Athena and I have thrush. And a yeast infection for me which tipped me off to it. It sucks folks. It really sucks. I am taking probitoics, spraying vinegar on the nipples and I emailed both my doctor and the pediatrician asking for help but no response. I guess I'll call tomorrow.

Athena has been super fussy the whole last day. She was up a lot last night and for good stretches of time too. Not that eating and then sleeping bit...oh no not her.

My back hurts. My breasts hurt and the probiotics have made me gassy. Super fun to be with, I can tell you.

I am not looking forward to the travelling this weekend to get her baptised. Going to the park with Morella and Athena feels like an epic chore and I find myself wanting to go home after an hour because it just seems easier. The house is a disaster again and Morella has been into everything.

But really, right now I want this thrush to go away and stop hurting, and for Athena to just eat and go to sleep and stop howling.

Newborns are not that much fun.

My emotions feel like they are in a million different places. I don't even know where to start writing. I feel like if I have the time to write I should probably be sleeping, but who knows how long or if that would happen? Alot of the time I settle down for a nap and Athena decides "Nope, I want to fuss and eat."

Noontimes are terrible. Today it was three crying beings - Athena, Morella and Pluto. The consequences of Tim going back to work carry heavy weight. Even he is tired and exhausted and coming home to an energetic Morella pushes the limits.

Tonight she didn't go to sleep per usual. So he danced with her to Jane's Addiction and Dairy of Dreams. That music brings me back to when she was an infant and it was the only thing that soothed her. It seems a little dark to me. It doesn't to Tim though. He wonders what Athena's song is going to be.

I feel like I want Athena to hurry up and get a little older. In part because then she will have a more predictable schedule which means I will have a better idea of what time is mine, and what I can do with it. On the other hand, I don't want to wish away her newborn days. But yet again I am reminded of "The first three months are hell." I thought that was true for Morella and part of me thinks it's true for Athena even though she is so far an easy baby than Morella ever was. I just feel so torn about that. Grow up but make sure I memorize every little thing before you do. You can't do both right?

Ann came over and took Morella to the park for two hours with her and Noah. Morella loved it and ran and ran and burned off all that toddler energy that I can't do with her having a newborn at the breast. Then again I couldn't do it while being really pregnant -- but at least I forced myself out and to the park and for walks at least twice a day. I feel a little bit tied to the house because of the unpredictability of Athena. When will that ease? Will it be three months?

Then the swine flu had entered my thoughts and I worry about what will happen this fall. Will I decide to not leave the house and the back yard? An entire winter here ... no that would be impossible. Maybe just until we have all had our shots and the proper immunization time has passed. Maybe.

It was so nice to have Ann take Morella -- she is such a good friend. I hope that I can one day return all the wonderful favors she has bestowed upon us. As well as the kindness that others have shown us. I know that the best thing I can do right now is accept the offers of help and be grateful they are there. Sometimes the hardest thing is accepting help though, you know? As Americans we are brought up to believe that we should be able to do it ourselves. Okay..well that is one ideology. I am not sure if everyone thinks that -- in particular I am reminded of all the folks who say "The government/tribe ect never did anything for me." But I digress.

My back hurts from bad positioning in the couch. I should try to transfer Athena to the cosleeper and start the bedtime process that probably means I won't get to sleep until 12 -- like the last two nights.

The one thing that is free to roam is my mind. I don't think I have ever been so full of ideas on who I want to write, what I want to write, how to write it, what I want to read, who I want to talk to etc. Of course, when I start these, I never actually finish them. I have so many unfinished letters littering my house right now. I should just start a note book and section off parts for letters that one day may or may not be sent. At least they would be in one spot. Then again, I haven't even made an entry into Athena's journal, and my own journal lies neglected on the dresser. The only journal seeing some love is the computer and that is because I can manage to find a few minutes to type, inbetween naps or bathroom breaks or putting out fires.

Lastly, my coping thought the past two weeks is "How is Dexter going to adjust to fatherhood?" and just imagining it. You would be surprised at soothing that thought can be. I can't wait for the new season to start.

Oh my god. This morning was a total diaster. We went to the red park for the Monday playdate. Athena was fussy, and would't stop crying because there was construction going on 25 feet from where we were -- banging, pounding, beeping...it was so loud and distracting. I couldn't nurse her into submission and eventually had to give up. So I went to the car to get everyone's dishes much to Morella's howling dismay. By the time we left, I lost a sock and a receiving blanket and was treated to more crying all the way home.

At home, I got Morella's lunch ready and gave it to her while Athena fussed and cried in the swing. Morella of course rewarded me by not eating any of her food and smearing it every which way. I finally put her down and attended to Athena who has been spitting up off and on all morning. She is on her every other day eating binge and while she slept through most of the night - she did get up at least four times to eat. I guess I consider it a success if she only eats and then falls back asleep versus staying up for two hours.

Ugh. I feel a little shakey about it all and am royally pissed that the neighbor next door is fucking using a chain saw for the last hour and half with no signs of stopping. Why do I feel like I live in the world's loudest neighbhorhood? Can't everyone just shut up for three hours and give me a break?

Crap. More chirruping from the bedroom. Please go to sleep Athena.

Newborn Athena Photoshoot by Sara







More photos from the newborn shoot can be seen here in the Athena Gallery.


Athena was up last night from 1-3. Oh please sleep well tonight baby girl. Just get up and eat and go back to sleep so that we can all survive our first full day without Daddy helping us out. To say that I am a little nervous about how tomorrow is going to go is an understatement.

On the other hand, she didn't not display signs of colic last night -- just wanting to eat and be rocked. I hope tonight goes as well.

I am having a cup of half caf and waiting for Athena to wake up and want to eat a late lunch. After I posted I chatted with Hilary who suggested gas. I hadn't thought of that, so I went in and started to bicycle her legs which seemed to calm her a bit, and whenever we touched her tummy it was hard and she would cry. I figured we could try mylicon because it won't hurt her -- and I think it actually did help because she seemed calmer after that, and eventually dozed and nursed herself to sleep at around 1:30.

She got up again around 5 to snack and then went back down without too much incident. However, Morella woke up crying at 5:30 -- and didn't stop after a minute or two. Very unusual for her. Tim went to get her and brought her back to bed with us for about 30 minutes before she wanted to get up and play. She didn't sleep but she was very good at being quiet and chilling with us. It was nice. Morella never did cuddle or want to sleep with us. I sometimes wonder if she will change her mind on that when she is older.

She pretty much had the run of the house for the morning and Tim deployed the age old tactic of "Saturday morning cartoons" to get a little more time for shut eye. Athena wanted to eat again at 8ish, so I just got up, changed her diaper and fed her while watching Morella play and watch TV in the living room. Then it was breakfast time for Morella and then I said we all needed to go back to bed. So we did and everyone slept another good 2-3 hours.

Ahhh. What a feeling it is to be refreshed. I really like sleep and try to make it a priority to have as much as I can. Well, as much as is appropriate. You know, I don't want to spend a whole, perfectly good day in bed, but I do like to get about 7-8 hours of sleep accumulative in a day's time.

After getting up and feeding Athena (and putting her back down to sleep), Morella played for awhile outside, I looked at the computer while Tim did whatever it is that Tim does. I think he shaved. I gave Morella her lunch - Carl Budding lunchmeat (she at the whole packet), watermelon, cream cheese sandwich and dried cherries. Then changed her diaper, put some socks on her to go with her sandals (we really need to buy closed toed shoes for her -- she only has one pair of shoes) and sent her off with Tim to take a bike ride over to Elmside Circle Park to play and then get vegetables.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here writing this post and listening to Pluto whine in the living room. I expect Athena to wake soon and then will feed her ... and then yeah. You know, I don't know why I didn't realize how easy it was Morella...I mean. Okay it wasn't easy. But you know with one baby, you just feed them, they sleep and you can go about your business. It's much harder with two babies (Thank you, I will accept that Award for Orginal Thought's). When Tim has Morella I just marvel at how much I could do with one baby, even if I was holding them and feeding them most of the time. I mean, the nursing alone -- I feel like I have TONS of time to read. I now understand why Sarah gave me magazines to read when I first had Morella. The difference is, of course, is that Morella never fed well and I couldn't take my eyes off her latch...

Oh Athena cries.

Oh no. :(

Athena is two weeks old today. Yesterday at her check she weighed a good 9 pounds and was 21.2 inches long, and was given a clean bill of health. The RN told me that the latest theory in colic is that at some point in the day they are overstimulated and to look back on the day to see where they might have gotten it and to try and reduce it. I asked her when colic started and she said .... two weeks.

Okay. So Athena was great all day -- though she did feed almost every two hours for the last 24 hours. Tonight she started to spit up a little again and what's worse is that when she would eat she would pull away in sudden crying fits. Tim and I both think it's pretty clear she has reflux.

Today I ate a lot of lasagna for lunch, and had pizza for dinner and garlic bread. So it could be the garlic, onions and large amounts of dairy that brought this on. I know, it's just one day and to reduce the dairy to see if that helps. But you know what? One day is already bad enough to bring back all of the memories of Morella's first six months. We know that dairy is what caused Morella to have her problems (or at least I heavily suspect it) so I guess I should count that as having one clue to the puzzle.

But god, can we do another round of this? Crying uncontrollably every single night for hours on end? Never knowing when you are going to sleep? Not knowing if every little thing you eat is going to cause it? Wondering, doubting, and grasping at straws for an answer?

I mean, do normal non reflux babies have nights where they cry like this? Where they pull away from the breast/bottle in seeming pain?

She is in the cradle swing right now with the noise button on. Tim tried to turn it off and she howled. Am I going to spend my night on the couch waiting for her to really be asleep?

Breath. Calm down. It's one night. Don't eat dairy tomorrow and see if tomorrow is any better. Take it one day at a time. One hour. And yes, I know, it will pass. One day, it will pass and she will go to bed like Morella and sleep the night through and no longer seem to be in pain. But when you are only at the two week mark looking down the path to follow, it sure as heck seem long, dark and unhappy for everyone involved.

On a somewhat better note, the nightly anxiety I was feeling has decreased. Thank god. I can only imagine how much worse it would make tonight if that wasn't the case. On the other hand I would rather take the few hours of anxiety if it meant that we didn't have nights like this.

Today I had a newborn photo shoot done for Morella. One of the ladies in the Playgroup is a budding photographer and working to build up her portfolio. In exchange for using wee Athena as a her subject for a couple hours I will get some awesome pictures! One of which I plan on using for Athena's birth announcement and then sending out when we do thank you cards.

I was thinking though today -- because Athena spit up a little this morning and seemed to not be interested in second breakfast -- if the yogurt and garlic heavy cucumber salad had something to do with it, or if she was starting to get reflux. I know, I should banish that awful thought from my head. Don't go there Laura! You will regret it! But since I did, I might as will finish.

I was trying to remember or recall if Morella's reflux was there from the beginning or if it was something that she worked into after the two week baby moon period had ended. Then I wondered when she had started her colic -- was it two weeks later or was it because of the not being able to eat and THEN turned into colic....so I went back to look. It looks like I did a post at 9 days where I mentioned her "witching" hours from 10-2. If I was able to figure out that there were witching hours I can only assume that it was well in progress. I can see that I was clearly frustrated. Reading back on those entries is like looking into a dark looking glass. I see darkness, lamplight, tears, pacing, wailing infant, doubt, etc. It's such a different experience from now.

Don't get me wrong, Athena will and does cry -- and when she does it's quick to be angry and willful and it's usually for something quite specific -- boob.

To be able to nurse is such a ... relief. It's is a thousand times easier than exclusively pumping, or trying to feed a baby who won't latch, can't drink, and after trying for 40 minutes you have to give up and pump anyway. I feel like I have so much more time in the day. Something I wasn't able to really enjoy with Morella (because I had to pump/prepare bottles/wash equipment when she was asleep). I am so thankful that the problems we did have with Morella happened with her when she was the only one we had to take care of. Can you just imagine how much it would suck if it was reversed? Okay, I should even try to imagine that. I feel like if I do then I might invite that future in.

I can be so superstitious sometimes.

Okay. So with said free time this afternoon, I was able to upload some photos. Here are a few of my favorite -- you can see the rest in the August 2009 Gallery.

I have some great pictures from this weekend that I will try to post this week -- so there something to keep you coming back other than my mommy ramblings.

It's 8:50. Morella is in bed after having a fantastic evening having out with her Grandma, Grandpa and two small dogs. Oh you should have seen her face light up when saw who had come to the door! It's amazing what one weekend of solid Grandma on granddaughter time can do.

We have 10,000 BC in right now for a movie. Athena is sleeping in the cradle swing after having sucked me dry from a power cluster feed earlier. It was a good day. A wonderful day that ended with me feeding Morella and reading the entertainment section of the Sunday paper, while Tim sat in the glider reading a portion of the paper and Morella on the floor surrounded by a pile of books. All was quiet and content. I decided then again for the thousandth time that I would write down at least one special memory a day. A drop in the lake of all the special memories in our lives. Something to hold onto and help battle this sadness I feel at the end of each day. What is today? Day 8 after Athena's birth? It will be interesting to see if this lessens in another six to eight days. Surely I wasn't like this before. Surely this is just my manifestation of the baby blues, just as it is for me to overreact over things like a super, smelly umbilical cord.

I feel like a broken record, saying the same thing over and over each night. I really should confine this to my paper journal but there I tend to go overboard and get overwhelmed thinking about all the things I want to write and then don't start.

Lastly, I over did it today. I was feeling pretty good and so I cleaned, and rough housed with Morella and skipped the nap but by evening I sure felt it. I have to remember, it's only been a week. A week isn't that much time to really recover from an exhaustively long pregnancy where I can now admit I was uncomfortable pretty much the entire time.

An update. I called the pediatrician at first to get advice on what to do and the nurse is the one who said to bring her in. Well the appointment was quick in and out and the Doctor said it wasn't bad at all. In fact, by then it had started to look much better and was in fact a little loose. He listened with interest on the advice I got in cord care (or in this case the lack of) and said "I've been a doctor for 30 years and we were always told to clean it alcohol. It's how it's been done for a 100 years but now they gotta go and change things that aren't broken."

Maddie - the lady who dropped off this most awesome mexican inspired fish dish caught me in the midst of my little overreaction and called her Mom to ask (who happens to be a pediatrician). She later called back to say that her Mom sees lots and lots of babies with stinky cords and that it doesn't mean it's infected and to just clean it with alcohol.

So. I felt better. I even went to bed at a decent time - 10:30PM. Athena was able to go bed with me since she had been eating, crying and eating all day and was tuckered out.

You wanna know happened after all of that? Her cord fell off during the night.

Sigh. Well. Live and learn, right?

UGH UGH UGH!

Athena's umbilical stump is infected. I am taking her to Urgent Care at 8:00 to have them look at it. I noticed the foul smell last night but chalked it off to stinky baby syndrome but today it was super noticeable. I almost feel like its a penance I have to pay to smell it as I find myself constantly comfort feeding her today. Our little baby who would eat and sleep keeps eating and waking and crying today.

The new policy at St. Mary's was to leave the stump alone and let the "special enzymes" found in the cord heal it. Of course that strategy wouldn't work for us. Those rare cases of infected cords, and newborn teeth have to happen to Athena. I pray to god that this is where the special rare cases end and she goes on to be an exceptionally happy and healthy baby/toddler/kid/teenager/adult.

I'll update later on what the doctor says. For the moment she is sleeping in the cradle swing, jacked up to high. I had turned on the soothing noise as loud as possible to help her to go sleep. I am not looking forward to waking her up and putting her in the carseat that might bump the cord, figuring out what clothes to put her in for the trip and ..blah blah blah. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have put her in onsies but T-shirts and just a diaper. I thought that the onsie would be breathable enough to allow for air circulation without letting the cord get bumped or irritated by feeding and holding and what not. We should have just cleaned it with alcohol like we did with Morella because we had no problems with her cord.

I tried to go to bed early and snuggle with Athena. It was a trying night because Tim went to his game night and I was on my own with the two girls. I gave Morella a bath and put Athena in the swing. She started crying 7 minutes into the bath. So I took Morella out of the bath and we were going to get Athena and put her in the bouncy in the hallway. Morella ran off without getting fully dry and slipped on the hardwood floor falling back and bumping her head. I picked her up and soothed her and then we brought Athena to the hallway, and Morella back to the bath where she howled like furious banshees when I washed her hair. But you know, she was okay after that.

Athena meanwhile was okay until the end and needed to be picked up. I fed her while Morella ran around naked until she was asleep and put her down so that I could put Morella to bed. One minute into that she started hollering but there was nothing I could do because Morella needed to be put to bed. I bet every single neighbor heard the chaos of this evening.

Morella went to bed without stories because she was tired. Athena stopped crying the moment I picked her up and eventually went to sleep. I placed her on the bed while I got ready for bed and then went to nap. Except my mind won't turn off. I keep thinking over and over about this special time. My baby is almost a week old. My other baby felt like a big kid when I picked her up from the fall. I imagined them both taking a bath together and then suddenly felt like it was going to happen and be done with so soon. I think it's because whenever I take Athena out people ask about how old she is and usually follow that up with "It goes by so fast..."

Thanks dudes. I don't need to be reminded of that right now while I am feeling like every day is simultaneously too fast and too slow.

Eventually I got up with the intention of writing down every precious minute of the day in my journal. Or at least making an entry (in my paper journal) but I still haven't done that. As far as my journal knows, Athena has not yet entered this world and I am very pregnant and feeling it.

I went to the doctor today to see about the UTI because in the booklet from the hospital regarding post partum and baby care said to call if urinating became painful, burning and frequent. Sure enough, I have a bad UTI. She gave me some medicine and said I should be feeling better by tomorrow. I hope so! Last night was truly awful with Athena not sleeping unless she had a boob in her mouth and the burning pain from the UTI.

I just want to feel better. You know? I feel like the last ten months I have been sort of sick or ill, and not myself. Of course I wasn't myself -- I know that. But I was hoping that by feeling better physically I would start to feel better mentally about doing more with Morella and Athena and being the best Mom I can be instead of a tired, ill and whiny one.

The doctor mentioned again that I had lost a lot of blood and it's normal to feel run down, and then on top of that getting a UTI slowed things down a bit.

Anyway. I have a feeling Athena is going to pull the same tactic as last night which is cluster feed for about 4 hours before sleeping. I really, really should have gotten some winks in instead of sitting here and writing. But....I need to write. I need to get this off my mind. It might not be the stellar entry waxing poetic about early infancy and toddlers and special memories but at least it's something.

Also, today was Athena's first outing. We went to Olbrich Park for Morella's playdate. It was only Tim, Morella, Athena and I for a good portion of it. She sat in her carseat under a shady tree and snoozed while we played with Morella. Eventually my shirt got soaked because ole Lefty needed a certain little someone to wake up and eat. I guess it's a good thing our first outing was at a park instead of someplace inside and public next to other people. ;)

When Morella goes to bed -- I get anxious. Really worried and overcome with how things are going to work. Can I do this without Tim's awesome help? Is this the manifest of baby blues this time - a knock out of my confidence? I feel like I need to make up some kind of mantra to get me through these long night hours. Things like:

1. Other people are doing it, so can you! (Admittedly, this one isn't very encouraging).

2. Athena is only a baby, she won't remember if you don't fawn over her every second of the day -- whereas Morella doesn't know what the eff is going on and needs you. Thankfully, Karen from the Playgroup keeps reminding me that. To spend the waking time with Morella, to put the baby down because she will get her closeness when she feeds, at diaper changes (which she hates) and after Morella is in bed.

3. It won't be like this forever. Each day Morella is one day older and will understand just a little more. Athena is one day older and a little more mature and better at eating, chilling and living. [The drawback to that of course is "Oh no! My babies are growing up too fast and I am wishing for that!"]

4. Breastfeeding is only hard right now. In another week or two (is that true?) your nipples will toughen up, you will get better at getting Athena to latch, she will learn to latch better, and her mouth will be bigger and able to hand the dreaded left breast. Besides, you have Good Ole Righty to fall back on to help you through it.

5. To take advice from Sarah's Mom "Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you," in regards to -- yes Athena will get sick, yes they both get sick at the same time, yes you got a whole nother round of teething to go through just as one is starting to show signs of finishing up (though not this week). Don't worry about it until it comes -- this is a debt that does not need to be prepaid.

6. You have handled bigger adversity. You can do this. Don't let fear get the best of you. [To which I respond ... "Have I? I have never before been the caretaker of two little girls before who depend on me and Tim for everything. I don't think there is bigger adversity."]

7. One day at a time.

In the end, it's the one day at a time that gets me through it.

Other things:

I had a terrible shoulder muscle spasm today. It was so painful that every breath radiated daggers up my neck, down my arm, and in my shoulder. I felt it coming on and told Tim to take Athena while I tried to figure out away around it. I eventually got most of the pain to subside by focused relaxation and a vicodine (which by the way isn't something I won't be taking without extra help around because ... whoa....). Gah, what if that had happened while I was alone? Okay. Okay. Athena would have gone to the swing, I would have gone to the floor and Morella would have just been like "What the...?"

I also feel like I have a raging urinary tract infection. I always feel anxious when I have one of those, the constant pain is just ever present. On the other hand, is it a UTI? Or is it a side effect of labor? Is it from the catheter that was administered right before Athena was born to make extra room? Do I bother calling the doctor to have it checked out? Meanwhile, I am getting through it and drinking as much cranberry juice as possible and hoping it doesn't make me diabetic. (In regards to a study that linked juice drinking to diabetes). Maybe I should just email the doctor and see what she thinks...

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Morella wakes up every morning asking for Dada (me) and Bebe (Athena). She gets her feelings hurt very easily whenever she is criticized, which is going to happen alot when she is around Athena because she's just a little too rough sometimes. I mean, come on -- she's only one and half! Watching her go through this new development pokes at my heart and makes me question why we decided to have another child and how could I mess up such a beautiful schedule we had going. [I know, I know, another beautiful schedule will take it's place ... but since we aren't there yet I can't help but to ... well you know.]

Athena is now squaking at me from her cosleeper. I think she pooped and needs a change and probably wants to eat again since almost an hour has passed. She seems to really cluster feed at one time during the day. I hope this cluster feeding means she'll sleep through the night relatively well again like last night. Only getting up twice to eat and going back to sleep. Her right eye is also a little gunky. Time to break out the vasoline and eye massages.

One last thing before I go, I do get all comments -- they are all emailed to me and read and cherished. The thing with blogger though is that in order for me to respond I would have to add my own comment and you would have to remember to go back and look to see if there WAS a comment. Therefore I don't always comment and will often just reply in the blog.

And Sarah - I don't know about the breastfeeding -- how many times a day. I was wondering that today myself. I'll keep track tomorrow. It's definitely more than 10-12 though.

Blogger is still being crappy with publishing photos to my FTP server. This is like the fourth time this year I have had this problem with them. Before that it was like once a year there was a problem -- tops. Well, I guess it was a good thing that it started happening AFTER Athena was born instead of during, right?

Today she had her 4 day appointment. Can you believe when they asked me what the weight was when she left the hospital, I had no idea. None. The doctor later told me to not worry about it and quit obsessing over numbers. That said, Athena weight 8lbs 1 oz, so only losing 7 at this point is pretty good. I have to call my dentist and see about having her tooth looked at -- oh yeah I forgot to mention that didn't I? Athena is one of those rare kids born with a tooth. It's on the bottom of her mouth, and at first it was a tooth shaped gum but it has since erupted into a tooth. How nuts is that? She is a little bit jaundiced but nothing to worry about and the doctor seems confident that since my milk came in, that this problem will quickly go away. So, let's see how she is doing at her two week appointment on the 20th.

On the nursing front - Athena is wonderful. Well, most of the time. She has a problem latching onto my left breast because the nipple is sort of clefted. I hope that when her mouth gets a little bigger it won't be such the Olympic sport it is now. Overall, it's still a 1000 times better than it was with Morella. OH man, just thinking about the ordeal it was to try even one feeding with her is enough to make me break out in a sweat. I hope it continues that soon my nipples will toughen up and all the soreness of over exposed skin and engorgement soon subside.

The one ... "it would be better if" is that Athena is a night owl. She has her days and nights confused and so I have been up from 12ish to 4:30ish the last two nights. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it was just her, but when you have a crabby toddler who adjusting to having a new baby sister and is up from 7 to 7, then it's more challenging.

Anyway. Dinner is done. It's another awesome delivery from the playgroup friends. Seriously, these food deliveries are such an absolute blessing! Tim and I both feel super spoiled and special.

I am having some issues with Blogger uploading the photos to my site, but I got my workaround. Here are two and a bunch more over in the Gallery which you can get to by clicking -- Athena the first days.



Morella meeting Athena for the first time. I think this captures how excited she is. Ha ha.

Athena ended up getting this handmade crocheted hat. I didn't care for it because I think it must be itchy, but she doesn't seem to mind and it made for a cute picture.

I just got home this afternoon around 4:00. There was a little adjustment for Morella when she came started crying and I had to feed her. I think there is going to be a lot more adjustments going on in the following days. The whole experience hasn't really caught up with me yet but I am sure that when it does I will probably cry and feel totally overwhelmed. At which point, I will know that the labor and delivery adrenaline has passed and I have moved onto wild hormone induced mood swings also known at the baby blues.

On the plus side, Athena is SO much better at breastfeeding them Morella ever was, and in fact the whole 'having a baby' experience from beginning to end, including the recovery room was better than the first time around. I will say this though -- labor sucks. It really, totally, honest to god, sucks and why anyone wants to do that naturally is beyond me. I guess I am just not earth goddess, hippy enough to really have embraced it. I was very glad to be done with it and never really want to do that again.

Though I love Athena. It's amazing how much faster I have bonded with her than I did with Morella the first time around. I think it's because we were new parents and it was a very difficult first few months trying to figure out how to feed her. It's also just amazing to me how much bigger Morella seems to me. She seems like such a big kid!

Speaking of big....Athena is big. She doesn't fit into newborn clothing -- her legs and arms are just too long. Isn't that just nuts?! I will try to work on a birth story -- at least for myself, but we'll see how the following days go by. Tim has two weeks off from work to help with the new addition which is super nice. It was great having Tim's Mom here to help with Morella too --- I think it made the whole experience for her a little less traumatic. We already got one delivery of prepared food tonight by friends in the Monday playgroup which was AWESOME! Cooking really was the last thing we needed to think about today.

Even though I was gone for barely more than a day it feels like a LOT longer. I want to sort of nest and put things away and find a place for things now that Athena is here. However, my swelling is pretty bad and I am tired, and starting to feel the rush fall away.

Thank you for all the comments, congratulations and encouragement. It was so great to hear them from Tim during the past couple of days. You guys are wonderful. :D

Yup, still Tim here. Here's a teaser photo for you from today, taken by our friend Hilary:



And here's some I took last night after Athena was born with my camera phone. She was being shy:

It was a brutal 2 and 3/4 hours, with Laura working hard during every contraction. I'm very proud of Laura, who didn't have any pain medication. But, at 10:44 pm on 8/7/2009, Athena Madeline roared into the world weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs 8 oz and a respectable 20 inches. She has lovely dark brown hair, and a striking dark spot of a birth mark on her right thigh.

Much to her mother's relief, Athena has taken to breastfeeding like a pro, needing little to no coaxing to get started and stay latched.

Laura's contractions are starting in earnest.

Pitocin's been going for about 2 and 1/2 hours now, and there's little change to report.

Sarah, in answer to your question, the epidural that Laura got when she had Morella did not really work very well, if at all. As the anesthesiologist explained it, this is because the space around the spinal cord into which the drug is administered was obliterated by the injury and subsequent surgery, and this prevents the drug from circulating completely. He suspects that the pain relief that Laura initially felt was from a spinal shot that some of the anesthesiologists here will administer when they give an epidural. That shot provided the 2 hours of pain relief that Laura got, but then wore off.

So, because of this, he will not administer it, because it is too risky for the very strong likelihood of no gain.

Morella and grandma are on their way to the hospital to join me in the cafeteria for dinner, and to hopefully cure Morella's 5 o'clock 'da das'. Besides, Laura needs a little pick-me-up from Morella's smiley face.

We just talked with the anesthesiologist, and the news wasn't terribly good. In a nutshell, Laura's back surgery will severely limit, if not completely negate, the effectiveness of an epideral. The science behind it was pretty fascinating, but the sad reality is that Laura will likely have to be limited to IV pain medication. She will, possibly, be able to get some sort of 1 shot that will give her an hour of relief if things get desperate, but that's the limit.

Additionally, he explained the serious risk of infection should they hit the hardware/metal when administering the shot, so he advised trying to avoid resorting to that shot if at all possible.

The IV meds and pitocin will be starting shortly.

Tim here. We're at the hospital, and Laura is currently having her vitals checked while she does a crossword puzzle. She stumped me good with cordillera. Not being a geology/geography guy, I don't feel bad for missing it.

The nurse just announced that everything looks good, and is going to go inform the resident that we're here.

It would seem that things stalled a bit. I went back to bed and tried to get some sleep -- I dozed mostly. Things still aren't really packed, but really -- how much do I need to bring? Some clothes, electronics, baby book and journal. That about covers it right? Oh and tolietries.

Tim insisted we call the doctor at 6:30 and she said to have a little breakfast and go for a walk. Okay, so maybe I said that but she agreed. She wants us at the hospital around 9:00AM to see how are things are. Tim's Mom is heading here now to watch Morella during the day.

Oh sweet little Morella. She has no idea.

Well I suppose we better get started on that walk. I don't want to walk around the stupid hospital forever and I definitely don't want pitocin.

At 2:54PM I woke up and struggled to get out of bed to use the bathroom. You know how difficult that can be at this stage. ;) I sat up, adjusted my legs and stood up slowly and felt a "ploop" and a bubble of warm liquid filled my underpants. My first thought really was "Did I just pee? Dang it," (I'm 1/2 asleep here). I made it to the bathroom and did my business and put on pad and went back to bed feeling like my period had just started. I tried to go back to sleep -- but you know how can you when you are like "Did my water really just break?"

Tim got an extra 20 minutes of sleep before I woke him up to tell him. After he got up, I needed to use the John again and this time upon moving there was no mistake my water broke. It's SO weird how it just gushes and comes out of you. It's clear, slightly filmy and non offensive.

Since that has happened I almost feel better, like that feeling of impending period has gone. I am currently trying to keep track of my contractions through Contraction Master.

I'll let you know how it goes. For now, I suppose I should finish packing my bags. I am also really hungry, but is it advised to eat? Maybe some toast....and some tea.

40 Weeks and 5 Days

I had a doctor's appointment today. I got my friend Lowen to come over and watch Morella while I went. Morella was an absolute sweetheart and took a three hour nap, so she never actually knew my friend was here. :D Anyway. The appointment. I am 70-75% effaced, and 1.5-2 centimeters dilated. Doctor seemed to think I was ready to go at any moment. That said, I still had to have a NST [non stress test that measures the baby's heart beat, contractions and movement for at least 20 minutes] (hence the photo) in which I passed with flying colors. I am having fairly regular contractions, they are just nothing to write home about -- which is different than it was with Morella. I felt nothing with her until actual induction day. They also scheduled a NST for Monday morning followed by an appointment where we talk/schedule an induction depending on how things look. Doctor did stress that she is with me on waiting for the baby to make her appearance on her own time and that those labors are generally much more stress free and therefore easier.

For the record, with Morella at her 40 Week 2 Day appointment:

"So the doctor appointment was fast. I realized that my the curse of the Bashful
Cervix has struck again. You see, I have a pretty severely tilted cervix that is
STILL tilted so that no doctor fingers can actually fit far enough back there to
tell how much dilation has occurred. Sigh. She did say that it was super squishy
and soft, and that Bacon Bit is extremely low down in the pelvis. She hazarded a
guess at 50% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated (though it could have have been
more but she couldn't tell)."

And now for some extra cute -- Morellalock's tries out chairs to find just the right one. :D These are so freaking adorable! I wish I could buy one but frugality triumphs frivolity and reminds that it's more fun to have her climb on the couch to cuddle with me. Besides, I am not sure where I would even put it in the living room. Our couch does cover a lot of territory. :D

Yesterday at the Capitol with her new pull toy. She loves it. I love her. It's a win win situation.

Anyway, so after the doctor appointment I came home and chatted with Lowen a little bit before Noah and Ann came over to head out for our Thursday play date. We went to the Glacial Drumlin Ice Age Trail in Cottage Grove to enjoy the beautiful day and walk on the trail. It was great except I forgot bug spray in the car and the mosquito's were absolutely terrible in the shaded areas. It sure as heck was motivation to walk as fast I could through them. We took about a 3 mile walk total. Now if that isn't the kind of walking that is supposed to move labor along then I don't know what will. Morella absolutely loves chasing after Noah, and Ann said that she would be our back up babysitting solution for Friday/Saturday night. Though my friend Lowen also offered for Saturday night to Sunday. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and a great support team here in Madison.

I ordered a Domino's pizza on the way home and picked it up in time to eat dinner with Tim before he headed out to his Thursday night game. I was a little worried that Morella would want to stay up late after having slept for 3 hours (just when I was convinced she had moved to a 1.5 hour daily nap) but she was in bed by 7:00. She sang for quite a while but never once indicated she wanted out. I had given her tylenol earlier in the afternoon because she was worrying at her gums. Hey maybe that is the root cause of the large nap! Pain relief. Huh.

Okay. I am going to bed. I'm whooped. It was a long day and I have some garage sales in the hood to check out tomorrow morning. It will be our perfect walking excuse.

To answer the ever present question of "How do you feel?" It's kind of funny really. Aside from the agonizing pelvic floor pain, sciatic nerve, and nightly heartburn (wait I don't have it now ... so maybe only two days in a row...) I feel great. In fact, I feel better and stronger than ever. Maybe that is a good sign? I mean, I thought you were supposed to feel really terrible and awful before you deliver ... or maybe that is just what I am lead to believe? I don't know. Maybe there aren't enough anecdotal stories on the internet regarding this.

Good luck for tomorrow Kathy!

Tomorrow is only one guess from Tiara. Good luck!

Today was a beautiful day weather wise. I met up with one of my neighbors and her son Leo to go downtown to stop in Capitol Kids and then visit the small Farmer's Market. We managed to get a drink and make to the toy store but then parted ways afterward because her kid pooped and neither of us had diapers with us. Not that it would have mattered if I DID have a diaper because Morella is still in size 3 and I think her kid is in size 5.

The toy store was awesome. I have been there before with Morella but this was the first time that she went in and acted like a kid in candy store. She looked around in complete amazement and wanted out to look around. She was in heaven! It was so much fun to see. I ended up getting her a pull along bus toy because all of the other ones they had sucked. I had been looking for a pull toy for her for quite some time now. She ended up playing with it a bunch after the Farmer's Market while walking back to the car around the Capitol. It was so ... very ... very .. .cute.

I bought a huge bouquet of flowers for only $4, fresh cheese curds and a fresh picked blackberries. Morella ended up having that for lunch before taking her nap. I think that Tim might be right when he suggested yesterday that maybe her nap time is getting shorter. She has been fairly consistent with taking only a 1 1/2 hour nap. I know. I should be glad and lucky that I still get a nap a day but I wasn't ready for this. Not yet. Maybe after she is two and we are all settled into a nice routine.

After that we played in the backyard. I mowed, started a letter to my Mom, ran and errant to figure out how to hang a swing off one of the tree branches in the back yard (failed attempt). Then Tim came home and I told him he needed to make dinner but in the end did everything but stand there and turn it off. We had ring bologna and fried potatoes. After dinner we headed out for our evening walk. Came home. Put Morella to bed. I watched So You Think You Can Dance and then cleaned up the kitchen and living room and here we are now.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have a baby sitter for Morella which was hard to find because it's a 12:40 appointment which is smack dab in everyone's nap time -- Morella included. Luckily my friend Lowen said she would come over and look after her. The doctor is going to want to "check" for whatever good that will do, and possibly sweep the membranes if she can even get her fingers that far. Having a super high cervix really blows sometimes. She is going to want to talk induction, and I am going to push for the last possible day.

Yes. I know, it would be terribly convenient for everyone if this baby would just hurry up and come -- but it's not something I want to force. In fact, if anyone even implies that I am -- in any shape or form responsible for when Crouton comes -- I will want to punch you in the face. I am healthy. Crouton is healthy -- therefore the little bugger should come whenever she wants. NOT when I make the doctor appointment for an induction.

*Sigh*

Huh, the three guessers for tomorrow all have their name start with the letter K -- so very interesting. Good luck Kathy, Karen and Kellie! :D

I am beginning to put some hopes on the Full Moon inducing labor -- which would correspond with my own guess and my Redbood Shuistrology forecast. You know, go into labor tomorrow night and deliver sometime on the 5th -- thus utilizing the magic properties of the full moon. I guess we'll know soon won't we?

I was up every two hours last night from contractions, but by morning they were gone and I have felt fine all day. Except right now because Pluto just farted something nasty and it's hanging in the humid air. Hey summer came to visit! No seriously, I have some heartburn I think -- there is a ball of burning fire at the base of my throat - but since I don't often get heartburn I can never be sure if that is what it really is.

I went out to Michael's Craft Store after my mandatory sitting for an hour to relax after Morella went to bed to buy a new cross stitch kit -- this time for Crouton. It's a little baby one that will have her name and birth date on it. Yes, I am still working on the massive one for Morella -- but I needed a little something smaller in scale to work on. Then I went to Target to buy a soft nursing bra, deodorant, bread and milk and also ended up getting a notebook, 75% off jeans for Tim, toothbrushes, travel sized contact solution, individual size easy mac n cheese, gum, tic tacs, a twix (which gave me this heartburn), and a package of wet ones. Mostly I had fun looking around and just wandering. I considered it my "walking time" since our actual evening walk with Morella and the dog didn't happen today.

I did start packing my hospital bag though! I am even doing some laundry for it as we speak. It's a work in progress -- maybe I'll finish it tomorrow. There are big things that it will need like the laptop, the speakers, the camera, the phone, the phone charger, etc that we use on a daily basis -- but I suppose I could get me and Crouton's stuff ready. I just hate to have it be FULL because I am a notoriously light packer -- and I would feel super embarrassed about hauling all that crap to the hospital if it was a false labor you know? Maybe I should have two bags. Or maybe I should just be really sure that I am in labor when we head in.

A part of me considered today "why am I not the kind of person who would want an induction?" As in, to get this over with now and stop the waiting. I think the answer comes down to me hoping it's faster, easier and less painful than induced one.

Come on Crouton - don't let them induce you -- be master of your own destiny!

No baby today -- sorry guys.

Next potential winners in the 10$ Gift card race is --- Sara from the Eastside Playgroup, my former Northwestern Coworker Kate and my Aussie friend in Texas Kirsty for August 3rd. Good luck ladies!

Tonight Tim and I played this game called Arkham Horror that we have been working on for the last month or so with various degrees of success and tonight we actually won! We are going to bed as big winners.

Other than that, Morella's incisors STILL aren't through although they are really close. We went to Costco and Morella doesn't like it there but I love their smoothies, and later went on a really long big walk. Not that much actually walking ensued as Morella was pushing her doll stroller. It was the size of a regular walk, with two park stops.

Uh, that's it for today! Pretty low key. For fun, I did have a glass of the Lambroise beer tonight because of the old wives ...er old sister in law tale that it will induce labor within 24 hours. It was a great excuse to drink something I love and act as a special treat.

I did sort of feel earlier in the evening that tonight might be the night. But now that it's bedtime, I am not so sure. I guess the special beer just relaxed me, as did playing the game.

Also, the right side of my jaw feels slightly dislocated. It must be the relaxin working overtime.

So I think I will have a quick bowl of cereal and call it a night.

40 Weeks




As you can see, I am still going strong. If things work out then hopefully I'll be able to add the last belly shot the day of Crouton's birthday. Then again, you can't see TOO much of a difference between 38 and 40 other than an increase amount of chub -- though I haven't gained any more weight.

A reminder that if you click on the image it will bring up a larger image -- especially important in the collage. :D Enjoy!

Two guessers for today -- my brother Shane and Kathleen (who is due later this month). Good luck!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. It was a pack filled day of garage sale heaven -- maybe my last Garage Sale Friday with Morella for a long time? I got her a doll house with ALL the fixings for only 10 bucks, and a few other things. To say she loves the fischer price doll house is an understatement. I think though, as a kid I would have loved a doll house too. Then we came home because she had a meltdown over another kid touching the doll house and she took a massive three and half hour nap after eating a pretty good lunch. I took a nap myself and even had time after to putz around.

I eventually got her up at 3:30 because I had a friend coming over to baby sit at 7 and I didn't want her to give any after bed trouble. She was THRILLED to see the doll house in the living room so I cancelled my other probably plans of going to A1 Furniture (discount place) with my friend Sigrid to look at rugs, and walking down to one of the play date people houses (two blocks) for an afternoon visit. Of course, since I didn't show up she is convinced we had the baby. Sigh.

Anyway. Tim came relatively early (a 1/2 hour) and we had dinner of steamed green beans, and pasta and peas for Morella followed by a long walk. Morella has some serious stamina when it comes to walking. Wow. Afterward we put her to bed and got dressed and was ready in time for Hilary to show up. There were some technical difficulties getting the laptop set up, but we eventually made it out the door by 7:35, which gave us enough time to get the restaurant Liliana's -a cajun type restaurant. It was the most expensive joint we have ever been to on our birthday. The least expensive being Applebee's for lunch when we had first moved to Chicago and were totally broke (year 3).

After dinner went and saw the 3D/Imax Harry Potter. It was...very meh. Got home, slept in a whole 1/2 an hour while that fucker Arkham sat meowing between us like a broken record before Tim finally threw him off the bed before I had to pee and of course that got everyone started. Ugh. Stupid cats. Stupid dog. Stupid bladder.

So today is our 11th Anniversary! Happy Anniversary Darling! You be the best. Better than all the rest.

It is also Crouton's Due date!

She must have known it was something a little special because this morning I had contractions off and on most of the morning. I attributed it to being dehydrated though. I didn't drink a lot of stuff last night because I didn't want to go pee every 10 minutes during the movie, and then I didn't pee all night so I am sure that was it. I took a very warm bath and that helped and then walked to the park with Morella before lunch.

She is currently not going to sleep in her crib. Soon though...it's getting quiet in there. I expect a long nap. After this post, I am going to take a nap as well.

Anyway. Actual contractions coming about 13 minutes apart for several hours is a good thing right? It's mean stuff is getting ready and maybe I might have this baby on my own without medical intervention? That would be nice.

There is a party tonight. Tim and I are tag teaming it. I'll go first while there is still good food and people aren't too drunk to be boring, and Tim will ride bike over later so that he can enjoy in the revelry.