to eat again -- again from bottle and after I had pumped. At some point I just decided to pump today and give ourselves the day off. Her breathing still isn't that great -- I might try breast feeding her later -- but right now I want to see her eat as much as she can.

That said, I am feeling so much better today. She is sleeping most of the day. I get her up to eat every 2-3 hours and she nibbles on the bottle. I am keeping track of how much she is eating so far -- and so far we are only up to about 10-11 ounces. She's still eating very slowly.

Really, it's amazing how much better I feel today. So the plan:

go to pediatrician tomorrow and see what he says
go to pediatrician on Monday and see what she says

weigh their opinions

possibly go with a private lactation consultant who does home visits and gives unlimited support for one time fee

----------------I feel a little better having a plan for now.

I love her today. She is the cutest, sweetest little baby I ever did see. I love putting socks on her only to see maybe minutes later she is sockless on one foot. Her feet are just the most adorable things ever. Of course her outfit makes her look like a little boy today -- but hey those colors are perfectly acceptable and those socks totally say girl.

I think she is looking different. Her nose has come out more, her hands are a little bigger, the cro-magnum crease is mostly gone from her face. Her hair is filling out a bit. She's so darn precious when she has her eyes open and is studying something SO intently.

When I woke up to look at her this morning she has busted an arm free from her swaddle and had her arm raised above her head. I nearly melted.

-- oh and today was also awesome because Hilary stopped by with donuts that I ravenously scarfed down moments after she left. What a good friend. :D

It's 10:30 -- I put her down to scream it out. She was all froggy and struggling to breath again so Tim thought a good crying fit would help her. She cried for about 7 minutes while I pumped -- because she rejected me again straight out, but then latched onto my thumb and was still clearly hungry.

She is hungry. But refuses the breast, and drinks a bottle VERY slowly. Like an ounce an hour. Her stuffy nose and froggy throat have not gotten better despite the humidifier and no noticeable boogers in her nose.

Gah. Do we wait until next Monday to do something about this? Or is this something I can call the clinic about? I don't know how this works?! Would they even believe me? I feel like I need to have Tim there with me to prove my case.

Why is she refusing the breast now? Even in the beginning days with the bad latching and nipple shields she would at least try. Now overnight she's like -- no thanks?

I mean, she did nurse at 6:00 for a good 25 minutes. But that was it, oh and this morning at 3.30am -- but all other attempts are for naught. Is she going to be on the bottle now for the next couple of days? Do I just continue what I am doing? Is this breastfeeding venture on the verge of collapse?

Breastfeeding Chronicles: Setback -- Refusal of breast, possible forceful letdown and maybe reflux?


Yesterday we went to the Lactation Consultant -- and learned that four days of exclusively breastfeeding was not enough. She only gained 2.3 ounces for an average of 1/2 an ounce a day. This is the low end of what's acceptable. So now I had to make an appointment with the pediatrician for next Monday - xmas eve. AND I have to go back to the LC on the 2nd which the wretched plan of using the supplemental nursing system. That's the jug hanging from your neck with tiny little tubes taped to your nipples that lets a steady flow while you nurse.

I was devastated. Hurt. She said "Maybe she's crying because she is hungry." She doesn't believe me when I say she is gassy or has a rumbly tummy and whenever it's like that she doesn't eat much. In fact she has a bad night and cried most of it -- as well as the morning. Her tummy didn't lie. She didn't want to nurse. What am I supposed to do?

Well apparently now I am supposed to offer a bottle. Great. Bottles are supposed to decrease milk supply - everyone and their brother warns of using a bottle for supplement (and I am referring to bottled breastmilk). Except for ... well, I will et to that in a second.

I went home and cried. The neighbor came and caught me in a fit and suggested that the doctors and LC aren't supportive enough. It would seem that is the case. I mean, I thought the whole purpose was to get Morella to breastfeed from both sides and now that she was I am supposed to use a bottle? When did the focus shift to weight gain? How much is enough? When am I going to be done with them?

I decided maybe I should call the La Leche League people and so I went online to look and noticed that they were having their meeting on Monday night instead of Wednesday like I had thought. I asked Hilary if she wanted to go -- nope. I asked Tim and he said no. I thought about going myself because Morella was coming up on 3 hours of sleeping and I was going to try and feed her before we got there.

No go. She didn't want to eat. She was fussy. So finally I packed her up and we went. I could barely keep it together. While we were there and the leaders asked if any of us had questions or issues, I raised my hand and broke down -- managing to get most of my sad tale out. The women WERE very supportive.

They watched Morella eat and tried to help with a cradle position (I can't do it yet) and said I might have a forceful or fast letdown. I would believe it. Morella often seems like she is choking and gulping, and I suspect she has a weak suck. She doesn't have to work that hard to get milk to come out.

Long story short - they suggested letting the foremilk run off because it's probably the cause of gassiness and fussiness, and after the initial flow is over let her drink more of the hindmilk. Nurse her longer on one breast...which I had been trying to do. They said they would follow up with some links -- which they did.

"When a mother has more milk than her baby can handle, the following behaviors may be common:

* Baby cries a lot, and is often very irritable and/or restless
* Baby may sometimes gulp, choke, sputter, or cough during feedings at breast
* Baby may seem to bite or clamp down on the nipple while feeding
* Milk sprays when baby comes off, especially at the beginning of a feeding
* Mother may have sore nipples
* Baby may arch and hold himself very stiffly, sometimes screaming
* Feedings often seem like battles, with baby nursing fitfully on and off
* Feedings may be short, lasting only 5 or 10 minutes total
* Baby may seem to have a "love-hate" relationship with the breast
* Baby may burp or pass gas frequently between feedings, tending to spit up a lot
* Baby may have green, watery or foamy, explosive stools
* Mother's breasts feel very full most of the time
* Mother may have frequent plugged ducts, which can sometimes lead to mastitis (breast infection)"

I went home, she nursed great last night and was in bed by 10.30 and up at 3.30 to eat and ate normally. Then starting this morning she wanted nothing to do with me. She wouldn't latch and when she did -- sort of -- she was bite down with her gums, suck and but wouldn't swallow and then scream. The same was true for both sides. Finally, Tim made a bottle before leaving and she took ... well a long time to drink it. She takes forever to drink these bottles, but as the day progressed she still refuses me.

I did get her to nurse for about 5 minutes on each breast at separate times -- lots of gulping, choking -- and then eventually crying and complete refusal.

My plan has been to offer her the breast every 2-3 hours for 20-30 minutes (time included for soothing her to get her calm enough to start again). And then offer the bottle and pump (not easy when it's just me at home).

She has been able to deal with this fast let down before. Why is she refusing me today? I feel so frustrated and helpless with this whole situation. I need someone to talk to about it on daily basis if I need be.

I was reading the Nursing Mother's Companion which says:

"Some breastfed babies can suffer painful reflux. Symptoms of this problam can include sudden or inconsolable crying, arching during feedings, refusing the breast or bottle, frequent burping or hiccoughing, bad breath, gagging or choking, frequent throat inflammation, poor sleep patterns, slow weight gain, frequent ear infections and less commonly, respiratory problems -- wheezing, labored breathing, asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia and apnea. "

and in collaboration with a suggestion that she might have reflux I found internet research to say:

“Scrawny Screamers,” on the other hand, show symptoms such as irritability, excessive fussiness, swallowing difficulties and poor weight gain. They seem to have painful regurgitation instead of the effortless spitting up that is typical of newborns. Many also exhibit poor feeding and sucking skills. They sometimes have breathing problems as well, stemming from fluids such as milk or acid being sucked into their lungs during reflux episodes. These are the babies that should be tested for GER."

and

What are the worrisome symptoms of gastroesophageal reflux?

In a small number of babies, gastroesophageal reflux may result in symptoms that are concerning. These include problems such as:

* Poor growth due to an inability to hold down enough food
* Irritability or feeding refusal due to pain
* Blood loss from acid burning the esophagus
* Breathing problems

and

There are many different symptoms of GER. Your child may only have a few of these symptoms. The most common symptoms include:

o pain, irritability, constant or sudden crying, "colic"
o frequent spitting-up or vomiting
o vomiting or spitting-up more than one hour after eating
o not outgrowing the spitting-up stage
o refusing food or accepting only a few bites besides being hungry
o poor sleep habits, frequent waking
o "wet burp" or "wet hiccup" sounds
o bad breath

The less common symptoms of pediatric GER include:

o constant eating and drinking (to soothe a sore throat)
o intolerance of certain foods
o poor weight gain; weight loss
o swallowing problems, gagging, choking
o hoarse voice
o frequent red, sore throat
o respiratory problems; pneumonia, bronchitis, wheezing, asthma, nighttime cough, apnea, aspiration, noisy or labored breathing
o ear infections
o constantly running nose; sinus infections
o tooth enamel erosion
o excessive salvation, drooling
o peculiar neck arching, Sandifer's Syndrome


If you think your child may have GER, please contact your child's doctor. It is also very important to let your doctor know if your child develops new symptoms or if the symptoms change.

-----------

Morella does have breathing problems -- she's wheezy a lot of the time, she gets hiccups a lot, she sounds like she has a frog in her throat most of the time, and she has sounded hoarse many a time -- all things I attributed to long bouts of screaming or normal babiness.

Maybe it's a combination of reflux and a forceful letdown. I don't freaking know. I do know I am worried about it being reflux and we have to go through Monday before getting to see the pediatrician about this. That is five more days of this -- what if she continues to refuse the breast? What if I have to keep pumping every 2-3 hours?

I am fully able to admit that I need help right now with this. I need someone to be able to talk to about this. I am ready to give up and quit.

I am remaining calm about this today -- or trying to. I am waiting for Tim to come home so that I can at least take a shower. Except now he just called to say that he's gonna be late.

I just wish I had answers to this. This week will be four weeks -- and so far it isn't getting easier. It's just getting more complicated.

Edited to add:

Tim seems to think I am worrying excessively. Maybe he is right. He says she is just having that kind of day. She is inconsistent. She is have a bottle day. She is gaining weight, is healthy and he just doesn't think that reflux is the case. I am letting this weight gaining thing hang over my head.

Maybe he is right. I can't seem to get perspective on this right now. I need an adopt a Mom or something to help and give the support I need.

I just learned my Great Uncle (Big grandfather in indian way) aka Choka Don passed away today. Apparently he had been in the hospital for the last month -- and I just learned of this today! Of course I am a little upset, I would have visited if I could, or at least sent a card. I really liked him. He was such a fine, upstanding man, a pillar of the ho-chunk community, a very well respected elder. I had a really long talk with him at my Aunt Diana's funeral two years ago and ... well...no words of mine can describe him accurately enough.

My father is devastated. Which is why he didn't talk about it. He likes to pretend things aren't happening and when they do he shuts down and just gets depressed. Choka Don would have told him to get over it and to do what's right. The last five-six years have not been that great for him -- the loss of his Mom, his two sisters and now his last Uncle.

I don't know how we are going to do this funeral. There will be a feast and things will be done traditionally, I am sure -- but will it happen in BRF area or Minneapolis? If it's BRF I can at least try to make the actual funeral -- though I am not sure on the protocol of bringing a baby. I guess we could get a sitter or have Barb watch her...I don't know. I don't know if it's even possible. I just know I wish I could have let him know how much he had meant to me while he was still alive.

Today Morella peed on two people...well three if you include her. This morning was another poopsplosion where I actually, get this folks -- I actually got to CATCH poop as it squirted out of her ... good thing I had a wipe in my hand. When she was finished with all of that she gave herself a rinse cycle.

The second time was a the doctor's office -- apparently the cold air makes a wee one want to wee. She never fails to leave some kind of offering for these medical professionals.

Last night, after feeding the Bit ... all natural! Yeah you read it! She has now latched on several more times successfully on the left side without a shield! Oh my gosh this is great. It's amazing how much of a burden was lifted from me. Now I just need to pump whenever I want to make extra for a bottle. Well she was awake and aware but quiet. I was tired so we all went to bed. She eventually put herself to sleep -- thus allowing all of us to get some sleep.

This morning she was a slow eater and I had an early doctor appointment. I finally had to cut her off and left us only 10 minutes to get ourselves dressed and out the door. In the process, as I get her into the car I realized "I forgot the diaper bag again."

And of course the diaper bag has my purse and my keys and yes...I just locked myself out of the house again. A lucky stroke of fate had my cell phone in my pocket versus my purse and I was able to call Tim and wail. He said to keep the appointment and then drive to his work place to pick up his keys afterward. Obviously that plan worked out well otherwise this post wouldn't be happening.

The doctor appointment went well. She weighed 7 lbs 6.5 oz (though she probably lost some of that in pee?) and measured 21 inches long! I asked if she grew that much and the nurse said probably not -- and suggested that the hospital measurements might be off. I don't know. I like to think she that grew a bit -- maybe that is where those calories are going. So she is long and lean -- but still only 15% weight. I have to make another appointment with her if the Monday lactation appointment seems to think that she is gaining slowly. Personally, I think now that she can eat from both sides of the dinner table -- that she will start gaining more weight. Plus she is awake more, she follows more of a typical newborn eating schedule, and she knows what she is doing now. Here's hoping.

Our no nonsense "babies are fussy because they have opinions" peditrician also showed me how to unclog Morella's right tear duct. I thought that would clear up on it's own...I guess not. She has to have that done 3 times a day (easy though) and we need to put vaseline on her face to protect her skin from the backed up tears. Ugh. Who likes to have vasaline smeared on their face? I don't. Good thing Morella is a baby and doesn't know any better.

Man, I could use a nap. I didn't get to do my usual sleep in. This living room needs me a pick me up too though...but my back hurts and like I said I am tired. I am going to see is she is awake and wants to eat ... or if I could sneak her into a nap.

Oh and at the doctors' office the Dr. said "She is awake and alert now and it looks like she is hungry." Meaning, she wanted me to feed her right there. I hemmed and hawed -- how can one do this without a bunch of pillows?! But eventually relented because I didn't want to look like a bad Mom. So I did my first feeding in public (ha ha -- okay a closed office) -- but hey I did it without pillows. She said that the latch was great and that we were both doing good. Maybe she just wanted to see proof of breastfeeding? I mean, she also suggested last time we were there to feed her before heading out. We declined at that time because we were both too tired and wanted to get home and nursing with a nipple shield is a huge pain.

Of course as I sat there hunched over the baby she suggested that I "relax and enjoy it." I said this was already a hundred more times relaxed than it has been. I am no where near that blase, serene woman holding a child with one hand and surfing the internet, making dinner or woodworking with the other. I need both hands!

Today has been (so far) great. It took her awhile to go to bed last night, but she finally did at 1:00. Got up at 5.30 to eat, and then 9 and 10. I had to stop feeding her before 11 so that that she would be good and hungry in time for the lactation appointment. She slept most of the time. She has been such a different baby than yesterday. Today she is mellow, sleepy and sweet.

The lactation appointment went great! Well, she only gained 6 ounces (should have had a weight gain of 9 oz), but more importantly we got her to latch AND nurse from the left breast for a good long time. Long enough to get 1.4 oz out of it. The right side produced 1.9 oz. And of course, she didn't fail in producing another -- "climbing up her back, and spilling over" poops. It amazes that she has done this every single time we are at the office. I have only seen her do this once at home, and every single time we have been to the doctor she poops -- this last one was a good 2 oz.

Anyway. The LC seemed to think the appointment was a outstanding success and that Morella is really coming along and figuring it out. I have to try and latch her with a smaller sandwich...and wait...my let down is much slower on the left side than the right side -- which babies live for. I just hope that I can repeat the success on my own. She said to stop using the shields. But ... .will I be able to get her to latch by myself? Oh wouldn't that be nice? No more worrying about pumping and figuring out if I should or shouldn't. Plus, she seems to eat faster when it's just at the breast than with a bottle. But those bottles are invaluable when it comes to fussy time, for when I need a break and for baby sitters.

The LC didn't seem to think it was a dairy problem but just normal baby gassiness due to an immature digestive system. She suggested longer nursing sessions to get more of that hindmilk. At least 15 minutes....and she said that might help with the gassiness. I am still looking forward to getting gripe water in the mail though. So far it hasn't arrived.

I have a belated 3 week check up tomorrow anyway, I'll see what the pediatrician has to say. After that, I don't have to see another doctor until the 2 month check up ( except for my six week postpartum which I have scheduled yet still). Well, except for another lactation appointment next Monday.

Anyway. Morella was/is awesome so far today! I wish every day could be like this. I celebrated by going to McDonald's and picking Tim up from his work early. Ahh.

But with all this sleeping, I have a feeling she'll be up later tonight for a long time. :(

So...I think my first outing with Bacon Bit was a success! I didn't forget anything, she was bundled, I didn't crash the car or get stuck, and I actually felt pretty confident about getting out. But how will it be tomorrow with a early morning appointment of 9.30? Having all morning to plan for a 2:00 outing is much easier than a morning one I think. Well her diaper bag is all packed. That should help.

I SHOULD be napping in an anticipation of a long night and early morning -- as in I won't be able to catch up on my sleep in the morning. I don't feel guilty about that at all! It's my reward for the late night duty.

Our neighbor's are really helping us out by snowblowing the side walk and some of the driveway. Every year I usually make them a cookie tray -- but since I don't think I'll be doing that this year I need to think of another way to say thanks. That is super nice of them.

Sigh.

Carla you are right the Mylicon didn't work. In fact it seemed to make her feel even worse. I tried three times and was rewarded with an inconsolable baby for a long time afterward. Another person had suggested that it might be a dairy allergy and really that thought overwhelms and depresses me. I had thought I was okay with the lactose free stuff -- but apparently it's the proteins in dairy that is the problem.

Great, so I have colicy milk right now? They say that it can 10 days for you to notice a difference. So eliminating diary for 10 days...but you know looking at the literature I should also be avoiding: dairy (butter, cheese, all kind of milk, nougat), chocolate, caffeine, citrus, onions, beans.

I mean, what am I supposed to eat then? I don't know! How can I do this? I don't know. :( I hope that that gripe water gets here by tomorrow. I had read lots of people say that mylicon didn't work but that gripe water did. I mean, millions of Europeans can't be wrong can they? A part of me almost wishes that it was just colic and not some dairy allergy .... though another part of me says that I can do something about the diary allergy to make her feel better. But who can say? I wish there was some test I could do to simply see whether or not that is the problem.

Of course, everything also says that it will get better in 3-4 months. Yeah, that what is what EVERYTHING says. That is not very heartening to hear here at two and half weeks. That I have two and half months more of crying, unhappy, baby. I just feel so bad for her when there is nothing that seems to make her happy.

At least she is taking a nap now. The only way I could get her to sleep was to nurse her -- even with the nipple shield! And that took several attempts and at least two hours. She was up from 9-2 ish at this. And this was how she was last night too.

Starting week two on my own with the Bit.

One word can describe everything -- GAS.

Morella has terrible gas that just won't let up. We constantly burp, pat her back, have tummy time, paddlewheel her check, bicycle her legs, bounce her up and down to the point that she is getting more of a work out than Tim or I! Still, there is rumbling storm in her belly. Rolling across the small plane of her tummy - back and forth. I feel terrible for her. It makes her fussy and cranky.

In a measure of desperation last night, I decided to try some gripe water, specifically Colic Calm -- though I don't know where to get it so I just ordered it online. It was shipped to me today -- so I hope to get it by tomorrow. I am also very tempted to go out and buy some Mylicon which is an OTC gas medicine. My only concern with that Morella seems to have more intenstinal gas than stomach gas (which is what the Mylicon would address). Though I could be wrong and maybe it would help her.

I wish, in addition to a fuel gauge on this baby, that there was a pressure valve that I could push to relieve the gas for her. She seems to be such a mellow baby when her stomach isn't distended in gas pain. :(

In the breastfeeding arena -- my right nipple is now very very sore and I am counting on this Lansinoh to help. She still won't nurse from the left breast without the shield and when she does nurse with it -- it's sloppy and she's rather unenthusiastic about it. It's like she sort of just lets the milk flow into her mouth and she'll swallow when it's conveniently full. There also seem to be two times during the day that she cluster feeds -- in the late morning and the evening. Or it could be this gas issue....see. Anyway. It's so hard to figure out when to pump because she CAN drink from the right breast -- and I was told to pump because nipple shields prevent full stimulation. Well if she is nursing exclusively from the right breast without the shield -- do I need to pump it? Sigh. I decided to just pump the ignored breast and give her that bottle during the times that we need it.

I am eager to know 1. how much milk she gets from the right breast during a feeding. I can find this out on Wednesday at the lactation appointment if Morella cooperates and feeds during then. And 2. I really want to know/hope that she gained SOME weight in the last week and half. She seems to be filling out a little. She falls asleep after she nurses from a breast full of milk. There are plenty of wet diapers....

So today, after she was up for four hours and fussy and I had finally resorted to the pumped bottle from this morning -- I put her in the swing and that calmed her. She swung for a good 40 minutes while I finally went to the bathroom, ate some lunch and made a delayed 2 week appointment for her. I didn't know I was supposed to make one -- the doctor didn't say I needed to at the 1 week appointment.

Anyway. It's a quick check set for Thursday morning. Then after that she has two month appointment set for the end of January.

So this weekend was okay. I was so glad to have Tim home to help. He has such a calming presence for me and the Bit. We had a few visitors on Saturday -- Oliver who came with home made pumpkin bread (which is now almost gone and was very awesome). After that Tim's parent's came to baby sit while we went out to a movie. We saw the Golden Compass (Tim described the movie as rushed) -- and I would agree. Then stopped at Petsmart for some cat litter and then Panera for a bite to eat. We were back by 7 the MIL said she could have gone on for more.

She wanted the Bit to be fussy!!!! Gah. Of course she is always super fussy afterward. Or maybe not... maybe it just seems like it. It's that stupid gas again.

Yesterday was a Sunday. We stayed around the house. Napped. I walked the dog, stopped to say hi and visit with Little Girl and her Mom, made dinner. Morella sleep really well all evening, we gave her a bath because Tim declared her stinky -- and while he went to bed at 11 -- Morella didn't go to bed until 1:45 AM. Ugh. Up at 5.30 for 1st breastfast, and then again at 8-12.

I am rambling now. But today I got a headache and started to get tired. I took her out of the swing after the pumping and eating and we went to lay down for an hour. I got up at 2 -- fed her and took some tylenol and now here I am yapping to the internet.

I am also watching some Star Trek show -- it's a double banger -- with the woman as the Captain...what Star Trek is that again? Hm.

Two weeks old today!

Here are a few photos:

(Taken this morning after second breakfast)

More can be found in the gallery under Bacon Bit - Month 1.

Yesterday was a good day. Morella ate every 3 hours-4 hours, all the day time feedings were with bare right breast and nipple shield left (I really wish she would learn to latch there) until the witching hour commenced. It seems to start earlier and earlier...it started last night around 8:00 and goes on until 12ish.

Well we needed to go grocery shopping and pick up some OTC medicine from Walgreen's. I discovered, much to my discomfort yesterday, that I was given an antibiotic when Henu's placenta was removed. I don't know about you, but whenever I take an antibiotic, I also get a free yeast infection. :P Anyway. I wasn't looking forward to shopping and getting dressed -- one gets quite used to wearing pajama's much of the time and never leaving the house. Tim suggested instead that I take Pluto on his walk. Huh. I hadn't thought of that, but for some reason it seemed more doable than shopping.

So I walked Pluto. Exercise is supposed to help with the blues so off I went. It was scary how it took most of the walk for me to get over feeling anxious. Anxious about burdeoning Tim with the baby but only because of my rsponsiblity to feed her (even though we have bottles and I was working on teaching he to use it again). Anyway. I had told Tim earlier in the day that I hated feeding her. I dread it. I fills me with anxiety and I find myself finding ways to put it off. I don't put it off though. I do it. But this great bonding experience is not here for me.

Sigh. Sometimes I think she gets enough but then there are times like last night -- she drank the bottle -- two full bottles (total 4 oz) even WITH breastfeeding later on. I mean, maybe the lactation person is right and I am just not giving her enough. I do notice though that when I pump I seem to be pumping less, I thought maybe that was a sign that we taking more -- but maybe it's a sign that I am starting to decrease? I don't know. I am back on the full pumping schedule though.

Anxiety. One should not feel anxious about feeding their baby right? Not feel that cold dread of "oh fuck here we go again." I wish she would latch on to the left breast ...I wish I wasn't so whiny about it. I think about Sarah's Mom's comment and wonder about how nice it would have been for our mother's generation to not have to worry about this. Though I am sure there is probably a myriad of other problems that were experienced. No one ever said having a kid is easy.

I also feel like I don't want to talk about it TOO much before people start thinking I have post partum depression. I don't really. I mean I feel fine most of the time. I can even handle five hours of fussiness as long as I know she is getting fed (which is how it was last night).

I feel bad that I haven't connected with Jen yet...she called again (thanks jen I appreciate the attempts) but Morella was a pill.

It all started this morning. I thought I would beat the leaking an get in a free pumping session by pumping in the middle of night and just take the advice to let Morella sleep the night through. I got up at 4 -- pumped for only 8 minutes and was happily walking back to bed, quite pleased with myself when guess who was awake and hungry?

Gah. I know that another friend of mine said that I keep making milk. But I don't make it fast enough to appease Morella yet -- especially with her weak suck. We need that letdown for the breastfeeding session to work. So I gave her a bottle. She sucked it down and went right back to sleep. IT was awesome.

I got up this morning and she fed fine. Then at 12.30 I fed her and started .... an hour an half later I had been feeding her off and on, she was fussy and still acting like she was starving. At what point is enough enough? I decided that going past an hour and 20 minutes of solid breast feeding attempts was enough. So I made her a bottle. She drank the first one rather quickly, and then wanted more (completely heart breaking! I wasn't giving her enough?!) I made another ounce with freshly pumped milke (after trying to offer the breast again) and discovered after another hour or so that she was mostly sucking for comfort and not much was getting drunk at all.

Time to reintroduce the pacifier I say. I guess it was a good thing Jen called at that point. Sh said her second son comfort sucked. Maybe that is what she needed. I tried the pacifer...nothing. Hm. Later on, I was carrying baby and walking through her room when I saw the Native Carrier that Zoey had sent to me. It's a size medium which is just barely almost too small for me and Tim and if Bacon Bit grows a lot more it's out. Thank goodness for the Maya wrap that Jen sent my way. They are like the exact same thing...anyway. I changed her diaper for the 4th time today ( all heavy wet diapers) and slipped her in, added the pacifier and BAM! Quiet baby. And I have my arms free to wander around and do stuff.

Right now I am sitting in the rocking chair. It's nice .... But how long will this latest trick last? Hm.

Hm what else.

Oh night sweats. Man, they are brutal. I have been having them at least two times a night for the past week. I wake up drenched in sweat. I have to sit up or walk around a little to cool off. I even contemplated changing my jammies...but am usually too tired to do so. Hilary said that her night sweats with her first kid lasted a month.

Yikes. I hope that doesn't last a month.

My brother called me this morning to ask how things were. He asked about the Mom comment regarding baby not enough to eat and how I asked her to not talk about it anymore...and had to repeat that request when I called again yesterday to my stepdad. I had called to see if Mom wanted to be on the phone while I opened the package she had sent me. Instead right away I got the third degree about baby not eating and finally I started to cry again and say "I don't want to talk about it."

He immediately told my Mom to not ask about the baby. :P

Oy. So brother Shane was calling to see how things were because you know I bet Mom and Frank just couldn't shut up about how I am slowly starving Bacon Bit. I told him it was better and that I wasn't mad at Mom, and all that jazz -- I just didn't need their negativity about this situation.

Listen to me ramble. I haven't really had the desire to write in my journals lately. I mean, this journal -- I have. Only because I can type faster than I hand write and it seems easier to get on and do this. I apologize if it's become boring or tedious -- but hey wasn't it always like that?

I think I should take a shower, but Morella will be waking up soon wanting to exercise patience and frustration with me in another breastfeeding attempt.

I keep telling myself to make it to six weeks....make it to six weeks....you can do it. And "Next year at this time we won't even be thinking about this. We'll be decorating the house, making cookies, shopping and being all around excited for Christmas with a one year old."

I did manage to finally order the newborn photo that the hospital takes of Morella. I am going to be sending those to close friends and family though - you know it's the photo that we have all seen of our parents or of us when we were babies. I sort of like that tradition. :)

As for xmas cards...I really wanted to order some prints of Morella...maybe what I should do is whip up a document with some photos of her in it and just take it to Kinko's for photocopying. I don't know. Why do I think I have the time and energy to do that when I can't barely brush my hair and put in my contacts?

Lastly, Morella is already such a different baby than last week. Not as sleepy. She has more awake time and is focusing on objects. I swear I heard laughter from her the other day -- Tim said I was imagining it. Tonight we are going to attempt her first bath. Her eyes are still blue and I love it when she is calm and looking around just exploring things. I DO stare at her for long periods of time -- why not?

It still hasn't really hit me that I am this girl's Mom.

Tim has also been terrific and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I have renewed respect and admiration for all those single mom's out there. I salute you.

What? You read this whole thing? For that I give you a pat on the back.

Hey Kellie, how long did you have these blues for? I am just wondering how long everyone has them.

They came out of the blue and seem to come around evening time. I am trying to do everything I can to combat them. Today was much better but I won't lie when I say I got them again this afternoon. I get so emotional about everything. I guess it didn't help that my Mom called after my afternoon nap (see, trying to sleep in the day when baby sleeps to gear up for the night time) and she was a total downer. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was having difficulty getting the baby to eat. She immediately said "What if she isn't getting enough? YOu should go to a doctor - she might need IV."

Thanks a lot Mom! I started crying and told her that was NOT what I needed to hear. She said she was sorry but she was just thinking and then continued to paint more worst case scenarios! Finally I changed the subject abruptly after telling her that Morella is getting enough wet diapers and even had a good poopy one today. See? I ended up reassuring her before listening to her litany of complaints and various medicines she is on and their side effects and all her doctor's appointments.

After that was done I thought "What if Morella feels that way about me one day? What if she feels that way about me now?" Oy. I hope not.

Anyway. I guess it has been an okay enough day. Our first day at home without Daddy around to help. It was rather lonely not having him around -- but I guess I'll have to get used to it again. Morella breastfed exclusively without the shield on the right breast, but I still can't latch her on the left breast. I am constantly afraid that she'll not get it each time we try. Talk about trust issues. The first one this morning was for 13 minutes followed by lazy sucking with the shield on the left breast for about 30 minutes. The next time Morella nursed for a good 30 minutes! That's awesome! But she wasn't that interested in the left breast and was fussy. She was fussy for a long time come to think of it.

Anyway. Dinner is done. I made squash tonight because all I had to do was cut and gut it. I am not eating that great. Where is this stupid appetite I am supposed to have? find that I actually have a worse appetite than I did while pregnant. I have very little interest in food. Maybe it's from the stress of adjusting. Or maybe we need more healthy snacky food around. We do need to go to the grocery store but with this weather I am not interested in driving there myself with the Bit to shop. For one, I just don't know if I am up to it. Physically I am feeling much better today -- I tend to feel better on the days when I am not as active. Each day is getting better in that regard.

There was something else I wanted to say. Oh yeah, there are hardly any pictures of me with the Bit so far! I'll have to remedy that. I also want to print some out to send my Mom so she knows what she looks like. I just haven't gotten around to the computer.

I am beginning to think my grand plans of a family holiday portrait aren't gonna happen. :( It mean it's already the 4th and I still don't feel ready to leave the house. Maybe I should just stage something at home with our camera and Tim.

--Thanks Sarah. It was a blow out that was had climbed up and out of her diaper! She saves those massive poops for the lactation consultant. How long was a typical sucking breastfeeding session with Ruth in the beginning?

--Zoey, we are with you on the benefits of breastmilk versus formula. Morella hasn't had formula in over a week now. In part in because she won't drink from a bottle anyway. But mostly we want the cheap factor, the immunity, the easier to digest, less spit ups, less diarrhea/constipation factor. I think my biggest worry with her is that she doesn't want to eat all the time. She seems to be working on a 4 hour time schedule which stresses me out with this stupid 2-3 hour bullshit. But when she does eat she'll go at it for an hour. Sigh. I still have to pump though to help prevent a decreased milk supply because of the nipple shield usage. It is tiresome.

-Jess, thanks for the colic advice. I don't think it's colic (that seems like something I don't want to admit too -- especially since the books seem to indicate that there is a fussy time that babies have). I DO sing to her -- I just hope that she manages not to learn my tone deafness. :P Sigh. And thanks, you are right ... this takes time to learn. One day at a time, right?

That said the baby awakens, dinner has been done for 20 minutes and I am still not interested in eating it. Now the baby is going to want something to eat and the dinner gets cold and I am sure I won't want to have anything to do with it later.

Thanks for the encouraging thoughts ladies.

The appointment with the lactation consultant was tiring yet again. I made the mistake of not taking tylenol before going to stave off the mild headache I had acquired so of course that wasn't awesome. :P Anyway.

--I got lectured for reducing my pumping. :( She said I need to do it at least 4-5 times a day. Well, I guess it's a good thing I found the box of freezer milk bags that I think Jen passed onto me. I'll have a ton of frozen milk for the day that Morella decides she'll take a bottle again.

-We got a new bottle to try out called the Haberman. Yeah, I guess we'll see if it works tonight. It's nice to at least have one more option since she won't take any other bottle or do finger feeding. I'll let you know if it works. The bottle was originally made for cleft palate children or those who experience sucking issues. She also said that women who go back to work after breastfeeding for 12 weeks needed help transitioning back to bottle.

-The biggest and most momentous breakthrough -- was that she latched on without the nipple shield on both for a few seconds - minute. Hurray! She was also super fussy and wouldn't eat well, wouldn't eat with the shield and of course made it look like all the work we had done was for nothing. :( We think it was because she was constipated and really needed to poop since it had been over 24 hours since the last poopy diaper. The consultant said that is normal for breastfed babies to go for awhile without a poopy diaper though and books be burned!

Morella wasn't going to let us down though, because halfway though the appointment the dams broke loose. I watched in horror as yellow seedy poop started to drip down the nice lady's blue sweater and swooped in to catch it with a nursing pad I was holding. She blew through that diaper and two more .... and of course lost the whole ounce on weight that we had fed her.

After that she ate better.

-So we went home, I took some tyenol, drank some gatoraide and snuggled on the couch with the Bit for a couple hours. I think the horomones might be wearing off. That would make sense considering I had a massive case of the baby blues yesterday. There was a stretch where I cried for 2 hours straight. I have been doing stupid things...like forgetting the diaper bag to the appointment, leaving out frozen lasagna in the basement to unfreeze and mold, and dumping a whole beverage into the couch to name a few. We also lost of the bottles...I have no idea where it went! Anyway. Tim talked me down and ordered some food and eventually I felt better.

I hate baby blues.

Tim wants to do something so I am going to hold baby. Incidentally she latched on to the boob and sucked nice and strong and swallowed for 10 minutes before falling asleep again. :( I guess we'll see how the night goes. I wish she would eat longer and drink more than an the one ounce I think she is getting at a time. Anyway, it was cool that did it once! Hopefully this is the start of something good and she won't back slip TOO much.

This baby has a good and a bad side. The good side is in the morning and throughout most of the day, but come 10 - 2 ... she's crying, she eats horribly. So figuring she's super hungry because she keeps showing signs of hunger I'll try to finger feed or bottle feed her breastmilk and NOTHING. She won't have anything to do with the bottle, the finger, or the breast without the nipple shield. It's so hard to work with the nipple shield though because she'll break off breast feeding to cough, cry or need to be burped...or for whatever reason and after that first contact is broken the shield won't stick to my breast. After this happens several times -- the nipple shield is practically worthless, the baby is inconsolable and I am frustrated and before you know it an hour has passed and I really need a break. If only to wash the effin' shields.

Putting lanonlin cream on the inside of them works only once, after it gets wet with milk they are even more worthless than when I just use water.

There was a tiny breakthrough, at the 4 feeding. I finally got her to sleep at 1 and slept for three hours only to wake on the couch cold because I soaked through my pajama. So I got up, took off my shirt and was slightly disgusted at the wet sourish smelling bra I was wearing -- but unable to do anything about it yet. I really need more than just three pajama tops for nursing. I go through a shirt or two a day! I heard that you can cut up old t-shirts ... and I am thinking of cutting old turtle necks because it is cold and hey -- I'm not going anywhere... Anyway. I went back. Woke a sleepy baby and proceeded to fight with her. After about 40 minutes and the shield slipped off for the 10th time -- I gave her my naked breast and .... she sucked for about 1-2 minutes before catching on, rejecting it and crying some more.

It's during those times ... that witching hour ... that I don't know how I can do it. How can she do it? I get so worried that she isn't getting enough milk. I mean, I cut down my pumping to twice a day even though I am supposed to do it after every feeding to help get the nipples out and stop being so flat, and when I do I consistently get 3 oz of milk. How can I pump this much milk after she has already nursed at least 20 minutes on each boob?! Maybe she isn't getting enough. Maybe she keeps showing signs of hunger because she IS hungry and I am just a total failure. :(

Why can't babies come with fuel gages?

Tim is doing his best to reassure me. "She isn't Jesus, Laura! How can she keep filling diapers with poop and pee if she isn't getting anything?"

But is she having ENOUGH diapers? I don't know. They say that she should have between 8-10 or 6-7 if you are using disposable. Yesterday she had 7. So I guess, technically yes, she has magically been making diapers.

Then why does she looks so unhappy and worried and frustrated most of the time when she is on the breast?

How did women in the olden days do this? I mean, what if I had Morella two or three hundred years ago, before nipple shields, pumping and bottles...would she have died from starvation?

I keep trying to ask myself -- how long am I willing to do this? And, wouldn't taking a bottle be so much easier? Maybe I could just pump.... but I also hear that the pumping can decrease over time so who knows if that would actually work. Do I want to risk that she'll get sicker more often and be more fussy with formula even though it's easier but also much much more expensive?

Maybe I should think it in the perspective of savings. I should figure out much formula costs and then each day that we successfully finish the day without using it (now day 5) I can add up the savings and pretend that Morella and I will use that dough for some really good treat. I could sure use a massage because my back is killing me with all this consoling and nursing.

I wish I was at that stage of nursing when I could just whip out a boob and feed her anywhere without a pile of pillows, water, shields, and a husband to help burp her -- because I also apparently suck at that.

Have you heard enough about this yet? It's not like there is anything else on my mind right now.

I have another appointment with the lactation consultant tomorrow at 1. Morella can't eat after 9.30 .... I want to make sure she is good and hungry and I am full of milk so I can really see if she getting enough milk at each feeding. You see, what they do is weigh her when we get in, and then weight her after feeding attempts to see how many ounces she is getting. Trust me, this is nerve wracking and Morella was a completely uncooperative sleepy baby last time.

I hear the baby stirring, I should probably hang up my whine rag and see if there is anything I can do for her.