Why does going to the doctor always bum me out? I had such hopes for Morella gaining a ton of weight only to find out ... she didn't gain all that much -- again. :(

Her last appointment sixteen days ago she was 9 lb 5 oz. We were both so sure she was in the 10 pound range and possibly even venturing into the 11...not so.

Today at 9 Weeks and 5 Days she was:

9lb 13 oz weight (18% percentile)
23.25" length (79%)
38.6 head (38%)

So she is gaining about a 1/2 ounce a day. The doctor said that this is just her weight pattern, and that she is consistently growing, and she is just long and lean and it will take a while to fill out. I guess. Maybe if I weren't surrounded by such overachieving babies I wouldn't feel so bad. You know this whole percentile thing makes it seem like a competition.

Well at least the length would explain why she is fitting the 0-3 stuff accordingly. It's true that because her toes start getting scrunched that we move her up in clothes -- width wise she still swims in them. Or looks like a baby gansta.

I asked about setting up the appointment to repeat the suck/swallow barium study and she was like "In three months from the start time."

What? The speech pathologist herself said twice that we could move that up, and the doctor herself only two weeks ago suggested the end of February/March -- it sort of pisses me off that she forgets these things. For the record, I did ask when I left if they hired a new pediatrician yet, and they did -- she start in March. I might try her out... Anyway. She looked into it and saw that there was an open referral and gave me the name and number of the lady to call to set it up. She said she wanted to wait until the 3 months because from a clinical standpoint -- her case isn't severe as in she hasn't been hospitalized or gotten sick, so she might as well wait the full time. From OUR standpoint -- this thickening is bullshit and we would still like to try to breastfeed before it's really too late. Although I realize that really might not be possible because Morella won't want too. Whatever. I can try. And you know, this simply thick is expensive and making our own is a huge time consumer and I already spend enough time pumping and making these bottles. So. I'll stop there.

She had her shots today. Poor girl. I have never seen such terror and pain in my poor girl's eyes. In addition to the three shots, I let her have the rotovirus immunization because we don't live in a bubble and the doctor said last year she had to admit a kid a week to the hospital because of it.

Her next appointment is in two months. That seems like such a long time away from now.

Maybe she would gain more weight if she didn't have to work so hard for it. I mean, that thickening agent adds 4-5 ounces a day that she consumes that has NO calories. There is only so much room in that belly. I think that would be reason enough right there to repeat this study and get her off honey consistency milk.

I guess. She is gaining. She is healthy and alive, and alert and growing. Oh yeah that was the other thing. We noticed that she is turning her head to the left a lot -- Tim thought it might be an ear infection. Turns out this is quite common in babies and it's because she getting a flat spot on that side of the head (easier for them to position it and fall asleep). You can see it if you look down at them from the top. Anyway. It's a mild case and we should just make sure that she gets time facing the other way (like when she is sleeping on her tummy, to turn it or change arms in feeding...)

*sigh*

Normally I like to reserve the cradle swing for emergency use only. For times when I need to pump and she needs to be put someplace that she won't be unhappy. Though there are certainly times when she doesn't want the swing, like last night. I could only do a 10 minute pumping session because she hollered the whole time.

She hasn't been herself these past two days. She's crying or fussing most of the time and when she isn't in motion she'll often escalate her crying to the full "wah, wah, wah...gulp, gulp....pause.....WAH!" You know the full fledge crying that makes your instinct jump into high gear to try and make it stop. This is they cry that they talk about makes you feel uncomfortable -- and it's this cry that I try to avoid. Since 8:00 am this morning she was up all the way until 3:00 with only two 25 minute cat naps, in which I was able to pump. But as soon as I was done, she was ready to go. I finally put her in the swing because my back could take no more and I was just tired. She's hasn't slept very well in the last two hours she has been in it -- she's mostly dozing and occasionally cries a little before going back to dozing. A perpetual scowl is plastered on her face and her face is often screwing into a cry when she does open her eyes. The way I see it, she's going to be unhappy today and the best I can do is make it so that she's not as unhappy as she could be if she lets herself work up to it. Meaning, I am going to leave her in the swing until she cries for more than two minutes or Tim gets home. But my thought is that he will go with my plan.

I would like to take a shower when gets home. My hair feels greasy. Forget feel, it IS greasy.

I feel cold. I am on the couch with a warm laptop on my lap, covered in a fleece blanket and my nose is a bit nippy. It's no wonder considering how the wind blows outside. I wouldn't want to be out there today. Earlier I had chanced to look out the window and saw a flock of birds speed by -- I have never seen birds move that fast. It sounds like a jet outside, thundering down the street. I keep checking to make sure our garbage can hasn't blown over -- thank goodness it's heavy. I am sure that Tim will take care .. oh speak of the devil! He's pushing it in right now!

Morella - 9 Weeks Old

These FANTASTIC shots of Morella, that I feel really capture how she looks to me most of the time were done by Jason Samsa -- who incidentally is getting started in the photography business and ... well is open for business. He does all kinds of photography for what you need -- weddings, family portraits, babies, etc. These two are utterly amazing. I am so happy that he took them. :D

I had a pretty good weekend. On Saturday I met up with Hilary, the girls and Cullen at Escape Coffee but we didn't stay long. The had rearranged the kid room again to include even MORE furniture so it wasn't that comfortable of a place to be. There wasn't much room for the kids to play. Then Cullen and Morella both decided that they had to be awake for this coffee date and were up. Eventually that leads to fussiness and we decided to just go over to Hilary's where the kids could scream or cry as much as they wanted. That is when these great shots were taken. I am going to get myself some prints of them and frame them.

Morella went to bed at 10 last night and was asleep by 10.30. This morning she got up at 4.30 ate, and then went back to sleep until 8 when she was up for two hours before taking a snooze, and then has been up pretty much since then with a few cat naps in between. Tim's parent's came to visit again and watched her while we went out and had some quality couple's time. We walked the dog, then ate dinner at Outback (because Red Lobster was ridiculously busy) and finished it off with ice skating at Tenny Park.

I had saved them the "opportunity" to give Morella a bath today but warned them that she now HATES, with a vengeance, coming out of the bath. The bath itself she loves and would probably stay in there until she turns into a raisin, but coming out -- oh watch out! She screams real fury and turns on the waterworks. I tell you, when babies start to shed real tears it adds a whole new dimension to their crying. I have a feeling that they thought we were exaggerating this a bit -- but later on we heard that she has a "temper." Ha ha, I'll say. I hate getting wet and Morella hates getting dry. What a combo.

They later said that she had barfed -- but I think it's because she has eaten a lot already today combined with swallowing a lot of air from her post bath fit. To date she has been really good about not throwing up at all! Yesterday, she had a record 27 ounces! Consistently she has been eating only 22-23 ounces a day. I think she will finish this bottle for bedtime, and then it's 27 ounces again + throwing up...so I guess a little less. She was also, like I said, awake a lot today. I guess she is growing. On Wednesday we will see exactly how much!

You know one thing I was NOT expecting about becoming a parent? How much my back would hurt. There are days where my back is on a constant knot and I desperately look for opportunities to just lay on the ground and try to reset it. I wonder if I'll toughen up and get stronger and get used to it. On the other hand, Morella is going to be growing and getting heavier and keeping up with me. I suppose it might get easier once she is able to hold her head and I can carry her on my hip or in the front carrier more.

Things are swimming along well. Morella has gotten better -- we think -- and now that we have a handle on her reflux, I would call her a good baby! But then again, aren't all babies good? Perhaps I can say that because yesterday was a good day. She slept though the night, got up with Daddy in the morning, and then I took her out for coffee and a visit to Hilary's from 12-4. That whole time she awake and chatty and talkative. Then when she came home she yakked it up for another hour. It's amazing how good of mood she can be in for so long.

Then she went to sleep around 5 and slept to 7 when she got up to take her medicine and eat and by 7.30 she was back asleep until 9.15, and then up for an hour before going to bed and then she slept through the night -- well, almost. She woke up at 4.30 because she was hungry but after she ate she went right back to sleep until 7.45. There, how exciting was that to read a timetable like that? Ha ha ha.

Alright. After I fed her this morning I went back to sleep until 6.40 -- and hello engorgement. I went and pumped, they were like giant, hard boulders. I pumped a record 12 ounces -- and could have probably done an extra ounce if I had stayed hooked up longer than 30 minutes. But I was tired, and needed to go to bed. But 12 ounces! I filled the bottles I had.

I keep waking up with a head hurt. Not quite a headache, though it could be that. Maybe I am grinding my teeth again? Hm. My jaw doesn't hurt. I feels like I am extremely thirsty. We have the humidifier in the room on all night, and I make sure to drink lots of water at night and after I get up to pump so I don't know, maybe I am still dehydrated? Or maybe it's all the broken up sleep.

I am one year older! Huh. It feels remarkably similar to how I felt yesterday. No, just kidding. Yesterday I was all meloncholy about my birthday -- it just sort of touches me in a bittersweet way when people try to show how much they love or value me in their lives. I end up feeling like I want to make THEM happy instead. So with that in mind, I am posting some pictures today!

Who doesn't love pictures?

These first two pictures of pictures of pictures because my scanner is so old and murky and ... uh in the basement. The first one is me at my 1st birthday with my two older brothers Shane (left) and Doug (Right)
Here I am at around 2 -- wearing the only bikini I will ever wear in my life time.


My friend Courtney crocheted Morella a hat and now she can finally wear it! She actually had made two, the first one I have a picture of somewhere...but her noggin has now outgrown it.



Look at this crazy hair!!!!
And my old college friend Chuck dropped a surprise visit on us last Friday (which was super nice!) -- here is he pre-baby inspection. He later said she passed.

Sarah had asked me on Saturday, if I ever felt that breastfeeding hunger. I had said no, not really, but I think now I was mistaken. I do experience it, though not every day. It seems to strike me most at lunch time. For example, today a lasagna sandwich wasn't enough. Well maybe it was enough for MY lunch, but Morella needed the leftover biscuits and gravy. I also had a clementine and .. uh two large glasses of water. I guess I could have eaten some carrot sticks...but blah to that.

Yesterday Tim and I went ice skating which was great! I hadn't forgotten to much from last time and the hot coco was just as delicious as I remember. We eventually stopped not only because it was time to go but because I fell. I am now sporting an impressive bruise on my left hip. :P Man that ice is much harder than it was last year. After that we came home so I could pump, and then headed out to see Cloverfield, which was pretty good. Why do they call it Cloverfield though?

After that we headed back downtown to attend Customer Appreciation day at the Essen Haus only to discover they were closing it down because no one had shown up! It was advertised as going from 6-10 -- and we had gotten there at 8. What a rip. We went home and some lasagna and watched the rest of the Packer game. All of this was made possible by Tim's parents watching Morella. :D It's good to get out and spend some alone time with the husband doing things.

Doing things is what I like to do ... YES! I'm slightly more productive now than previously before. I'm slightly more efficient than ....

Yeah I can't get that song out of my head. It's been there for days, and it the sad thing is that we don't HAVE a Dunkin Donuts in Madison. It's totally sad because if there was, you bet your pajamas that I would be there at least once a week. They have the best coffee ever. It's our treat whenever we come home from visiting Eric and Kate in Chicago -- to get two large coffees with cream and sugar, and our selection of two donuts. Ahh....there were some great things about living in Chicago. I can't believe it's already been 4 1/2 years. For that first year we were back in Madison I really missed Chicago. I thought about it constantly -- but then I made new friends and got used to living in this city. Sure we had lived here before, but that was a different city for us. That Madison was all about downtown and student life. I knew nothing about what it was like to live in Madison as a tax paying resident.

Speaking of taxes, I hope the rest of the tax stuff comes in soon -- Mama needs a new couch!

I was going to say something else. Oh yes, guess who slept through another night in a row? Yes! and for a week now my bedtime routine is getting her to go bed. Last night when I put her down she made a little squeak and turned her head dramatically to the side -- and was asleep! It was so adorable. I keep reliving it in my head. She also ate an astonishing 26 ounces yesterday. She has been consistently around 22 ounces for the whole week and then all of a sudden 26?! Dang. She is also on her second sleepy day. Maybe she is growing.

It's snowing again outside. I don't know how it can snow and be so cold. Tim got up this morning, got ready for work and headed out for the bus. About 30 minutes later I got a call, but I let the answering machine get it. It was Tim asking me to check the bus schedule. Well, I had just gotten the baby down for morning nap and had gone into the kitchen to get the pumping gear when he came in and remembered it was Martin Luther King day. The Metro website confirmed that if you live in this neck of the woods you are screwed if you want to take a bus on the weekends or holidays. That is a new change from when I was riding the bus...they created a 7 to take up the slack. Now if we want to take the busy on the weekend we have to walk way over to the East Transfer point in order to get around. Yeah, I COULD wait for the 16 to take us there, but why not just walk? It's faster.

So even though he didn't want to drive because of the accumulating snow, he had to. Plus it's still super cold out there! Ice skating in the cold is one thing, but getting in and out of cars is another entirely.

I sort of wish my clothes would fit again already. But at the same time, I don't have anywhere to go and anyone to really see, and more importantly I don't want to invest money in new pants if they won't fit come this spring when I plan on getting oodles of walking exercise in. I have 15 pounds to go before they will fit again I think. I have started doing some strengthening exercises and I would like to start working on stretching again. I mean it's not that hard to do a few exercises in between commercials or baby naps. I should cut myself a LITTLE slack because I didn't the okay to start exercising again until a little over a week ago, and you know two months isn't that long ago to use the "I just had a baby" excuse. Right?

So now that I have just talked about exercise and pounds and all that, I still want cake for my birthday this Thursday. There was a very long time that I hated birthday cake and would insist on pie instead. But this year I would like ... cake and frosting. Other birthday wishes:

-a Sven
-have a pair of those "sisterhood of the traveling pants" pants
-self shoveling sidewalk and driveway
-my creaky knees to stop being creaky
-for Morella to outgrow this reflux and aspirating issues sooner rather than later

awww...since I mentioned her, I had to pause and look over at her sleeping next to me. Her sweet little face and blond explosion of hair. She is wearing her pooh outfit that she has worn since she first came home and it's amazing how long she looks now! Which has now broken my train of thought, so I'll just end now. Besides I 'm sort of babbling now.

Last night was a first! Morella slept the night through after being put to bed at 11. She got up at 6.30 to take her medicine, eat a little and then go back to sleep. Wow!

All in all, things are getting better. I think about December and it seems like one long dark blur filled with Christmas music. One might speculate that the holiday season is ruined forever with memories of stress, anxiety and worry -- but I don't think that will be the case. I can still remember my little baby bit with her bright eyes, mop of blond hair and adorable little feet. Oh she must have heard me typing about her because she woke up and is looking around in her swing. She didn't sleep very well this evening -- probably too much excitement.

Sarah, Dave and Ruth came for a visit, and it occurred to me as they left that I forgot to take a picture! Argh, I had even remembered right before they came -- that just goes to show that I need to do it right away as soon as people enter the door otherwise I'll forget. :( But it was a good visit. They brought a KFC dinner over, and we provided some wine and dessert. It was so nice to sit and chat with them over dinner at the kitchen table and we got to try out the high chair we got from Kathy. It works great! I can already imagine making dinner with Morella sitting in the kitchen from her plastic throne and giving me hints on how make a casserole even more cheesy.

Ruth was adorable (and again I am miffed I forgot to take pictures -- it's not like I get to see them all the time. :( Which is really too bad, because that would be so awesome if she lived closer or I lived closer to her. Even an hour would make a difference. Though right now the kids wouldn't have much in common -- but in a year or two the age difference wouldn't be that big of a deal at all.

Sarah brought me a magazine too -- she has the best magazines. I only have Good Housekeep and Redbook -- though it has taken me a long time to even read the last couple of months -- but I am catching up really quick. It's easy to start reading when I am on the couch with Morella and she's only in the mood to chill or is taking a light nap.

Then yesterday evening we got a surprise visit from Chuck who was in town on business. Man that was nice to have visitors and catch up. More people should visit! It really breaks up the winter duldrums.

Okay I gotta change back into my uniform of jammies, and take these contacts out. This dry weather really makes them dry -- I also need to put some lotion on. I can't believe how dry my skin is these past few months. Oh and since Morella is now up I should really give her the nightly dose of her prevacid.

First things first -- I have uploaded all the Morella baby pictures thus far onto Kodak's site -- meaning you can go there to view them and order photo quality prints if you like. All the pictures were taking in high resolution, and I have ordered before from Kodak and was quite happy with the quality of their photos. You need an invitation in order to see (and subsequently order them) though -- so if you would like to do so, please email me your address at: hadjare at gmail dot com I thought family members would in particular like this.

Second -- Morella was having a case of the reflux today. I could tell as soon as she woke up this morning. I wonder if it's because I had three cups of coffee yesterday. Ugh, this after a long time with no caffiene maybe it aggravated her tummy. It's the only thing that I can think of that was really different in my diet. Back to the no caffeine world. At least it's easy, since we have both been caffeine free for almost a year now.

That said we are trying ... unsuccessfully so far, to get her to go to bed at a reasonable bed time -- that being 10.30. The last couple of nights that I hae done that she lays in her bouncinette and ... well yammers on. The other night she cried because she was hungry again at 11.30 after being up for a long time, and last night she was just ... up for an hour before finally going to sleep. I also think we might have a gabber on our hands. Man, she is talking up storm! Especially tonight she just yammered on and on to Tim as he walked her around the house. She talked to herself in the swing. She had a chat with a pink carebear (I thought it was time to introduce stuffed animals and dolls to her to so to help her social skills) and she really gets going when she's on the diaper changing pad thing. I have to admit, it's awesome that she talks. It's makes her seem so much more personable and really, yakking it up is much better than crying it up.

Also, I saw her do it yesterday briefly, but today she really put a lot of effort into it -- pushing herself up to look around with her arms while on her tummy! This is the difference of a few inches on Monday when she would just lift her head enough to turn it side to side...now she can lift it enough to look forward. Wow. She is really learning a lot this week!

And in other news, I can't tell you how happy I am that tomorrow is finally Friday. A weekend of having help again. :) Though there is no Voyager on Fridays...sad. And I don't have any netflix movies right now to watch...gah what am I going to do with my time?

Oh I talked to my brother Shane today and he said he was going to get me a Xbox Live Kit for my birthday!!!! Wow. I am stunned! His reasoning for it was that it comes with a camera that I can hook up and they can see on their TV ... so my family will be able to see Morella since none of them have had the finances or ability to see her yet. This is a great idea! I hope it pans out...

Well I should warm up a bottle in preparation for The Transfer (to bed). I also need some lotion on my hands. I have noticed that after having this baby my skin has become...dry. I guess I really am a Mom now.

I went through pictures so that I know which ones to put in the gallery when I get a few more minutes. But for now, here are two.

BIL Phil babysat for me when I had a doctor appointment last Friday.

What a cutie pie!! 7 weeks -- also taken last Friday. See I am behind one week.

I think I have settled on my New Year's Resolutions:

1. Respond to correspondence (maybe this should include phone calls??) in 10 business days.
2. Have baby and marriage survive this year intact.
3. Go on vacation.
4. Make sure to fit in at least an hour of "me" time in the day.

Later --

Morella is having a sleepy day. Which works out because I went and met Hilary, Leta and Cullen over at Cool Beans for some coffee today. I had a nice lunch while I was at it and throughly enjoyed myself. :) I came home just in time for Voyager and *crosses fingers* Morella has been pretty handable today. Maybe that is because last night I got some good sleep! I decided to put in ear plugs - but only just a little so that they would fall out, but enough to dampen all the noises so that I could go to sleep. I was pure, silent heaven and I was out in less than 5 minutes. I repeated this after the 4:00 feed and pump and it worked like a dream. That means I got a good 7 hours of sleep. Then after I gave her the morning medicine and she ate an ounce or two she got sleepy and instead of holding her and napping on the couch, I put her in the swing and took a nap on the couch myself. MUCH better, let me tell you.

But really, I think she is just having a sleepy day which makes up for the last two very awake days she has had.

In addition to getting out of the house, I am also finding and making some time to write again. I started with my journal, and Morella's journal, as well as replying to emails and letters. It's a start -- but I feel SO much better now that I am writing again. I know I write blogs, but this is way more structured and filtered than what my private journals hold. Sometimes you need to be able to be redundant, sloppy and whiney. Paper journals accomplish that goal for me. I guess everyone has their coping mechanism and mine is definitely writing.

Now if I only I could find a way to make it pay some bills. ;)

Tired. That is, right now I am. Morella hasn't been sleeping longer than 3 hour intervals at night for the last couple of days...oh heck not just at night but all day. Right now she is in her swing again because she was being TOO fussy, and and is gurling away. She's not eating that great anymore tonight -- she'll eat for a bit and then stop and choke and cough. Which is good! I wanted to comment that she is starting to cough a bit more. I take that as a good sign. :D

But I wish she would do a better job clearing out all the gunk in her throat. Oh well, I guess the last two days were it was a minimum were too good to last.

I actually got some stuff done today, despite my little princess being awake for most of it. She is awake but chill. I spent lots of time talking to her, playing with a mirror, she got floor time exercise - but sometimes a baby just has to chill on their own -- hence the swing. However, I would like her to sleep a little more in the swing. Just a nap would be nice. Okay maybe I am speaking for myself here. :P

So yeah, I took a hot shower, I paid two bills and looked at finances, I washed the dishes, I vinegared the coffee pot, I trimmed my bangs (they were getting TOO shaggy to bear), and I am making herb crusted roast for dinner with mashed potatoes. I should probably add another vegetable to the mix...but I don't know what yet. And I even had time to watch my favorite show in the world right now - Star Trek Voyager. Two awesome hours of it today. :D I really look forward to that block of time to watch it -- taking care of baby is a piece of cake during that time.

Speaking of which she is making noises other than raspy breathing...I should turn that white noise on again and maybe she'll go to sleep. I also need to check the roast and see how close it is to being done, and I still have to make the sauce for it.

Yeah, I could use a nap right now though. Tim is going to be ice skating after he finishes walking the dog and eats. I think if the MIL comes this weekend that we will both go ice skating and see a movie -- how date like is that?!

I am also working on putting up some pictures -- but I haven't found time for that yet today. :( It's on my short list of things to get done though. I have three new year's resolutions so far...I still need one more. Once I figure out what that is, I'll post them.

I'm really looking forward to warmer weather. Taking the Bit for walks will be SO nice and a great way to break up the day I think. By the time spring comes, we'll be able to do so many things...I think it should be exciting. :D

Morella's weight check appointment went okay. She weighed in at 9 pounds and 5 ounces. So she slowed down a bit since the last weight check on the 4th in which she was 8 pounds and 14 ounces -- a total of 7 ounces in 10 days? Yeah. I blame part of that on that whole formula and Thicken Up fiasco when she was pooping and barfing constantly. In any case the doctor said that she is normal (now) in the 23rd percentile's for weight and 51% for height. Morella is still long and lean. Oh she's 22 inches nows.

She has been (by our calculations) at least for the last two days, up to around 24-26 ounces of breastmilk a day (not including the Simply Thick that we add). The doctor seemed to think that moving on to pure xanthan gum later on would be a good thing because there are calories in that...whereas there are no calories in the Simply Thick. Hm. I wonder why. Anyway. It will be cheaper that's for sure, but more work. But based on her weight now, her goal is to get 17-19 ounces a day. But there hasn't been a big enough pattern of eating for me to really see how much she is getting...if that makes any sense.

Her next appointment is on the 30th for her belated two month appointment, and she'll be getting shots! Poor baby. :(

Her tone is good. She's developmentally on track. And we are thinking of repeating the barium swallow study at the end of February/beginning of March. So that's .. what? Six weeks? Yeah. She'll be almost four months? Gah. It seems like an eternity away. But I guess as long as she is drinking okay, gaining weight and not getting sick -- and not being as colicky as she was in those beginning weeks, then I am okay with that.

She's a sleepy baby today though. I think she'll be happy to snooze the day away...I just hope that means she is developmentally learning some stuff...and when has an awake day then I'll be seeing some new tricks. :D

She is the best though! Man, I love this little baby. She's the cutest, most adorablest, sweetest and prettiest baby in this house. This weekend she graduated from New Born size diapers to the size one diapers which means I finally have to get on the horn about getting those cloth diaper started. We have a whole bunch of prefolds and some Prowraps I got from Sarah/Hilary. We use them mostly for changing table pads because she pees at least twice a day mid-diaper change. I have used the whole diaper shebang a few times but only when I am certain that she won't poop. Anyway. Yeah, I need to order the supply. I figure it will be pain in the beginning but we'll get used to it...

What else. She can track things from side to side, she hears/recognizes me and Tim's voice, she will smile at you, and what a chatty kathy! Man, she LOVES to talk. She loves her bath time and her favorite place in the world is the changing station. She likes her play gym, hates tummy time -- but I make her have it after her gym time but before she eats. Right now I am letting her nap on her tummy though -- it really does seem to help her reflux sometimes.

She is sleeping in her bouncinette at night because it's inclined right and it keeps her in place. She also has a bit of mobile above it for when she wakes up to look at. She goes to sleep between 10-12 and will sleep generally until 3-4, get up and eat a few ounces and konk out until 6-7.

She hates taking rantidine because it tastes awful, but doesn't mine the prevacid. I also read that it really will take 4-6 weeks for that to really be effective..though the pediatrician suggested that they say that long because that is when you give up.

I don't know if it's working yet. But I do know that she is doing better *knocking on wood*

Okay, I should make up bottle for her...I am sure she'll wake up soonish? Maybe. I am also hungry again and need to go scavange for something. Darn, I was going to look up something to do with the pot roast for the crock pot ... but there isn't enough time right now in the rest of the day to make anything. I wonder if I have any bags to roast it in...hm.

I would also love to have a cream filled donut right now and a diet coke. Oh I should go and check the mail.

gah I have internet business to do...I need to renew my domain for wazika and tceku and figure out the errors that were going along with that....I need to catch up on a ton of emails...I need to upload photos of Morella onto Kodak and get some freaking prints....I need to post more things that are aren't total bummers.

Yeah. Today was good! Believe it or not this little sweetie must have burned herself out the last two days because after 3ish, she slept like an angel, got up to eat just fine (just one little spit up when she needed a burp), and then put herself to sleep at 11.15 and I was able to transfer her to her boucinette without her waking up and squalling!

So I am taking this opportunity to pump and then take that age old cue of sleep when the baby sleeps. I'll be back at 3 or 4 doing this again...sometimes she wakes up at 2.30. That's rareish though, but her last bottle was at 10.30...

I heard that when a baby sleeps alot for one day like this that the next day or soon thereafter you see some pretty significant developments. I wonder what I can expect. I did notice that she could use one arm to hold herself up a bit during tummy time today. Of course she still looks at us, smiles her shy little smile, and she can track things great. The sticky poops are still here but she is having them about 3 times a day...which is way more regular than she has ever been before. There are tons of wet diapers...so she is getting enough, I think. She is starting to average about 24 ounces a day (it's actually more if you count the simply thick, but we are going by breastmilk alone).

Okay, pumping is done. I don't want to waste precious sleeping hours when I don't need to be pumping extra.

I am tired. I am tired of my worries. I am sick to death of this anxiety. Just when I think I can get used to something and calm down, something else comes along. Right now it's worrying about poop, food allergies and what if's. I know, I know, stop paying a debt to something that isn't there...but still.

I guess I can focus on the poop thing. Her poops are thick and sticky. It looks like they are held together by gum -- which is true. The poop is soft, but you can sort of pull it apart -- it looks like tacky paper mache... It's good that it's poop and that it is still soft, but is this a bad thing for her? Was it because I used straight up xanthan gum when I had to bridge the gap between the samples and the stuff I ordered? But then xanthan gum is the main ingrediant in Simply Thick..so would this have happened anyway? Should I care? I mean she is still pooping -- that is what matters most, right?

Right now she is sleeping in the cradle swing that my friend Hilary is letting me borrow. Thank god for this -- I have been able to put her in the swing when I need to pump and when she isn't feeling well after eating and her reflux is bothering her. I hate to listen to her breath though -- it's congested. I don't think she is aspirating on the milk anymore -- but she might be on the reflux. Her breathing gets rotten after she has a mini attack and sort of stays that way forever. I wish she would cough more.

I wish she could drink normally and have normal wet, messy, explody poops...though when she was on straight breastmilk with a little rice cereal she only pooped every two to three days...so maybe ....

I wish her reflux will get better at the 3-4 month mark.
I wish that her refluxing getting better will make it so that she won't aspirate.

I have now gotten reports that it can take anywhere from 7 days to 4-6 weeks for the prevacid to really work and make a difference. Uh at that point she would be 3-4 months...is that coincidental or are they serious?

Will I have to buy more Simply Thick -- I figured out that my 100 packs is actually more like a 20 day supply. That isn't long. Will her poops look different from just using this? Is using the xanthan gum homemade stuff out of the question? How long should I wait until I request another barium swallow study? The doctor has said three months, but then she also stressed that if I wanted to do it sooner than that, I could. I asked if they meant like 6 weeks....
.
.
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but six weeks seems like an eternity to me right now. I wish I knew if she was okay, even though she wheezes constantly, refluxes wet urps, and has the weirdest stickiest baby poop around.

Why is the internet only full of the toughest cases? I want to someone who has used Simply Thick with breastmilk to tell me what their babies poop looked like. It's been done before, why hasn't someone blogged or written about it?? I want to see more examples of babies growing out of this.

I just really want me little girl to stop struggling so much to eat and breath.

So this is what is in my head. It's not a nice place to be right now. Quite frankly I am surprised that I am not experiencing PPD considering the trials and tribulations we have had so far.

Okay. I feel like I am practically on cloud nine -- I have found at least an answer to ONE thing. Oh thank god.

In a nutshell:

1. I found a thickener that works with breastmilk, but it's hella expensive. It's $50 bucks for a two week supply. I ordered a month supply. I figure it still cheaper than that formula, powder thickener and sanity.

2. Prevacid takes up to two weeks to start working. I got a three month supply for 15$ that I can pick up when she goes in for a quickie weight check and look over next Monday.

3. In the meantime, get baby back on xantax.

4. Boucinette needs to be used more.

5. Work on pacifier.

6. Accept that baby will barf and .... be the barf. :P

So we had the appointment with the ENT this morning. They stuck a thin camera on a wire down each of her little nostrils to take a gander. I had to sit in a chair that they raised and hold her arms in while another woman held her head still. She screamed the whole time. I ask you, why do they always try and tell us that this doesn't hurt kids? That it's a teeny uncomfortable? Gah, it's like when they say the HSG is going to feel like a little pinch...:P Thank goodness for infantile amnesia.

The results of this test was that she does have a mild case of Laryngomalacia: (literally, "soft larynx") is a very common condition of infancy, in which the soft, immature cartilage of the upper larynx collapses inward during inhalation, causing airway obstruction. It can also be seen in older patients, especially those with neuromuscular conditions resulting in weakness of the muscles of the throat. However, the infantile form is much more common.

It also showed that the folds were red, irritated and swollen -- all symptomatic of her reflux. Basically the doctor said that it will probably get better when her reflux gets better and gives it time to heal.

So. We need to focus on getting this reflux under control.

---two hours later---

Okay so. This weekend sucked, she was got progressively worse and started barfing more and more until last night she wouldn't keep anything down the wet diapers decreased and the poop or two was getting thicker and drier looking. Plus you know she cried almost that whole time. I think I know why this happened now, but let me finish. We felt helpless. This formula and powder thickener route blows. It wasn't working for us or the baby because figuring out the right consistency was a bitch. What is honey consistency anyway?

I get home and it's so foggy it's like a cloud outside and it's pouring. Totally dreary, and when it rains like that it seems to bring out the best in the cat pee smell. A smell we do out best to eliminate. I ended up making her three bottles before I got the right one. The first one with the elemental formla was too thick - and I tasted it and realized it's the worst thing that has passed my lips in years. The second bottle with soy formula was too thin. I dumped it, the baby cried and I decided to just make a four ounce bottle again and not mess around with measurements. She ate one ounce of that and went to sleep. I posted about barfing and was reminded that I have a bouncinette. I moved her to it from the boppy (she kept sliding down in it anyway) and her breathing got better and she had a nice long nap!

AWESOME. But the day was about to get better. In the meantime, I did lots of research. I had gotten 12 packet samples of this new thickener called Simply Thick Gel. It's not made of cornstarch but relies on xanthan gum to thicken things up. There was a chance that it might work with breastmilk. I was leary. I looked all over and saw that they use it for preemies...but mostly I saw that it was done with formula. Finally I decided to bite the bullet and try.

My friends, it works. It's a fucking miracle. It thickens right away, it can be refrigerated, and reheated. The breastmilk does not break it down. It's good all day if you want to leave it out (though obviously the rules still apply to breastmilk). Oh my god. I felt such a burden lifted. I also learned what honey consistency is -- it's so simple -- put a straw in the middle. If it stands for 5 seconds (or more) it's the right consistency!

She was fed two bottles (four ounces...well five...total) and it stayed down. I used the boucinette in between and she napped, and I am working on her starting to use a pacifier after she eats. If she can use a pacifier it will help the esophagus muscles work to keep acid down. She is currently now working on another.

She is talking. She is alert. She is not squalling.

The pediatrician called the meantime, and I learned that she should still have been on the baby xantax. This might explain why Morella started crying and being in more pain over the weekend since I stopped giving it to her when we started the prevacid last Friday.

Xantax - neutralizes acid
Prevacid - helps stop acid production

So. I am hoping now that we are doing both -- and she is getting breastmilk, which breaks down faster -- that we will start to see some improvement this week.

The Appointment

It went well. I guess I'll keep her. ;) In brief...or as brief as I can ever be, I'll relate the day.

I woke up, fed her and she went down for a nap right away. Just enough time for me to wash my hair in the tub with baby shampoo (I was afraid I wouldn't have time for conditioner), get dressed, put away some laundry, get the diaper bag ready, check my list of questions and finally get the baby ready. When I finally picked her up I saw that she had taken a giant dump and ... had probably taken it a little while ago because it was sort of like ... dryish clay. You know, crumbly but if you touch it it readily smears...anyway. There was a good roll of it under her onsies and of course her outfit was wet. Those onsies...I tell you, they are a godsend for containing poopsplosions. But hey, that means this is now two days in a row that she had taken a poop! That's improvement!

We made it to the appointment, and were seen. I was ready for battle, I tell you. I felt like I had prepared for this all night. I had my arguments ready...and yet at the same time she kept asking what I wanted and I didn't tell her. What did I want? I wanted her off xantax and on prevacid. Something that has been shown to actually make a difference with her reflux -- which I think is making this those aspirating thing worse...and at the very least making Morella super uncomfortable. I was going to tell her this, but at the same time I wanted her to recommend it. Isn't that what a good peditrician does? She finally said "What do you want?"

"I want to reduce the stomach acid in her stomach," I replied.
"Okay then, we'll put her on a proton-pump inhibitor," she answered and then added "You can tell me what you want to happen."

Hm. I guess I'll keep that in mind, but at the same time -- I would have told her eventually.

Anyway. She fed her, we agreed that honey consitency is nasty, and Morella barfed some of it up. She said "It looks thicker coming up! Maybe we should thin it more."

I said "No, the point is that it should be thick enough for her to swallow -- that is the whole point of this goop."

I am loosing steam for relating the whole thing bit by bit. So instead"

--She is on prevacid now. A quarter of a pill twice a day. I have six pills...so that is what? A 12 day supply. If this works then we will work on a compounding method to make the medicine easier to give to her. God I hope it works.

--She is on an elemental formula: A nutritional supplement in which proteins are in a 'predigested' peptide or amino-acid form called Alimentum. She gave me four sample cans of it to try out.

--I am to feed her the thickened formula, two ounces, frequently throughout the day. Of course this is addition to her sitting up to eat it, and staying up for at least 30 minutes afterward and burps on the shoulder after every ounce. She is also supposed to take a little break between ounces to give it time to settle.

--I should continue to pump because apparently the specialist thought that she would outgrow this (and the pediatrician concurs). I hope that is the case! I didn't realize that this appointment would take so long by the time I got home 6 and 1/2 hours had passed and I was engorged. I guess I'll wait and see what Monday has to show.

--Morella has an appointment with a highly regarded ENT on Monday. She is first going to do another mini barium study with a speech pathologist and someone else and then see the ENT. The appointment is at 9:00 at the new fancy Children's Hospital.

So, I guess I feel happy. The pediatrician admitted that she could count on one hand the amount of babies that she has seen in her experience who were silent aspirators. So it's rare! Morella is special that way.... :P Maybe that is why she was more open to talking and I got everything I wanted. Bonus is that I got four free sample cans of the elemental formula (which the specialist had told the pediatrician to tell us to use). I hope this predigested food agrees with Morella better, and the prevacid has an effect and that she is feeling better by Monday.

On the way home I stopped at McDonald's and had some grub. Heather came over to visit later and brought cookies! I watched an episode of Voyager and got two more pumping sessions in. I feed Morella another couple ounces and she didn't barf and actually went to sleep. I managed to do dishes. I am having a beer and wishing I had another.

That said, I have posted some more photos of Morella in the gallery for her 6 week mark. Go here to see them. Here is one of my favorites (though it's so hard to choose!):

Today had a lot of crying in it - most of the morning in fact. I just feel so overwhelmed at taking care of Morella's feeding schedule. Feeding her this thick, goopy, honey consistency formula just kills me. It makes her mouth all chalky and she smacks her lips like a thirsty person and it just stays there in her mouth being all ... inert. Then when she does manage to suck some of that sludge down the reflux tags in and she in discomfort for the next 45 minutes (at least). You would think that this sludge would stay in her belly and not cause her issues, but alas that is not the case. Not to mention her breathing has gotten worse and is even more labored than before. A lot of the time it sounds like she really needs a good cough to get that gunk out.

Last night it took her 45 minutes to go sleep after eating at 3:00AM because of the reflux. She has already vomited twice (once yesterday and once today).

What do you do with a baby when they are fussy? You carry then, jostle and jiggle, you look at their diapers and ... what was that other major thing? Oh yeah FOOD. You feed them. Except what do you when it feels like every time you give them the bottle you are playing a game of russian roulette? Did I make the formula thick enough for her to not aspirate but yet suck down? Oh no did she just aspirate now? Is the formula too thick now and can she eat anything?

That damn pediatrician never called me back. I am sure she is just waiting until the appointment tomorrow morning. You know, I don't think I like her much. To be honest she isn't the one that got the whole ball rolling on this it was the stand in pediatrician that did. Though of course she consulted her on everything and seemed unsure of herself. Still, I appreciate that she got things in motion. I feel like this pediatrician is too quick to say everything is "normal."

Tim has decided that he hates lactation consultants because they should have been experienced enough to see that we were doing everything right and that there might be a medical reason behind her not breastfeeding. He does have a point. The lesser pediatrician is a LC ... but she isn't permanent for the East side location. I am currently stuck with the one I have until they hire another one (the other one just left for another job)...or go to a different location. I don't feel like my driving is that great to do that and it would probably be the location that is far away and hard to get too. :(

I guess I will see what happens tomorrow. I feel like our situation is serious enough to warrant action. Fast and efficient. But the fact that she didn't call me back today makes me think that maybe she thinks babies breathing in liquid into their lungs is NORMAL.

Anyway. After we both cried for a long time, and eventually she finished a bottle we both went to sleep on the couch (her in her boppy and propped up) and me cuddling next to her. We had a nice three hour nap -- which she continued after I gave her the 4:00 bottle. Oh yeah, I am going to try and not feed her anymore except after three hours to make sure that she drinks the sludge down. It's too hard to play with the consistency of it for comfort feeding to work.

I think I am going to try the hot shower steam thing tonight and see if that helps with her breathing.

I am feeling so depressed. There is just this heaviness that I can't seem to shake for the moment. I know, I just found out this news and need to process it and eventually I will feel better, but for right now I just feel .... sad.

We had Morella's suck/swallow test today. She can suck and swallow ... just fine, it's just that she's silently aspirating. I guess it's a good thing that she stopped breastfeeding when she did. Did you know that breastmilk is thinner than water? I didn't know that. She was first tested with the breastmilk/rice with a little barium and after a little bit she was aspirating. Then they switched to a nectar/syrup consistency with just barium and she still aspirated. Then they switched to a honey texture and she did much better, only almost aspirating once -- as in it thought about going in the wrong direction but didn't.

What does this mean? I guess it means we have been extremely lucky she hasn't developed pneumonia at this point. However it also means that she needs to have all of her milk thickened significantly by some thickener (Thicken Up) that we can get at Walgreens. The bad news is that it doesn't bond well with breastmilk. I tried when we got home. I made a bottle of formula with the thickener and a bottle of breastmilk with the thicker. The formula thickened to the right consistency but the breastmilk never did.

I fed her the formula bottle and she drank it right down with no problems. She drank the whole thing with no choking, stopping or anything. And afterward she was a happy mellow baby. [Though she just woke up right now].

Then next step is for her to see a Ear, Nose and Throat specialist to see if there are any physical reasons to this. I have an appointment with the pediatrician on Friday though I decided to call today anyway to see if I could get an appointment a bit faster with an ENT instead of waiting until Friday. But since it isn't the system yet, I might very well have to wait.

In the meantime...what do I do with the breastmilk? I mean, do I keep pumping but ease up in case there is something that CAN be done about this? Do I quit and just accept that it isn't going to happen? Is it possible to give her a little breastmilk with the formula? Is it worth it in the long run? Will it thicken to the right consistency? I am not sure -- I haven't tested that theory. But only a tablespoon of breastmilk ... will that be worth pumping? Is it hard to just ... dry up?

Do I accept that without breastmilk she is going to get more colds and sniffles -- but that is still a hundred times better than getting pneumonia? I mean, THANK GOD she hasn't gotten sick so far. We are so lucky in that regard.

Who know that breastfeeding was the worst thing that I could be doing for this baby? She was getting the thinnest stuff possible stuff forced down her throat once the letdown started. So not only was she dealing with reflux because of this, but she was also aspirating. Double whammy. My poor baby -- her first month was probably hell.

---couple hours later ----


Anyway, now that I have calmed down a bit. I decided to just freeze the milk I do have, keep pumping -- but drop it down to 6 times a day and just keep it up until we get and have the appointment with the ENT. Though I will bring this up with the pediatrician on Friday and see what she says. I went ahead and made two bottles -- well made, as in measured out the formula and thickener into bottles so that I just have to add four onces of water later. I also made four nipples to go with them. Since the milk has to be honey consistency, I had to crosshatch cut the nipples so that she could actually suck the sludge out. I am SO glad that I got a bunch of those nipples from the hospital. I am also glad for these samples of formula. BIL Phil said he has some he could give me too -- at first I said no...but now I think I will revise that.

My poor baby. Every week has been a different feeding tactic for her. Tim said that the feeding has always been the same, that we are just learning more and getting better. Maybe he is right, but honestly it's just tiresome to have to have to constantly change it.

At least I was able to cancel the lactation appointment today with a clear conscious and actually felt a little good about not having to reschedule.

Well, I am going to do dishes and clean up the kitchen until Morella wakes up for her afternoon nap. Cleaning makes my mind easier.

As one friend said, maybe now that we are making eating easier for her, we will be able to see more of her personality now that she isn't consumed with pain and discomfort.

Happy New Year!

I still have to make my resolutions -- it's okay. I give myself the whole month of January to think of them. Usually it only takes a week though. I don't want to rush into them, you know. Careful consideration is order. :)

I went out on New Year's Eve after grocery shopping and taking care of baby for a stint. Tim watched Morella while I went out (not to bad because she went to bed early anyway -- which in turn, meant that she was also up a lot later... not so fun). The party was good, I got to spend some time hanging out with Hilary and a few other friends. Laima did a great job with the party and there was a ton of great food and booze to drink. It was very hard to stick to one glass of mulled wine and a little champagne. I was REALLY happy, when in the end she made sure I left with TWO platters of sushi. Yeah, can you believe it? Tim was in heaven when I bought that home and made sure to extend his new year's celebrating until the wee hours of the morning (playing video games, drinking, eating sushi). I went to bed after pumping and hoped that I would get in some good sleep. Except I couldn't sleep. I really hate that it takes me 20-40 minutes to unwind enough to sleep. Then Morella was up at 4 wanting to eat (even though at at 1:00), and then again at 6. Man.

The day was okay -- I told Tim that I maybe regretted going to the party in the morning because I had so little sleep and felt terrible. We then took turns watching the baby and taking naps so that by the evening I was feeling better about the whole thing. After a good long nap, a nice shower and some relaxing time I was ready to do this again.

Morella was having a hungry day and was going on day three without a poop. Seriously, I think I am putting up a calender in her room (already bought -- just need to hang it up) and start keeping track of her poops. For the last couple of times they have been every three days and today was no exception. Though I like to think I helped to bring it on by giving her a bath tonight that was made MUCH easier with a big fluffy, hooded baby towel that her grandmother had bought for her. She didn't cry after she was out of the bath and instead started talking to me in the bathroom. So I just held in her the bathroom for awhile chatting while she dried off and was snug as bug in a rug. Then after that, I put some calming comfort lotion (lavender) on her one body part at the time (she was still snuggled in the fluffy towel) and she was totally relaxed and enjoyed it. Not an hour after that, and wearing a new outfit -- she had a poopsplotion.

Why does she hold her poop? I don't know. It's like she holds it until she can't hold it anymore and then it erupts like a volcano. Her entire diaper get filled and it seeps out the front, side and back into the onsie, through the outfit and often to any nearby blanket she has on. If she would poop everyday she would be a much happier baby, I am sure. Not to mention the poops would be so much easier to clean up. I looked up online to see what I could to help her and instead just found lots of sites reassuring me that it's normal for babies to go several days without pooping. But, is it normal to do that ALL the time??

Tomorrow...er today -- the 2nd, she has her suck swallow test at the UW. I have no idea what to expect. Most of the time she is still lousy at taking a bottle -- on the other hand she is gaining weight like crazy so she isn't completely lousy at sucking, right?

I am a little closer to accepting that she might just be a EP baby (exclusively pumping). Thank goodness we live in a day and age when that is possible and that Morella pretty much came with this pump. Rather she made a $300 dollar pump into one that was only $50 bucks. Maybe she knew she was going to pill about breastfeeding .... *insert spooky supernatural music with slight hints of fate and destiny*

Okay bedtime ... again.