I don't feel so hot today.

I was up until one o clock last night, due in part to sleeping for three hours after I got home. I guess I needed the rest. I hopped onto the computer and caught up with email. Downloaded five months worth of messages and sorted it. Tim made some great spaghetti with italian sausage, and we shared one of those hostess cupcakes. It was good.

No mail. Again. o.0

And for news on the whole Madison job thing, check out Tim's Journal. He is more willing that I am to talk about it.

It looks like rain. Last night I read the short story Coelacanths by Robert Reed. I found it engaging, and was interested enough to seek the book out, lay down and finish it. Although when I did I was disappointed. I *thought* I knew what was going on, but when I reached the end I felt I didn't. Then I had to know what other people thought of it. Did they make sense of it? What did it mean? I went online.

And found that 70 percent of the folks were like me. Indifferent, or thought the story was incomplete. Of course the other camp are people who obviously have liberal art degrees and are pontificating on the meaning of mustard and rocks. (I.e. they can find meaning in anything). This is one of the only times I really wanted to find out what someone else thought and went online to seek that opinion. I guess I could have made Tim read it, but that would have taken too long.

I wrote four pieces of mail. Finished a letter I had started at the beginning of the month to Hollywood Jen, wrote a post card to Gale saying I would write soon, a handwritten letter to Myrna, and one other thing. We got a postcard from John! He had decided to go to Wyoming because everyone else was busy, and he actually said "fuck it" on the postcard!!!

I commented to Tim "He didn't need to put two stamps on it." Feeling a little like I know something about it, with all my postal business and all.
"Uh," Tim replied. "I think he would know."

I took a breath to argue, and realized....damn. He would know. He is a postman for chrissake. I haven't been shut down in a potential argument in so long. Five words was all it took.

Shoot. I wrote something witty and very amusing. But deleted it. Isn't that typical? Now I am in recap mode.

Friday - watched the Matrix. Ugh. .... and you better make that a double. Followed by Tim running into his former employer! Crazy. Her Cheerio diet is NOT working and I think her stylist is still in junior high. Went home and took the first of a series of important and long naps. Later had dinner at Kate and Eric's (They very generously made burritos...) and then we tried to go to the Hopleaf, but it was full and settled for the Kodiak in stead. Which was okay. Bekah and Greg were with us. I played some pool and kicked Eric's ass. TONS! Okay. Maybe just a little.

Saturday - TV
Sunday - Grocery shopping, Got B5 at Best Buy. You know you have to ask them for it?! Weird. I didn't imagine that the contingent of people that went out looking to steal B5 was that big. Later that night we went to a party at Charlies, via Eric. It was okay. Relaxed. Eric and Kate left early, they were tired. We stayed for a while longer and had another cookie.

Monday: Went to the Jarvis beach and BBQ with Bekah and some others. It was nice. Went home and watched a little B5, then went over for cake and champaign. The cake was fantastic. Seriously some of the best cake since I have had in ages.

All in all it was a weekend were I was able to enjoy spending time with Tim, and take my mind of worries. I even read two ... count them...TWO trashy harlequin romances. It was that kind of a weekend.

TGIF . Baby. At least for me. I am taking tomorrow off and am going to enjoy a four day weekend, here in the city, not feeling guilty about visiting any family that lives seven - 10 hours away, especially since I saw them at Christmas, and I never said I would come to visit and playing Tim and I off against my little brother is not going to work this time. I haven't had four days to myself to spend at home, with no big overarching scheme...in SO long.

To start with. Tomorrow we are going to go and see the Matrix. What's that? I hear so many of you yawn "OH I saw that last week." Um. It has only been out for ONE week. What kind of a lousy society is it that everyone has to watch the move in the first week? How individualistic of us. Incredible how we are consumed with the adverstizing blitz so that we feel that we must see it one week or less, or suffer the consequences of being a bad fan, a uncool person, or just plain lame and old.

Bah.

After that, I don't know what I am going to do. I like that idea.

Holly is taking me and two other co workers out to lunch today. Nice. We just have to decide where to go now, which means *I* have to decide where to go because they "don't care what kind of food it is."

I got a letter from scifi Kim yesterday! It was a really good one, the tone is different that the others and I think her personality came through more. She has now asked me twice for my website. :( I just don't really want to give that out. I like letters in that you learn this stuff eventually.....but then again if I knew she had a website I would be all over it. At least once, just to see what she looks like. Hm.

Have you ever had those times, when you are in an arguement with several people, and attempt to make/contribute a point, and have everyone completely take it the wrong way? I mean, yeah I guess my delivery wasn't as great as it could be, but I didn't mean it the way they interpreted it. Well, when this happens you can either 1. Explain yourself. or 2. Let it go. And in this instance letting it go was the bigger thing to do, to just let it die and move on.

I just hate that I was misunderstood and all I can think about right now is how I would love to explain myself, to Tim, to anyone. However that wouldn't change anything, and in fact would make me feel worse in the end because I lost the struggle to feel as if I must explain myself especially when no one asked.

Fizzletoff.

Aside from that, Tim's brother Phil came into town to visit the Art Institute. Afterward, he and two of his buddies stopped by to visit. We went to the Heartland and had some hippie friendly food, and then stopped at Bekah's on the way to back to visit. Phil decided to spend the night, and his friends said their good bye's and left. Then we had way too much to drink before I finally went home (with Tim) at 1:00 AM.

I had this crazy dream combining X2 fate of the asian girl and SG1's 'Tin Man.' Getting up this morning was hard because I was convinced I was part machine, and well, I was tired. At least I got to sleep in an extra 10 minutes than Tim because he had made an Dr's appointment for the car to have a oil change at 8.30 AM.

With all pokiness in consideration, I made it to work on time today.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my brother Josh. It's his golden birthday.

The swedish Band was pretty good. I was lucky to have even seen the show because, your truly, went and forgot to pack an ID. I showed them my Tribal ID, and after some serious thought my cop said I could go and enjoy the show, but I had to promise not to drink. I promised.

I only snuck a drink or two from Tim's beer cup. :( That kind of sucked. There tons of people from out of town too that all wanted to hang out with us afterward (that rarely ever happens!) and I couldn't go because I didn't have an ID. Although Erika did her best to get me into the smartbar like an underage teenager---I still got booted. So. We went home. I stopped by the Lighthouse for a pity beer, and related my woe to the two other ladies there. It was weird, because one of them was Oneida, and the other was a woman that had worked/lived near pine ridge. She was 27, she is married and her husband is out of town on a business trip, and ..... get this.....she's a crafter!

I know! I stayed until closing time and had more beer than I should have considering I had margarita's before we left for the show.

Sunday I watched lots and lots of SG1. It was great. Absolutely great. I went out for a bit to get money and a Snicker's Ice Cream bar (I love those things), and we later ordered in Chinese. It was a classic slacker day, sitting in my couch nest, knitting, watching TV. We did take a short break to watch One Hour Photo, it was okay. Oh and Saturday morning I forgot to mention we saw X2. It was a good movie. I had no idea that they were coming out with a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie! It is the summer of comic book movies.

I made a rhubarb and strawberry pie last night. It was good with whip cream, but I am also looking forward to cold pie...this pie gets better with age. Yesterday we FINALLY sent in the rest of the Epic buearacratic bullshit. Finally. Madison Media Institute, of course didn't come in again, but through some finess on both Tim and I's part, we got them to fax us a copy of it. The last thing we needed. Tim made it to the post office barely, and I got a ride home. It is nice to not have to worry about it anymore. The ball is no longer in our court, and anything that happens now is not our fault because we ... okay okay... Tim did his best.

I had this dream where I popped a white head, and it was HUGE! Like five straight heavy lines of white clay. I walked around showing people...mainly Tim, who didn't seem very interested in it. I thought that it must have been enough for a world's record, but no body seemed to care.

I forgot to mention, on Sunday afternoon we had a visitor. Spiderman's credits were rolling and we were talking when I heard something. I hit mute and waiting. Again. There it was! A muffled meow sound. I got up and walked down the hall, I assumed right away it was migo. Trapped in a closest or a drawer. It is an unfortunate fact that cats get shut away in a drawer or closet for an entire work day. Usually it's Arkham, I guess I was picking on Migo because...well Migo gets into more trouble.

But call as I might, she didn't show up. Finally Tim got up, and we stood there looking at each other calling Migo's name. He then leaned over and opened the front door. A young adult tabby walks into our house and meows hello.

"Is that one of ours?" asked Tim.

I went to catch the cat before it got further into the house, but more importantly before the other cats noticed our little visitor. Tim went to keep on the our cats, who sat there oblivious to whole scenario. It was a friendly little number, and I set out to knock on all the doors asking if they had lost a cat. It turned out to be the new neighbors on the second floor, and they hadn't even noticed it was gone.

This morning is kind of slow. Kind of like yesterday. I have my performance evaluation this afternoon. I was looking at 'stars' and noticed that Nicole Kidman always looks good. Her outfits are classy, as is she. If I were to ever get rich or famous I would want the person who puts her together, to put me together.

If.

I went to bed at 9.30 last night!

Hey! I just got my SECOND Northwestern Excellence Award. The first time they give you a pin, which as far as I know, I am the only one who wears it (it's on one of my jackets). The second time they give you....(drumroll please)....a marble paperweight!

Holly brought in muffians, and said a little speech. Very informal. :) I am winner! Why did I get it? Because I got us through the Jessica period.

I guess I am lame because I invited some of you to join friendster.com. It sounded neat...the whole social experiment, playing seven degrees of seperation. It's neat! I tell you. Neat! Or at least the idea seems neat, we'll see.

So, my DVD idea didn't pan out. Seems you have to BUY the download and then you have 30 days to decide. What a bunch of bullshit. I never give out my credit card number unless I WANT something. Not maybe if. That translates to Tim going to Best Buy or Target and getting a new VCR today. What am I gonna do without my SG1 ?!

Nutshells.

Friday, not a whole lot.

Saturday, drove to Milwaukee to Klingers East for Melissa's graduation party. She was very surprised to see me, and Tim and I had a great time with her and her family. They had the best food. Just goes to prove, that is you have Indians in the mix, the food is going to be awesome. Then we drove back and headed to the Vic to see Daredevil and meet up with Mike, Rachel, Eric and Kate. The movie was ....made much better by the encouragement of the patrons. ;) I now feel a need to find other movies of Daredevil quality to go and see at the Vic, to see what a little domestic brew can do to liven up the film. Afterward we went to a bar to have a drink, and everyone talked about personality tests. I couldn't pay attention, or even try too because the whole concept makes me incredibly anxious, thinking about what we are going to do regarding Epic and the opposing Field Technician position (of which Tim is at this moment meeting with to explore that opportunity).

It only makes it a little better that they called asking where the transcripts were right before Tim left this morning. They are showing interest in US. Er....rather Tim. But that is a good sign right? Right? They wouldn't call if they weren't going to make a positive decision?

I wish I could take a amnesiac drug so that I wouldn't worry about it.

Sunday I watched TV all day and knitted. Tim did a recon to the store across the street to buy eggs to make banana bread and said it was too crappy to go anywhere. All the news channels concurred. So. I watched Spiderman, and several other ...shows including M2 definitive, and Biorhythm on Enimen. I was looking forward to spending the night watching SG1, but that was foiled when the VCR in/out/video ports DIED. They died. I took apart the vcr...jury rigged it..everything to no avail. I gave up...briefly before remember it was a DVD and there IS a computer in the bedroom. Off I went to the bedroom only to find that the DVD player on the computer was too old for the DVD. So Tim found a dvd player on line, we downloaded it, and while he was doing that I lost interest.

I went off and wrote two letters, drank some margarita's, and worked on a third letter. Right before I went to bed, I tested the DVD player and it is awesome. I am now going to lay in bed, and watch SG1 tonight. How perfect is that? Well, it is only good for 30 days, so we need to get a VCR before that. Good thing the last finale I need to see of the season is Buffy, tomorrow.

I started reading The Life of Pi today.

Happy Birthday to Troy. I don't have a picture of you, since lost my camera shortly before I met you. 8( [Hint to send me a photo, please?] Gee. I really have to get a new camera, maybe that will be one of my summer time goals.

It's Friday! In case you didn't realize, and yes I am stating the obvious. Tommorrow I am/maybe going to Milwaukee for Melissa's graduation party. She was my first work study ever....and now she is graduating. Aww...although if she doesn't email me directions I won't be able to go. Then we come back, and catch up with Mike, Rachel, Erik and Kate at the Brew N View to see Daredevil (they are showing the Two Towers first).

Wow, that episode of Angel was awesome! (Don't worry, I won't ruin it for you Madisonite that were denied it last night) But not as awesome as seeing the final five minutes of the second to last episode of Dawson's Creek! Finally. That show is ALMOST done. Now if only they could get rid of Charmed. Oh. And Dawson and Pacy decide to be friends again, and Joey goes to France, or a least stand in front of a blue screen of France.

I personally, do not think that my life has been enriched by loving Joey.

I was organizing my computer files when I came across this. Saved as a txt document titled "moderate":

Tim do you love me because I am moderate?
Laura you are crazy if you think I love you because of one thing.

Fire drills and evaluations this morning. Rather, I gave Katie her evaluation and went over with her the ones that she is going to give the work studies. Wow, she was hard on them!

Last night I wrote some letters...short cards really to those who I owe better letters too as a...a time buyer. That has to be a better way to say that....let's see. Time buyer. Keep them at bay thing to do. Yes, that's it. I also watched Buffy, and an episode of Stargate, the Broca Divide. .... and that was about it. I actually wrote quite a bit (For a short card)...so that took up some time. I went to bed late at 12:00. Hmm.

So. This weekend was okay. It could have been better... It is as if the whole thing was spoiled by a dropping a huge splot of ink. White paper shines brightly from the edge, but the middle is still stained and ruined. Black and spreading lines of gray. Intent on covering everything with it's pall.

Friday night was good. Stromkern was awesome. He played mercy seat! And I talked with Sigrid, and Dave, and Than, and of course my darling. We stayed at Tim's brother's house which was...an impromptu party with all the Benninghoff boys. Since Mark was playing video games I saw into the future how this scene was going to look in two hours (same thing...watching someone else play video games = lame)...and so I went to bed. The next morning Ben, Wrigley and his other roommate made a fantastic breakfast. It was great to relax before we headed out.

Saturday night we drove to Madison and had dinner at Perkins. My darling was as sweet as ever. Afterward we picked up some beer and flowers for the birthday girl and headed over to her house. Hung out...then went to the Inferno for Lard and Lace night. Thank god for the curtain behind the bar...it was nice to have a place to retreat too. Heh ...I vowed I would never go to another Lard and Lace night again.... now I vow to never make vows again. :) The rest of the night was good, I actually had an okay time.

Sunday morning is when the infection started. I thought it was residue from the night before. I took some aspirin, and it diminished, but it was still there. Sigrid and I went shopping, and I got myself and Tim some cool stuff. Then we went got dressed, and went to the show. As soon as we got there, I found the infection had spread all over my head, and was raging. I took more and more aspirin with thirty minute intervals in hopes that the increasing doses would kick in. And drinking. Lots of drinking. Finally by the time A23 started, I felt better. Numb like...I had tunnel vision and couldn't really concentrate on much else, but at least I didn't want to die. I felt bad for all the folks I wanted to talk too...but didn't. And those that did talk to me, for being such a lam0. I guess my willpower and social graces couldn't conquer this headache this time.

Monday...more head ache ( I still have it as I type to you....it's still there...lurking)...but I slept in and painkiller numbed it. Tim did his interview, and then we tried to get transcripts afterward but the Madison Universities transcript was down, and Madison Media up an disappeared. I did get to see where Ben works and view the Zor shrine in person, and eat at Noodles before coming home.

Whatta a homecoming. ... Migo peed on the tarp covering the couch...and moved then to the papasan. The one thing we didn't cover because she had never done it before...and we didn't have anything to cover a papasan with (although we did think of using a large plastic, tablecloth....oh well....). Stupid cat. Now i am going to have to wash the cover and clean that shit up. I HATE cat waste more than almost anything. Hate it. Hate. It. I was still kind of mad at the cats for causing a social structure that force one of them to pee on furniture, that I wanted to keep them out of the bedroom. A half hour into bed time though, I knew Tim hadn't fallen asleep.

"Just ignore them. Be strong" I said.
"But I want my babies!" came his plaintive reply.

The "babies" won.

I did three loads of laundry, made dinner and put the clothes away...all without a problem...why? Because I watched two episodes of SG1. It rocked. It's even cooler because I can watch it whenever I want too and not have to wait for Tim's lame ass to find time in between 'dropping loads' to watch with me. [lol...]

Tonight we are going to Milwaukee to see Stromkern at Club ? and stay at Brother-in-Law Ben's house. Saturday morning, sleep in ... and maybe go see Mighty Wind or X-Men II. Eventually we will drive to Madison in time to toast Sigrid a happy birthday at the inferno. Spend the night. Sunday, putz and then go the A23 show, and then on Monday Tim has an interview. I took the day off. I also realized that we have Memorial Day off this month too. TWO days off in one month. Cool.

Although I could take more if I wanted. I know this. Still, two four day weeks are exciting. I am also taking the work studies, and my program assistant out to lunch in appreciation for their help. Luckily for me the department is going to pay for the work studies, and I only pay for Katie. Cool. Then my boss ripped off my idea and decided to take Flo, Cindi and I out to lunch sometime this month too. :| Copy cat.

Then one last note....yesterday I wore my hair down and I got three or four accusatory statements of "Your hair is getting so long." Like a threat. Just the same as saying "My god, you are murdering a kitten!" Anyway. I expressed frustration at how to respond to this ridiculous statement and with help came up with these replies:

Your hair is getting so long!

A. Yes, rogain does wonders.
A. Just one of my many skills.
A. You think it looks real?
A. I know, I know...but your grandmothers hair was down to there. (This is in response to all those that HAD to tell me how much longer their grandmother's hair was (in addition to how much more indian they were than me, when I did have long hair)
A. I am in mourning. Thanks for bringing it up.
A. Yes. Let us not talk of this again.
A. That is what everyone has been saying.
A. I am gonna be Cher for Halloween
A. You should see my fingernails.
A. I was shipwrecked.
A. Actually I just it cut.
A. That's what you think.
A. Yeah! If you just put egg and urine in it every other day, it does wonders!
A. The magic charm is working!

OHHHH and last night I had a dream I met Eminem and we were freinds. He was really cool and fun to hang out with.

I can't believe this is Tim's last day of work. It seems like only yesterday, or at the very least last summer that he started there. Living in that shitty apartment with the ice cream truck hell spawn punishing the poor across the street from dusk till dawn with it's ridiculous music. It was such torture. To the first day I met the Willougby people...I had taken the train all by myself to Evanston to meet Tim to go to a Cub's game with his work force. Now it is done. Only an hour left.

Only one person has told me things will work out. I really needed to hear that too. Sure I am strong and tuff and all that, but after seemingly endless waiting, doubts flicker at the edges of my confidence until it has become infected. A little encouragement medicine was nice to hear, and it came from one who almost never says anything positive. At least to me. She is one of those whom I listen to. There are so many people I listen for, but few who ask back.

Anyway. The rain is gloomy, and it is a icky day to end a job...but then things are always darkest before dawn. Ha. It's funny. Whenever I get like this I find consolation in crappy cliche's. Tomorrow will be better, and today will be the past. We will laugh that we ever had doubt. Wait. Did I say doubt? I didn't mean it that way. I don't doubt his decision. He should have quit. He should still stay quit. I just feel sad....like anyone when something changes. Things are changing.

Standing on precipice.
At least I have my darling with me.

I have to get our monthly newsletter done today. I will write more later.