So last night we went to see War of the Worlds -- and it was great! Except for the ending...which I can just pretend ended in a different spot, but I won't mention what spot it was for fear of ruining it for you. I think my favorite quote of the night was from Tim saying "There comes a time everyone's life that something must be done about Tim Robbins."

Ha ha.

Yeah. So.

Yesterday I was chastized by a ten year old for not wearing head protection while riding bike, and at the same time his father threw in that my shoes (sandals) were inappropriate bike gear as well.

Dang. But after reading about an acquaintance wiping out on his bike -- maybe I *should* start to wear the stupid thing. I mean I have it. It's hanging up in the stairs to the basement.

If only it didn't feel so dumb. If I had grown up doing it, it might be a different story.

God, I am like those old people that don't wear seatbelts.

It's been a week in which I had to use my brain and think about difficult things. Sometime I don't want to think about heavy things such as: the meaning of my life or those I know, the purpose of it all, is there a god, what is death, and what are we? Wait, did I say sometimes? Okay, I mean most of the time.

Really, I would much rather NOT think about it because whenever I do think about it, it means something is probably askew. Happy people don't think.

So yeah, I had my mother to visit -- I often examine her life. She is my mother after all. I try to imagine her life at my age and then apply what I have learned so far, to her future. Or I just try to imagine her own state of being and then inevitably, I can see her future creeping in, eroding the person she was into another creature entirely. I can see crushing depression, alcoholic significants, poverty, greed, children, bad luck, a brief two years of happiness on a farm, a break down, etc. etc. What am I going to think when I look back to where I am right now?

Already where I am is a lot farther then I ever thought it would be. To be honest, I rarely think of where I would be in the first place. I can't tell you what I want in five years because I don't really know, and I guess that is the root of my philosophic tendencies right now. I don't feel like I have ever actually done anything on purpose -- more like I have done things because they seemed like a good idea at the time.

Why do we keep having to reinvent ourselves? Why can't I just be happy with what is going on right now? I have had a tingling -- mere static bursts of thoughts, that I should be working on something else. Sometime significant. Something worthwhile (and thus invalidating everything I am currently doing right now? Or just in addition?). I feel like a starving woman in a free pastry shop, not eating anything because all the beautiful delicacies look so good.

Is it arrogant to think that I could be a valuable resource to something? My whole life has been filled with golden opportunities. Chance that comes my way when I am looking. What does one do when it seems like chance has retired? Should I finally cash into that savings account that Lady Fortune as built up in me and invest? In what?

I just want someone, something, a great big ol' cosmic sign with a diagram of what I should be doing to come upon me. My free will is burdened with cobwebs and the expectation of significant others.

This weekend, after we dropped of my Mother and fled the scene, I was reminded of a bargain. To put it simply, I have one year to find a job that makes a shit load of money, save the world, or do something significant. One year. It's a depressing thought when you realize for one, I won't be able to find a job that pays more than 30K a year. Yes, I could go to school. Perhaps that IS the answer -- but I won't be making 30K a year and the house will have to be sold. Then that isn't even considering what the hell I would go to school for AND that it wouldn't occur until next fall 2006.

If it was dreamland then I would get my masters in handicrafts. I also like the idea of cultural anthropology -- but what would you do with that? I guess I wouldn't mind teaching at community college. And who would let me in? I only have a gpa of 2.9 -- the curse of Madison. Anywhere else and I would have gotten over a 3.0 easy. And taking the GRE is an nigh an impossibility -- I suck at tests. But maybe I should just suck it up and pick something and do it.

Later...

But really -- what do I think I am good at...really have the potential to excel at? I feel like I have some kind of skill in leadership. Now, what do you do with that? I suppose I should look around. This is something I could be passionate about. Yes, I will do that.

In the meantime I can still craft -- slowly. I need to update websites -- all of which is insignificant. I could also work on writing...I do love to do that. I guess writing for blogs isn't really considered to be "important" writing. Especially when it is all about yourself. And then there is TKD -- eventually working towards and hopefully getting a black belt seems like a certification to me.

Yeah. So. I guess I just needed to write about it. Writing = figuring things out. Organizing ideas.

And so ... this last week, I met up with an old high school mate. In reality, I don't think I ever actually spoke with him much. We danced once in 5th or 6th grade for our square dancing final. But it was nice to get together and just chat. I didn't feel uncomfortable or hate it and I don't think he did either -- so maybe we'll do it again. It would certainly be nice to have another activity partner in Madison.

I had a social Thursday -- Roberta, Hilary, Mina and Gecko came over or lunch. We had chicken salad and rhubarb pie. I wasn't as happy with that crust as I should have been. It was a nice afternoon. Later that night, Sarah came with brownies and Laima rode bike over and we all chatted for a few hours. Now THAT was nice. I haven't had a chance to just sit and visit with these two ladies in such a long time. Those visits remind me of why we are friends -- even if we do get a little separated by time and other obligations.

My brother Andrew is now with us for two weeks. Have I ever mentioned what a great kid he is? He is. He awesome. Smart, kind, polite, compassionate, interesting, he listens and does things when you ask him.

On Sunday, Andrew and I went with my new friend David to the Badger State Martial arts tournament. It wasn't quite what I expected -- I expected more people for one. I also expected more women to participate -- adult women, not teenagers. It was also HOT. I felt like I was melting. So at the conclusion, David and I said we should go next year. Sure...lets see if we actually do that. I would be game -- why not? Nothing else is barring me. And just a side note -- he unlocked AND opened the car door for me when we were coming back! What chivalry -- I can't remember the last time that happened. :)

We bought Hunter the Reckoning -- and have been playing that coop the past two nights. It's okay, very Diablo style.

Alright, alright, I feel like this was a long, personal post. I should end it here.

I want to be creative, I really do. But right now it just isn't there. And yet I also want to write down what I have been doing, but I promise not to mention a single household chore.

The week with my mother went quite fast after the Monday hump. I think she had a great time and she definitly went back with a bunch more stuff.

Wait, you know what? I got books to read. I should just update this when I am at work tomorrow. Afterall, that is what work is for, right?

Tonight I finished In the Garden of Eden by Kage Baker. It was good -- a romance in an unexpected place. Onto Red Mars by Kim Robinson...I think. Don't quote me on that.

Fuck consolidating student loans, vacuuming, making appointments and organizing shit. I know what you really want, and that's pictures. So I devoted a chunk of time updating Week in Pictures.

Some times being with family is hard. My mother is hard. She has little social grace, she lives like a roman emperor and knows no boundaries. Everything is excess. I can't offer choice, I have to only offer ....exacts. Otherwise the bad choice will always be made.

I am starting to worry about my friends meeting her. She is a difficult person (very nice though!) because of how she looks, and some of her mannerisms ... I can't describe it. I am beginning to feel like the reason anyone would want to meet her is because they think she is the early version of me -- which isn't the case. We are very, very different. We have crafts in common, and varied interests -- so maybe 20 - 30 years ago when she was my age, we might have been very similar -- but time has changed much of that.

She requires a lot of patience. I had the thought yesterday that I must be like my Dad. That you never know when he might yell at you. But I am not yelling, I am saying things plainly. Things that need to be said like "You cannot eat only sweet things. Your blood sugar is low because you haven't eaten anything, and there is sugar in food," and "you cannot leave the back door wide open while you are smoking when the central air is on," and "you should drink at least a cup of water and not just Diet Coke all day long."

Her leg is pretty bad. I mean, yesterday we went to Borders which I realized was a bad idea right away. She can't stand for long and everything at Borders is very, expensive. Anything over a dollar is expensive is just outrageous. So we went to Target to look at the bins. She ended up getting some glitter glue, felt and stickers for 11 dollars (very extravagant), and I bought her a pair of pants and T-shirt. Luckily Target had a wheelchair so I was able to push her around and let her look at things.

I can't help but to see everything she sees -- like I did when I was a teenager and didn't know any better. I know she is going to go home and talk about all the fun and exciting things she did, and how rich we are, like:

1. Ordering Little Ceaser's pizza.
2. Buying 15 dollars worth of clothes at Target (the pants and t-shirt)
3. Buying coffee at a drive through
4. Eating homemade Burritos
5. Apple slices and peanut butter
6. How nice and clean my house is
7. Fancy shower curtain
8. Clean guest room with a desk, quilts, etc
9. My HUGE collection of beads, paper, stamps, etc -- I know she wants them. She wants these things for the sake of having them. I have to be careful not to say "Take whatever you need" because of that excess thing -- she will take all she can carry. I will put together a little packet for her at the end of the week with some leather, beads, thread, paper, cards, etc..
10. The weird way we make coffee (french press)

I guess what I am saying here is that the folks who said they would meet her (Sarah, Heather, Hilary, Liama and Roberta) you can back out if you want too. She is going to make you feel uncomfortable and I just want to give you fair warning.

However if you can handle social discomfort, then I know she would love the company and most certainly the attention. I am not ashamed of her. I just want you to be warned.

Eric, I must publicly apologize for silently (and maybe sometimes not so silently) mocking you about your devotion to the George Foreman Grill. When I first met you were constantly throwing chicken on to that grill, with the occasional pork chops.

I came by mine via Matt last Christmas. He dug it out from underneath his sink and shoved it towards me, pulling back at the last moment when he realized it was covered in grease soaked dust. Hurriedly he scrubbed the top and talked about he used to use it all the time, but that since he got married he got a bigger and better one. Thus, the puny old one was passed on to us.

Well I took it home and put it on the far side of the table. Sometime later it migrated underneath the table, and eventually I moved it to the extra appliance cupboard and forgot about it.

Winter melted into spring and spring blossomed into summer. Two weeks ago, I started to bring my bike to work so that I could ride home afterward. While loading the bike into the Scion noticed a light purple, plastic piece laying in the back.

"It's part of that George Foreman grill," Tim said.
"Oh," I replied and let it lay. I sure as hell wasn't going to be needing that any time soon.

Last week it was hot. I didn't want to turn on the AC because I was and still am enjoying the heat. I am 100% positive that only Koopa and I are appreciating it right now.

"What should I do for dinner? There are those pork chops...but it's too hot to turn on the oven..."

"And we don't have any charcoal," Tim reminded me.

"Well then..." I hesitated, trying to think of another alternative.

"What about the George Foreman grill?" Tim suggested.

"What about it?" I envisioned it, laying on it's side behind the dog's water dish in the deep, dark cupboard.

"Use that," he said and turned up the volume on the TV.

"Okay." Fine. I was going to try it. I went out to the car, got the piece, brought it and realized that it was broken. Still, I tried to stuff it on the top of the grill, but since it is broken the bun warmer flops open when you flip it up. I took out the chops, sprinkled some seasoning on them and slapped them into the grill and plugged it in. In less than 10 minutes, I had thoroughly cooked chops with no fat all ready to eat.

No extra heat. No extra dishes. No extra fat. Less electricity used.

So yeah, Eric -- I take back all those mocking thoughts about you and your obsessive devotion to your George Foreman grill. However, I retain the right to make fun of your .... ahhh.....crap. What else is left?

Working like a ... ah... well working everday takes a toll on how fast things around the house get done, that's for sure.

Big news is -- it's my Mom's birthday today ... AND she is coming to visit me for a week. On Saturday we are driving up to Menonomie to pick her up and take her back for a week. I can't tell you just how excited she is about this. This is her first real trip ...as long as I have known her. The last time she was in Madison--or had even left town was back in 2000 when I broke my back and Shane drove her down. Before that was 1998 when Shane drove her and Josh to our wedding and I paid for a two nights at a hotel.

But this is going to be the first time she has ever seen the house, and stayed with me. It seems like a normal thing for many of my peers -- that their parents visit all the time, but for me, it's just so unusual.

Anyway, so I am making up two of the three days lost so far by working every day this week. Then I will make up the other two (memorial and 4th of july) sometime in July. That way I can be home on my usual days off while Mom is visiting.

I planned a lunch next Thursday with my friend Roberta (at my place), you wanna come Hilary? Take in mind that she very well might cancel (very typical) so there will surely be food. :) And beside I really want to see Leta RUN!

I am slowly working my way through the massive pile of things to do: I have written five letters (at least two a day), hung up a mirror (only three tries and a lot of wall putty to cover up the oops), hung up some more pictures, changed the shower curtain, did some whites, cleaned off the desk, half cleaned/put away crap on my desk, am working on the guest room, reading books, and a thousand other minutia.

There was something else I wanted to say...what was it?

Bartertown? Huh? I don't get it.

Crap. I have my bike today and it looks like storms about the time I would go home. Maybe it will go a way in an hour or storm and be done with it.

Maybe. More when I get home (if I get home and not get electromocuted).

So we are gearing up for this weekend -- and of course after a stressful week -- and not really knowing how this weekend was going to work -- the DH and I got into a "maritial spat" on the drive to work this morning. At least that is what my coworker referred to it as. Ha ha, she said "Those first seven years are hard ... and then when you have kids too."

I guess after August we are in the clear for awhile huh? Haha. She further went on to clarify "I guess after that you get pretty good at ignoring each other."

Hehe.

Of course we made up -- there is no real point in fighting for long, is there? No one wins. But it did remind me though of a friend I used to have -- they thought that once you got married it was supposed to perfect harmony and bliss forever and ever. I wonder if that kind of marriage has ever existed? At least where the two people involved still loved each other and lived in the same house that is.

---

Thanks for the vacuum and dish thoughts Zoey -- it was nice even if for pretend. I ended up doing a lot last night. Man did I get a crap load of things done. I took out all the cat saturated pee stuff in the basement, swept and bleached the basement floor, cleaned the clogged drains (in basement), went to Ace to try and find some kind of plumbers glue to fix the corroded faucet ... they said I needed to replace the whole thing. Easier said than done! I don't know how to turn water off. :( Later on I tried taping it -- failed. Then gum -- failed. Then more tape -- failed. Sigh.

I also got some pesticide for the rose bush, books from the library and pink nail polish and pinwheels from walgreens. I also did dishes, cleaned the kitchen and living room and put things away, wrote three pages of letter and managed to make dinner and watch "the Village" - --(boring!)

----

Brother in law Phil is getting hitched this weekend, also it's the first camping trip of the year. And it's Hilary's birthday and I don't know what to get her yet. :(

Back. It was a funeral, as traditional funerals go. Thank you for all the well wishing.

I got to meet a few cousins that had lived or are living in Madison -- one of them on the red eagle side actually live in my side of town! Exciting. I also took the opportunity to write down and try to learn some more Hocak with my Dad. Writing these things down phonetically is hard. But I made sure to go over them a day or two later to make sure I could understand my own notes.

Also I heard that another immersion camp was going on at the powwow grounds. Huh.

I had a really long talk with my Choka Don. It was great because he puts things into perspective. Over all, I learned a lot this weekend. It was especially great to finally meet my cousin Bryon -- I always kind of thought we would get along.

Hilary came by and we went to that All Natural Willie Street coop -- my first time there. Mina does NOT like that place, and mere seconds after a warning from Hilary that she doesn't like that place, she started to throw a tantrum. I picked her up and carried her throughout the store looking at all the all natural, organic, expensive hippie stuff. We did end up buying some ice coffee ourselves, and a soymilk for Mina. We drank outside in their little garden place -- enjoying the heat. Okay, maybe I enjoyed the heat more than they did. Then we came back to my place (cos they dont' seem to mind the mess but appreciated the central air) to look at some of the stuff I brought back and get suggestions on where to put it.

Blast. What a mess this place is. I slept until 12:30 today -- but man did I need it. Especially with only four hours of sleep yesterday morning.

Anyone want to come over and help me clean?

Big birds in the back yard are never good signs. I even have a picture of it. A baby crow that stayed around for almost 24 hours with it's parents cawing loudly above. Or maybe it is nothing.

What is something is that my remaining Cheunie will not survive the end of this day.