Aside from a three day migraine which I attribute to the weather...I think I turned a corner this week! Holy cow. I have more energy and ... get this friends....I'm hungry and food is starting to look good again.

Last night I made a bok choy salad, ravoli and garlic bread. It was an AWESOME dinner. Truly magnificent. After dinner the DH and I walked Pluto and then went to Petsmart to get some bugs for Koopa (the possum), a cat harness so maybe one of our cats can go in the back yard, and more cat litter. Then we stopped at Borders to see if they had this book: The Great American Book of Church Signs as a gift for Rev. Tim (Tim's Dad) who is having his installment ceremony on Sunday at the chuch he is now ... uh ministering at. THey didn't, but I on the other hand got lots of great loot 75% off for the "gift drawer". It was depleted at Christmas. I can't tell you how many times the gift drawer has saved our hides. :D

Then we drove over to Hilary's to drop off a bunch of graphic novels we rediscovered in the basment. Whew...I would have hated to have them down there for much longer! Anyway, she got some of the greats like: Astro City, Kingdom Come, the Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Death the High Cost of Living...etc. You know, graphic novels are GREAT summertime reading material. In fact, I wish I had something new to read right now. :( There are two more complilations of Astro City that have come out since we last bought them -- but since we read the comic book singles for so long I am not sure if any of the stories are new. Anyway, she should be set for a while.

After that, we retired to our home to play some Star War's Lego's together before getting into bed rather late at 12.

Oh and yesterday we bought a rain tent .. like sun guard type thing for camping because you know it's going to pour every singe day that we are there this weekend. Ahh...camping old school. I knew the last time when there was great weather and no rain was a fluke. We used up all our good camping karma camping in October.

We are going to try and get there early tomorrow to enjoy the most of it and be back Sunday night. I'll take pictures. :D

16 Week Update: I thought I would share photos with you. Give me some time and I put the Memorial Day photos up as well. Mostly likely this afternoon.

So, do you see any change? I think the biggest change I see is between 10 and 12 when I lost weight because of the stomach bug and morning sickness really kicked in. So there you have it. Enjoy! (Click on photo for bigger image).
Oh, I just updated Gallery -- check out the Memorial Day Photos (family, powwow and finished craft projects at the end). Be sure to click on May 2007 and of course, you can see any photo larger if you just click on it. Enjoy.

I plan on taking photos this weekend, so be prepared for photos next week! No really, I'll upload them and not just say I will. No seriously.

Really. I mean it.

A few things.

First, Migo is trying to attempt to "get rid of Bacon Bit." Two times now she has jumped from the open window will all her might and landed directly on my stomach only to use it as jump board to get to the floor on the other side of the bed (over Tim). After it happened this week, it hurt and made me worried -- I started closing the window enough that she couldn't fit under it. This morning, I was awakened by two more assassination attempts by Migo to jump from the dresser onto me -- except the dresser is further down the bed -- so all she hit was by my knees. TWICE! She tried it twice! Can you believe that?! Tim and I are thinking of switching sides of the bed any way because we'll have to do that come November anyway since the bassinet would be on that side of the bed. Or whatever you get to put newborns in. :D

Secondly, we still haven't planted anything in our garden. Dang! But it's still May, there is still time right? And we aren't getting stuff that is from seeds (learned our lesson on that) so it should be okay. We just need to get to a place that sells plants. Actually first I need to make garden plan.

Third, I need to call Amy to see if I can get some of her famous rubarb so I can make a pie to bring with us this weekend to my Dad's. Uh I should do that now while it's on my list...right? Hold on.

There. Done. I'm a roll this morning! I have so far: did some laundry (still need to go and hang it up), addressed two envelopes and mailed them, made a phone call, ate some lunch, took a nap, and eventually will get to taking a shower and cleaning the living room.

Speaking of which I think the laundry is done. I should go and put it outside quick before the weather decides to get wet. I hope with all the wind today that it will dry faster. Maybe I should do TWO loads? Dare I risk it?!

Week 15 Status Report

Operation Bacon Bit is now at week 15. Things did not start off well this morning, for I was gaggy for no apparent reason from the get go. I walked into the kitchen to drink some water, and gagged on it. I walked out and didn't go back in. I had the DH make me some poptarts and bring them to the living room. It's not that my kitchen is a mess (because it it really is) it just came out of no where, and continued to do on the walk to the bus, the walk to work, and sometimes while sitting at my desk. I still had a bit of an appetite though and managed to eat lots of effin' junk food today! The most in a LONG long time. But considering I lost three more pounds last from the last time I checked, I am not going to beat myself up.

The OB appointment sucked. I met with an administrative lady who asked me questions regarding my family history. Questions I hate answering because most of them are a resounding YES when it comes to my Mother. Diabetes? Yes. High Blood Pressure? Yes. Stroke? Yes. Heart Attack? Yes. Congenital heart defects? Yes (Mom's brother). Depression or mental illness? Yes.

Gah! When she asked liver disease, I was exasperated enough to quantify the question with "Naturally or from drinking?" Thank goodness she said naturally because I got to say no. Of course there were a bunch of questions I did get to say no too, but ... I hate even having to say yes to any!

Anyway, she gave me another pregnancy book.. this time more "baby manual" than a "what to expect when you are expecting" book which is really cool. It covers everything baby in easy to understand, simple english with pictures. One day I will look at it more. Other than that, I peed in a cup and, signed the hippo/hippa? form and was on my way.

I didn't even get weighed or anything! She did make an appointment for me with the OB I choose (I met her once before because she preformed my HSG -- uh, look it up). She seemed like a no nonsense kind of gal - which I like! That appointment is supposed to be a mini-physical type thing and isn't until June 16th.

I don't get to find out the gender until week 21--- which is the first weekend of July. So there you go.

I noticed that I have had a little more energy....as in I haven't needed to take a nap every single day. I even noticed that I didn't have to get up to pee last night! Usually I have to make 2-3 trips. The neverending thirst is a teeny bit better, and the nasty taste is taking days off now. That's kind of nice. I'm hoping this is the week where I see marked improvement.

I noticed a new symptom for the last two days. I know this is going to sound ridiculous -- but it feels like there is something down there. By "down there" I mean below the belly button and not in the stomach. It's gets really uncomfortable to sit a certain way after awhile, or lay a certain way. It's not a sharp pain, not a cramp, it's...uncomfortable at times. I don't really feel it today, but I did feel it ALOT on Saturday and last night. And yes, I know that there is something there, but I haven't felt any differently in the abdomen region, well, until this past weekend.

Also, I cannot believe I am week 15! I mean, whenever I saw those signatures from other PIAF (pregnant after infertility) women in support groups, I would just marvel at how far they were. It seemed like a fuzzy kind of goal, like -- maybe one day I would get there. They seemed so mature and wise to my little single digit week self. Now look, here I am. I have to admit I have never really even dreamed of the 20's! (knocking on wood). I can't wait. :D On the other hand, it still doesn't feel like I am wise, or full of advice for the newly pregnant. Sigh.

Last but not least, I did take my 14 and half week photo last Thursday and have been meaning to make some kind of montage or section in the gallery for belly shots. Maybe tomorrow. I do have a dentist appointment though -- that might put a kabash on my mood.

One more thing - I bought my first Bacon Bit type thing (as in this might really happen and I got it not from second hand or on loan but for the actual purpose of Bacon Bit) and it was a Pregnancy Countdown book that so far I am finding very enjoyable.

This morning I wanted some cinnamon rolls, but since I really wasn't in the mood to walk to the grocery store, I remembered I had a package of cheap biscuits! You know you can get those refrigerated biscuits for 39 cents at Woodmans (we get generic).

Anyway, I am sure most of you know the following recipe. But in case you didn't, I thought I would share.

Cheap Donuts

1. Get a small saucepan and but in enough grease that equals to about an inch melted (saves on grease this way).

2. Open refrigerated biscuits. Take out one and poke hole in middle.

3. Fry in grease until golden brown on both sides.

4. Take out and toss in bowl of prepared cinnamon sugar (about 1 cup sugar and as many shakes of the cinnamon shaker as you like -- I like cinnamony sugar). Coat both sides. Put on paper napkin or plate afterward.

5. Continue making the rest the same way.

6. Good luck not eating them all in 2 minutes.

Man, I wish my Mom had known about this recipe when I was a kid. Just think of all the fresh donuts I could have scarfed down for cheap.

WHEN in the second trimester am I supposed to really start feeling better? Maybe because I felt fine up until week 8 - I'm behind two weeks in symptoms. Maybe I'll start really feeling awesome during week 17?

Sigh.

After this I am going to bed. This day is done.

I drove Pluto the vet (I am now trying to drive everywhere so that I can get as much practice driving the car as I can since I am going to be getting my license (on an automatic) some time in the next month or three depending on the waiting list and when I can get in). He got some shots and had another x-ray to check on the development of his foot. It was fine. Apparently, it would seem at this point, that he doesn't not have bone cancer but more likely a bone spur.

Big sigh of relief. If he has more problems in the future then we will take him back for another x-ray and then send the xrays out to certified radiologists to have a looksee. Until then we are on the wait and see plan. :D

My Mom ended up writing me a letter apologizing too and said that she loved the afghan I made. I did take photos of it, so I will try uploading those tomorrow. I had the highest intentions of uploading some photos today but Bacon Bit just wouldn't allow it. Tomorrow....

And speaking of which, I have my first intake visit at the OB with the nurses. I hope it isn't long and drawn out, and that I get to schedule the "Big Ultrasound" appointment.

What else? Oh! Apparently I am still a member of the Ho-Chunk Alumni Board! Holy cow! I emailed an rsvp saying I would show up at the event for the Labor Day powwow -- and I got recruited to do welcoming and stuff "as a board member." Wow, no one told me. I don't even hear from them anymore. I mean nothing. Nada. Zip. I'm a little nervous about going because I'll be alone and surrounded by a bunch of people I don't know -- but at least we all have higher education in common... That means we are spending the night at my Dad's which he is very happy about it, and Pluto is spending the night at a friends house for the first time.

This weekend we are dog sitting Jack and taking him with us (and Pluto) to march in the Children's parade in Stoughton for the Syttende Mai festival. Ahh, I love the Norwegians (I have a big soft spot for Scandinavian countries). Maybe I'll look me up some authentic rosemaling for the kitchen....

Dear Pinstripe Pants,

When we first met, I was madly in love with you. I wanted to hang out with you all the time. You made me feel skinny, sexy, confident and cool. I guess all good things must come to an end right? I know it was risky going out with you, I knew that when I bought you there was chance that my life might change, however I was tired of living off of "what if" and "maybe" so I threw caution to wind and searched high and low for you before finally finding you at at JC Penny's.

We have had good times together, you and I. I have gotten so many compliments by your mere presence that it was struggle not to want to wear you every day! Lately though, I have been feeling like our relationship has changed. I get it, you're hip, you're modern, you are medium low rise and aren't gonna change your ways no matter what.

It's hard to come out and say it, but I feel like you are constricting me. You aren't giving me the room I need to grow, and your embrace is almost painful. It's with regret that I suggest we take some time apart. You know? Take time to breath, and maybe even see other pants.

I think we should try to remain friends though, let's give it some time and hook up in the new year. I wish you all the best.

Love,

Laura

After three and half years of healthy eating and living, oodles of good vibes from a great support community, the use of magic crystals and vitamins, great timing, our vast love for one another, and ... oh yeah...the assistance of a highly qualified team of medical professionals and endocrinologists, we are expecting a baby due in November. Infertility is a long, often lonely, difficult road to navigate and one I wish none of my friends will ever experience. That said, I will refrain from going into detail regarding it, but I just wanted to let you know that if you DO ever experience it or think you are (one in ten couples will), you can talk to me. :D Heck, if you are even at that stage of TTC (trying to conceive) you can talk to me, I have lots of knowledge in this area. Trust me.

Proof of Life:

March 2: Positive EPT test from Hilary. But I don't trust it. (12dpo)
March 3: Positive First Response (13 dpo)
March 5: 1st Beta = 194
March 8: 2nd Beta = 819
March 19: 1st ultrasound confirms a single, uterine pregnancy and a heart beat! (6 weeks)

April 3: 2nd ultrasound - confirms baby, aka Bacon Bit is still alive and doing well. Heartbeat rated at 180. (8w1d) I graduate from the RE's office and am sent packing into the regular world of OBGYN's.

April 16: First appointment with OB Coordinator. Heard the heartbeat for the first time. (10w)

April 20: 3rd ultrasound for OB to have measurements/confirmation. Tim was there, we both saw Bacon Bit move little armlets and leglets. Heartbeat 175. (10w4d)

May 9: My rental doppler arrives, after two tries I find Bacon Bit's heartbeat on my own 162-168.

May 14 (today): We announce Bacon Bit's impending arrival. (14 weeks even)

May 18: Next appointment with the NC's at the OB office. I don't know when I'll meet the elusive OB.

Symptoms

My biggest symptom so far has been the complete lack of motivation to do anything other than sit on the couch and worry, watch TV, surf the internet and crochet. A close second is the tiredness, and huge amounts of sleep I have collected through numerous naps. Tied for third, we have an epic battle between desperate thirst and a constant need to use the bathroom. I have had nausea starting in weeks 9 - 14 that hits most often an hour after breakfast, and between 4-8 (it only adds to the lack of motivation, trust me). In addition to that, I can get full on a few bites of food and not be hungry for hours and hours afterwards. That said you can rest assured that no letters have been written, the house has been neglected and things just aren't getting done. I'm hoping the second trimester energy myth is true.

Other things: with this weakened immune system I was subjected to the worse case of stomach bug to have ever existed (and I suffered through it medicine free!), I pulled a groin muscle that has never hurt before, I have lots of food aversions - namely peanut butter (mostly in the beginning), chocolate, coffee, diet coke, ham, special K with chocolate bits (the only thing that made me barf), and for a few weeks there, a consistently bad taste in my mouth (it was not metallic as they all say but more ....chalky), boobs are up a cup size and veiny. I have acne and red face like a teenager, I started to have vivid, lifelike boring dreams from about week 9 on --gone are my apocalyptic, good versus evil epics. I have a constantly stuffy nose and lately, I am suffering from headaches again. :( I had hoped to have rid of them.

I'm really looking forward to the day when I will truly savor eating again. I know what I want to eat. It will be good. It will be so delicious I will remember it for years to come, and I will get the full that you get when you are full of good food, instead of the full that you get because the food has hit the wall and every bite from now on is in danger of barfdom.

What Do We Think of All This?

We are very happy, excited, nervous, cautious, distant --- we haven't really let it sink in yet. There are often times that I don't even really believe it's true myself, and now I have reached that zone in the pregnancy where I am not yet really showing but I am starting to feel better, so it's even easier to not believe. We waited until Mother's Day weekend to let our family know - and by family I only mean the parents and a few siblings. Since we previously experienced a miscarriage (two years ago) it made it easier to keep a secret and wait. I wonder if letting the cat out of the bag will make it seem more real, though several of my infertility/pregnancy peeps say it becomes real when you feel the baby move, to when it's born.

What is "Bacon Bit" all about?

Everyone comes up with nicknames -- the usual fare include things like "peanut, pumpkin seed, apple seed, seed, baby, lil'bit, creature, parasite, etc." My first actual idea for a name was Babyhoff -- but Tim hated it. A week or two later Bacon Bit flipped into my head and it seemed so, very right (and Tim agreed). Therefore, Bacon Bit it is.

Are you going to find out the sex?

Yes we are. It is going to a surprise to us at 20ish weeks as it would be if waited until November. However if you feel really strongly about the "surprise factor" will be sure to not tell you so that it will be a surprise to you! :D

Are you going to do any genetic testing (Nuchal fold scan, CF, Amniocentesis, CVS)?
No.

Are you going to just talk about pregnancy stuff now?

Yes, actually -- but I already have been. I have another, very personal journal in which I discuss quite a few things. Requirements include: being female, and preferably in the same stage of life I am at, or I know you personally and trust you. However, I will start talking about it here, but only as an addition to my life, and I may even share belly photos with you once in awhile.

Did I miss anything?

Yesterday we were total ownership nerds. We went to a Greyhound appreciation day at Bad Dog Frida -- and at it's peak there were about 25 dogs (plus their owners) crammed into that little store! Pluto had some doggie cake and LOVED it. He went back for seconds, and even tried to help some other dogs finish their pieces. We left after about 45 minutes because I had made the mistake the eating sunchokes earlier.

Sunchokes I learn today, are very difficult to digest for some people and can cause lots of gas. Apparently I am one of those people. It is said to eat them in moderation until you learn how they work in your system. I'm pretty sunchoke shy right about now, so I don't know how much moderation I am going to be doing. Tim has no problems with them however.

After that, we brought Pluto home and headed out to a Scion owner event at Jon Lancaster. We arrived, ate some snacks, looked at the new Scion and decided that it was nice, but not worth trading in our car for a car that has less gas mileage (even if it is automatic). Tim won a raffle -- some kind of invisible armor for your Ipod, phone or other little hand held electronic device, and then we all hopped in our cars to do a Scion show off -- in which about 15-20 of us got in our scions and all took a big loop around town, driving together.

At first it felt ridiculous. Like we a bunch of nerds .... but then somewhere along the way the foolishness turned into fun. I can't explain why it was fun, but it was. Maybe because we had never done something like that before. In any case, we headed home skipping Barnes and Nobles because we forgot to print out this weeks discount coupons.

Last night we watched Superman Returns and I almost fell asleep twice in it. BORING! The stupid flight with Lois, the beating up of Sup's was just updated scenes from Superman 1 and 2. Sheesh, get a little imagination folks! And why did Lois look like she was 16? That sucked.

This week I want to go and see 28 Weeks Later, because you all know how much I love zombie flicks.

Folks, I would LOVE to set up an RSS feed, but I don't know how.

I even asked once a while back and no one responded so I figured it wasn't important.

Anyone? A little help? Email me at hadjare at gmail dot com

I wrote a draft of a letter to my Mom that apologized for calling Josh names, and gently scolding her for telling him (as I know she did because you know, misery loves company and my Mom LOVES to spread misery), I explained why I lost my temper and then said I didn't want to discuss it any further because I don't want the stress. I then suggested we refrain from talking on the phone for awhile. I don't lose my temper in letters....it's the phone that is my downfall.

I went on to say I felt she puts a lot of pressure on me to cheer them all up and how I'm human and ultimately I am not responsible for their happiness. I said I care about them and wish they weren't always so sick, miserable, depressed and sad and then went on to discuss some other news. It was short and brief and when I write it out it should be just a two pager. I decided to still send a card and the afghan (after I take a picture of me holding it for you guys!) and just include the letter. There is no point in hurting her feelings more. It wouldn't gain me anything and it won't gain her anything. I cannot change how they are, and nothing I say or do will ever have any impact -- therefore I should not feel guilty, frustrated or angry. Just accept it, set my boundaries and move on.

I made a salad and spaghetti for dinner tonight, I also did a load of laundry, hung it out to dry, put away other laundry, cleaned the bathroom, did the dishes...it was one of the most productive days in a long time! Having nice weather certainly helps matters, if you ask me.

Oh time to feed the cats before they start a riot.

Lastly, my leg is starting to feel better. I can walk on it now without looking funny, I can sit without pain but sneezing, couching, lifting it or moving suddenly still hurts. Still it's much better than Sunday.

I know, I know, one of the main rules of Blogging 101 is:

1. Don't talk about family problems because honestly, no one cares but you.

That said.

I went outside and had a little fire going burning some of the the brush. It was nice and warm and now I smell awesome! After awhile I decided it was time to water our roll out garden by the pump that Tim rehedged. I wanted to try out the new watering can we had...anyway. It was after that and I was going back inside to start stage two of the Black Radish salad that I noticed "ouch, what the fuck is wrong with my leg?"

Some of you may remember that my left leg has never been the same after my back operation in 2000. Well usually it gets fatigued if I really work on it or do things like pilates or some kicks. But constant work can strengthen the muscles around it. Well all of a sudden the entire groin leg muscle thing in that area is making it nigh impossible to walk, let alone sit quietly.

Maybe I should put some ice on it? It doesn't feel like a specific pain in general but the whole area is just...so....hurty. I hope it goes away by tomorrow because otherwise all that walking is going to make it worse.

You know what I need to do? I need to distance myself from that mess called my family again. I need to remind myself that I am not responsible for their happiness or a piggy bank for their end of the month medical emergencies (...really, learning they spent $200 a month on tobacco really stung...). I hate that they my call my younger brother James (who lives in town and won't give them money whenever they ask for it) names like: stingy, greedy, money bags, etc.

"We asked James, but you know how he is so stingy."

I hate having this pressure that I must always remember every single one of their birthdays, anniversaries, holidays -- etc. I can't just forget. I will get reminders from them every single letter and phone call "How come you forgot _____?" A few times I just sent a card. Well you know that isn't enough, I should have also sent a present, a gift or money. They start looking forward to my visits a year in advance. In January they will say "You're coming for Christmas right?"

They don't mind losing Thanksgiving, but Christmas? Oh my god, don't even contemplate it!

Having the constant pressure of being the only bright spot in their life blows. It's not for me, thanks. I'm tired of being the dumping ground for all of their problems. Because that is all they ever are ... problems. How sick they are. How poor they are. How depressed they are. How oppressed they are. How it isn't fair. How everyone is out to get them. What medications they are one. Who else is sick. All the shitty things that ever happened to them.

I am not the solution. I am human and have faults too -- only they don't want to believe that anymore.

So I got a letter from my Mom today telling me how ashamed she is of me calling my brother a retard and then went on to explain how bright, smart and capable he struggled through high school and graduated. Okay fine. I was angry and went overboard in calling him names. However, her only defense for his being the way he is is because (can you guess?): he's lazy.

Yeah. I guess lazy is a medical condition that I should respect because he can't help himself. Not only that, but it's one that I should financially support even though he'll do his best to fuck it up.

She also said "He looked up to you."

Well if he did then there is no evidence that looking up to me did any good in his life. He might has well look up to some celebrity. If this is what being a role model produces, then I don't want to be a role model.

Anyway. I guess I have a few days to think about it. My Mom and that family are the sort of folks that like to hold a grudge. I hate that I am constantly put on a different level than they are where they expect so much more. I don't want it.

Yeah. So of course you know how I feel right now, I did finish the afgan and totally don't want to send it now for Mother's Day, and I feel slightly bad that I would like to use this an excuse to not talk to them for months at a time. Starting now.

This morning I am going to have lunch with Hilary, Leta and Mina at Original Pancake House. Yummy! I can't wait. What do I want to eat? Hmm. The problem is, when I prethink about what I want to eat, it always happens that when I finally get there, I realize "hey I don't want that after all....I'm gonna eat ____" Then when I eat _____ I realize "Damn, I should have gotten what I came for."

I am sure that happens to all of us though. Right?

I made the mistake of calling my Mom to see if Josh passed his physical. Apparently, he's borderline and next week - the 8th I believe. He is going to get one one more test -- a breathing test before they do this operation to take out all of his wisdom teeth and the entire upper row of teeth. They are all rotten and causing him extreme pain. If has one "one little wheeze" the operation is off. The doctor is gone for 4 months and there goes his chance to have this done and paid for -- which is VERY hard because he's on medicaid and no one takes medicaid. It took my Mom over a year to get him to this point...so what is he doing the week before this very important breathing test?

He's still smoking like a fucking chimney and surrounding himself by cats. He's very allergic to cats so they are constantly aggravating him but he won't give up his favorite cat. Oh no. The smoking? Well Mom had a bad flare up of emphysema three days ago and had to go to the hospital to get treated. Since then she has quite smoking. Of course instead of supporting my Mom in her lastest attempt to quit -- he's still smoking. I bet he's also teasing her (I've seen him do this) with things like "Wouldn't it be nice to have a smoke mom?" as he smokes in front of her. Can I even describe to you how much disgust I have at his total lack of ... fill in the effin' blank. Everything!

I got so mad I gave up on them. The whole conversation was how bad my Mom's breathing was, how sick she still is from the flu she got last month, how rotten Josh is doing, etc etc. I finally just started saying "That's great!"

At one point she said "The doctor said that was the highest level of CO that he's ever seen." (in regards to her emphysema)

"Congratulations!" I said cheerfully.

"Yeah..." she started and stopped, confused "Wait, carbon dioxide? That isn't good."

"But you got the highest level ever! Congratulations!" I repeated enthusiastically. "I have to go walk the dog now, talk to you later."

I guess what gets me the most is that Josh is such a .... blah! I mean I asked her "What has he done for himself in the last five years. Name one thing."

"Uh," she struggled for a several, long seconds, "He saved up money to buy himself stuff."

Stuff? I'll tell you dear readers, that stuff is a playstation 3 and video games to go with it. The last time he got new clothes was when I gave them to him at Christmas. I can't tell you the time before that.

"Stuff doesn't count," I said.
"Uh, he's trying to take care of teeth problem," she replied.

"No he isn't," I said. "You did it all and he's been fighting you every step of the way. Including right now when he's still smoking. He doesn't care. He's a fucking retard."

"What?!" She said upset. "He's not a retard. You don't really think that do you?"

"Well if he isn't a retard then he's definitely mentally crazy and fit only for life in an institution. What is he gonna do is something ever happens to you? He can't take a shower for three fucking months....that should give you a clue. Homeless crazy people take better care of themselves!" (Do I even need to mention he doesn't cook or make his own meals, pay bills, do anything????)

She got really mad at that and told me that he's smart, he just "doesn't care to do anything" and that "he's lazy." (She said like it's a long time joke.)

"Well okay," I replied with a forced laugh "I guess that it. He's just lazy and doesn't care too. I guess that makes everything OK!"

I think it was then that I started my conversion to being happy about every rotten thing they bring upon themselves because "that is just the way it is."

So there you have it. That is just the way it is. I guess that is a good enough reason to do anything, or in the case of my family NOT do anything.

-----

Two more things, she was spending over $200 a month on smoking. Secondly, I had no idea she had emphysema -- apparently she was diagnosed with it in 2002! Holy cow!

--emphysema
--depression
--diabetes
--high blood pressure
--high cholesterol
--constant pain
--two strokes on record
--two heart attacks on record

Sigh.

Is this what it looks like when you give up on life? When you aren't the reason for your failures because 'that is just the way it is?'

I need to stop now before I depress myself.

Happy May Day!

I read The Post Man this past weekend. It was really good, a page turner that encouraged me to read it in a weekend. I also finished reading Phillip Dick's collection of stories and now I need another trip to the library. Perhaps tonight.

I dug up my garden area this weekend. You know turned it up, hoed it...and added some fertilizer. Just gotta let it sit for a week while we decide what flowers we are going to put in it. I do want to make one section of it into a rhubarb patch. I LOVE rhubarb and it always seems such a chore to find it in the summer. Since the rhubarb I'm planting won't produce any fruit I'll have to rely on my secret weapon (Amy's patch) and Woodman's. :D Hey that reminds me, this weekend our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) starts this weekend. It's going to be mostly root vegetables, but that's okay. I welcome fresh vegetables.

I have to go to the store today to pick up a few things like soy milk, bread, french bread for pizza...though maybe I should just make a home made pizza -- that has better leftovers than french bread pizza. But then we had frozen pizza last night, which I know is not the same thing but it is called the same. I should think of something else for dinner. Hm. Glorified mac and cheese (ground turkey and onions added)? That might be okay.

Anyway, so the Postman. I really, really liked it! It makes me wonder if Waterworld is any good. Just because Costner bumbled the movies doesn't mean that that books are bad. Ever notice how he has a thing for apocalyptic, loner type scenarios?

Just for the record, I don't expect to find any sort of basket filled with flowers on my doorstep today. There just aren't enough kids in my neighborhood to do that.

It's looking like a beautiful day! I might go out and start to dig up a small patch of earth where I want to plant some wildflowers. On the side of house by the garage .. actually it's that patch of yard that merge's into the (now gone) Hippy neighbor's house from the drive way. I figure I could put something in there....for us? Hm.

I'm worried about planting wildflowers because you know...I can't tell flowers from weeds. I might just end up growing a big patch of weeds.